If Only… I Could Forgive Myself

by grannydew, posted in The Forgiveness Series

Chapter 1

They had spent the afternoon together, trying to clear the air. But to Sanem, their air was much too thick and dark to be cleared. Yes, she had lied again but it was to save him and to protect the company. She would do it all again in order to save him; she did it because she loved him. He had made up his mind without hearing her explanation. Can was determined to leave on his new assignment without even trying to understand. He had promised to always take care of her heart… always listen to her… but, he lied.

She wondered why he wanted her to accept what he was doing. He had already decided to leave, So why did it matter what she thought about it. For months she had endured insults and humiliation from Polen, Huma and Ceyda and he turned a blind eye to it all. Can telling her she broke their connection by selling her scent to Fabri was the most hurtful. What about her? What about their love? Was she nothing more than a scent to him?

His words had stung her heart and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to forgive him. He was under some impression that they could part as friends. Sanem let him know he was completely free to return to his previous life and his ex-girlfriend, Polen. After all, Polen was the one that had secured the job position for him and convinced him to take the job.

After a while, the whole situation was beginning to become to much for Sanem and she needed desperately to put an end to it. She saw he was determined to have it his way, so she finally agreed to remain friends with him. It seemed to be the only way for them to be able to go their separate ways.

“Can, I’m sorry for all that has happened, and take complete responsibility for everything.” she gushed. “I have brought you pain and that was something that I never intended to do. I knew undoubtedly how you felt about secrets and lies. I understand your need to leave and distance yourself from me. I truly believe that we both have caused enough pain to one another.” Sanem struggled with her words trying to hold on to all her emotions as tightly as she could and get through yet another lie that she has been forced to tell. “This will be the perfect opportunity for us to find ourselves again and for you to regain the lifestyle that means so much to you”

He was relieved, but not completely convinced that she being truthful with him. They came to an agreement to remain friends and to keep in touch while he was on his travels. He told her the problems they had as a couple were not entirely her fault and they should take this time to forgive each other. Time would cure everything, maybe even his broken heart….

Can emphasized to her that she needed to continue working at the agency; she had such talent for it. If she wanted to publish her book, it could be done from there. He didn’t like the thought of her working with Yigit. Can was sure that Yigit had more than a business attachment to her and he felt uneasy about it. Of course, he told himself that this came from a friend’s point of view. He would always feel like he needed to protect Sanem.

The drive home was solemn and quiet. She was just hanging by a thread and ready to end the relationship. Every emotion and feeling pulsed throughout her body. Her emotions needed somewhere to escape.

Once they arrived at her house, Can tried to talk to her about his itinerary and all the events to follow his arrival in London. Trying to make small talk, almost as if he didn’t want the night to end. But Sanem had heard enough as she tried to cut the conversation short. 

Her heart was screaming, “Why are you doing this? Please, let me go!” After what seemed like an eternity, she was able to step from the car and gave Can one final, but quick goodbye.

Can couldn’t believe she had agreed so quickly and was so quick to say her goodbyes, but he was sure that they would talk in a few days and things would be better. After all, she was still the most important person in his life. 

Chapter 2

To live in her neighborhood and be so vulnerable to all the neighbors and their prying eyes, was a lot for a young woman to handle. There were accusations and gossip when her neighbors saw anything outside of the traditional ways. Reputations and values could be ruined in an instant, and completely without merit.

Sanem’s parents held their traditions and pride at the highest regard. It was a way of life and it was always what was expected of them. Sanem had already been a victim of the gossip and did not want more of the same. She shuddered at the thought of bringing more disgrace upon her family. She knew she had to release herself from the guilt of the lies and deception that engulfed her heart. She knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

Her parents could see that Sanem was visibly shaken and distraught when she arrived home. Her mother Mevkibe, was hovering over her and demanding to know what was wrong. Sanem had to hold it together for a few more minutes to satisfy all of her family’s questions. After a few moments, her dad came to her rescue and told Mevkibe to let her rest and she would tell them what was wrong when she was ready. Very reluctantly she allowed Sanem to go to her room.

The pain and deep agony of what happened that afternoon and the fact of the lies told; it was impossible for her to release all the tears trapped inside for so long. They were frozen and locked up so deep they may never be released. His words still echoed through her mind as she remembered the hurt that was in his eyes. If only he would have listened to her, tried to understand….

The night was long and unrestful. Her mind wouldn’t turn off, and there was a constant re-run of the previous day’s events. What was she going to do, there had to be something, she thought. But it was no use; her mind was numb. She needed to talk to her sister, maybe she would be able to help.

Leyla was fully aware of all the problems that weighed on her sister. They always tried to tackle all the problems that surrounded Sanem and Cans relationship together, and she knew the toll it was taking on her. Although she knew the reasons that Sanem had been forced to give away her perfume to Fabri, all the best intentions sometimes were not enough. It was like Sanem was in quicksand and Leyla wasn’t able to rescue her.

Sanem and Leyla met in the park on the coast. It was not going to be an easy meeting. After sharing the dreadful details of what happened the day before, she was visibly shaken and upset. Leyla informed her that Can had relayed quite a different story to her and Emre the night before. Can had told them the meeting with Sanem had been a good one. They had agreed to remain as friends and they would use this time to think and rebuild their lives. Leyla had wondered at the time how her sister was going to pull of the facade of being his friend and still be able to keep her sanity. Sanem confided in Leila, asking her to do something that would prove to be a challenge for her.  She needed her to keep what she was about to tell her a secret from her parents and from Emre as well. She knew it wouldn’t be easy but it seemed to be the only way out for Sanem.  

Leila listened without saying a word, knowing how hard this would be for her sister, she agreed to help her.

Chapter 3

All the anticipation and excitement that Can had felt for his upcoming adventure, had somewhat diminished to a degree of anguish. Not fully knowing what had caused this change of heart, he had to push through his thoughts and continue as planned. Still thinking of the events that had transpired two days prior with Sanem, all he heartache and disappointment, Can was thankful that she was still going to be part of his life. There was a part of him that would never be able to let her go. She had opened his heart to a love that he could never forget.

He still couldn’t understand the amazement of Leyla and Emre when he told them that evening that he and Sanem had decided to remain friends as they both went their separate ways. He still loved her but the trust issue was a problem that he couldn’t overlook right now. He just needed time!

With him flying out the next day and needed to get his head clear. The thought of her still so vivid in his mind. He wondered if he was doing the right thing, but she had left him no choice. Unfortunately, sleep did not come easy for him that night. Try as he might his heart seemed to be tied in knots and nothing was helping. He read, he listened to music, he watched tv but every nerve in his body was on high alert. This would be harder than he thought, this thought of walking away. How could someone do that if they really loved? He felt the emptiness of the love from his mother and how she disappeared from his life without a thought. 

“This is stupid” Can yelled out loud as he held his phone in his hand. “Why would I be afraid to call her and tell her I’m heading out? Just call man, it’s a simple phone call.” He stared at her name on the phone, that feeling of regret was growing. He quickly turned off his phone, “Well I guess I’ll call on my way to the airport, she may not be up yet.” He settled in his taxi and checked to make sure he has all of the necessary paperwork for the trip in his carry-on bag. He couldn’t shake this feeling–of dread or fear. Come on Divit get it together.

He pulled out his phone and scrolled to her name once again, Just the sight of it had made his stomach feel funny. He dialed her number——waiting…. but she didn’t answer. It’s still early, he thought, maybe she’s in the shower… but, she knew I was leaving today and I would be calling her. He knew she would see that he called and call him back before I board the plane, no big deal….anyway that’s what his head was saying….

Waiting to board and getting anxious, he was worried that she hadn’t returned his call so he rang her again. She didn’t answer. That’s strange, he thought, but there could be numerous reasons for her not to answer. I’ll send a text to let her know I’m getting ready to board.

He typed “Hey, tried to call but didn’t get through. I’m getting ready to board, talk to you soon!”…….Send.

He started to call Emre just as they called his flight. I’ll call him as soon as I land. Ok Divit, lets go—concentrate on the business at hand. 

He headed for the gate feeling that heaviness in his heart, like maybe he was making the biggest mistake of his life…. but he walked on.

Chapter 4

The buzz in the literature world for the summer season had been a writer’s workshop and seminar to be held in Chania on the Crete Island. She had been hearing about it for months and she was very excited about the possibility to attend.

She and Leyla planned every detail to a fault and were determined to pull it off. She had rented a small cottage on the coast just on the outskirts of the town. It was close to the community center where the seminar was to be held, easy walking distance.

With Leyla’s help they convinced Anne and BaBa to let her attend. It would be a huge boost for her experience and she would meet all the necessary people to further her career. Never mentioning that the shadows and ghosts of Can Divit that surrounded her everywhere she went, was one of the main reasons to run from Istanbul.

It had been a week since Can left and she was on her way to the airport to start the new life that she so desperately needed. The calls from him were coming more and more frequent and the texts had done a major overload on her phone. The stress was almost too much to bear. His calls to Emre were demanding and aggravated to inquire of her whereabouts.

“Emre, I have sent over 50 texts to her and called more times than that!! And nothing. So what’s up, where is she?” Can’s message to Emre was filled with anger and even desperation. Emre had to choose his words carefully for they had given their word they wouldn’t tell her secret.

“Can just relax, what is so important that you have to speak to her?” Emre tried to sound nonchalant with the question.

“Because I haven’t been able the to talk to her since the day before I left and that wasn’t our agreement!” he said.

Emre quoted to him a conversation they had before he left, that they would take this time to work on themselves and start to rebuild their lives. That did nothing but irritate Can more. “Anyway, I don’t even know where she is.” Emre bantered. Can was insistent on him finding out where she was, and said he call back when they reached the next location.

All he knew is somebody better have an answer when he called back. It had been three weeks and Emre was still serving up one excuse after another to him. 

Chapter 5

She had arrived in Chania Greece three days before the seminar was to begin in hopes to get herself familiar with the town.

The goodbye at the airport had been difficult. Her plan of not returning to Istanbul at the end of the seminar was a well-guarded secret. In fact, she hadn’t told anyone that she would not return. When she got there and got settled in, she would let Leyla know her plans.

The town was mesmerizing and so full of color and life. Her cottage was very quaint and small, but it was all she needed. After unpacking she moved to the back deck facing the sea. What a sight—-she wondered where Can was and what he was doing. But after a stern talking to, she decided it wasn’t going to do her any good to sit and dwell. She was there for a new beginning, and she was going to have it if it killed her!

She made a quick phone call to Leyla to let her know she arrived safely. Leyla told her that Can had been binge calling Emre and has adamantly insisting that they tell him how to get ahold of Sanem since she wouldn’t answer or return texts.

Can’s famous words of “Is she just trying to drive me crazy or what?” was the opening and closing to every conversation.

Sanem knew this was going to a reality check for him because he had never experienced rejection from any woman. Not that he sought after other women’s affection but it was just the fact that he had a certain demeanor that attracted them. She often wondered if that was part of the draw towards her, the fact she kept running from him. It was even mentioned a time or two how she was like the wind and he couldn’t hold her in his hands.

She begged her sister to hold strong and keep putting him off in hopes he would grow tired and give up. She would call again in a few days.

There had been a minimal amount of supplies furnished in the cottage, so her first trip to town would come very soon. She changed her clothes into comfortable leggings, an oversized t-shirt, a belt and flat walking shoes. She pulled her hair up in a high ponytail and put sunglasses on. She slung her extra-large tote bag over her shoulder and said to herself, “Do I look like a local or a tourist?” It might take a while but she was definitely going to fit in.

The shops and open bazaars where abundant and full of arts and crafts. She purchased two wind chimes to hang on the back deck. She loved to hear them; they reminded her of the chimes at the mountain hut and the lazy evening they spent there together just listening to the wind. Finally, to the market. She purchased just simple things to cook since she had not mastered the fine art of cooking yet, but that was on her bucket list. That brought the thought of Polen to mind, all though she had all those recipes permanently photocopied in her mind, that would be something she would never do.

It had become late in the afternoon when she got back to the cottage and decided on a quick toast and chia. First things first, hang the wind chimes before she got started on dinner. Even though it was late May and warm, there was a chilly breeze coming from the sea. She walked along the shore to gather some small wood for a fire in the fire pit that was furnished in the back garden. The fire was warm and peaceful and there was just enough of a breeze to hear the chime. She was thinking, I’ve got this, I can do this, I have to do this. NO, NO, NO don’t do it Sanem, don’t you cry, as the lump in her throat grew bigger and the tears brimmed her eyes. Her mind was screaming. You have cried enough tears over him!

She longed to forgive herself for all the lies and mistakes and if the stars all aligned right and granted her the peace she so wanted and deserved then maybe she could return to her home one day and maybe, just maybe, she could be happy again.

She still had a day before the seminar and was excited to get started. She straightened up the cottage from her many clothes all about, had a light breakfast, and set out for a walk down the coast. The houses were all quaint and traditional but had many colors and designs. It all was very similar to her home but it made her sad to think of how many miles away she was. The beach soon faded into a jetty of rocks along the shore. Instantly, she was transported back to the dreaded rocks at home that had been the scene of numerous fights between her and Can. Stopping short of the rocks and making sure not to sit down, for that would surely jinx them, she let some of those memories flood back. She thought it was good to remember some of those times in order to understand and file them away in her mind’s “what not to do in the future” file.

The sound of a voice brought her back to her senses. She could hear them but couldn’t see them, as she looked around searching for the voice. She finally spotted someone sitting on the balcony of the house above the rocks. The conversation seemed to be slightly heated and she decided to move on down the beach, just to give them some privacy. The man on the deck had noticed her and lowered his voice. He quickly hung up and leaned over the railing and waved, “Sorry ma’am, I didn’t mean to startle you.” the stranger apologized. She gave a quick wave and made her way back towards her cottage.

Sunshine filled her bedroom and she had to squint to tell the time. Oh damn, this is not a good way to start the first day of the workshop. That glass of wine had really done the trick on getting a sound night’s sleep and the sound of the waves didn’t hurt either. As she rushed to get ready and sprinted out the door, the phone got her attention. Ahh Can, my god, how I wish I could answer. Decline the call and don’t think, don’t react, don’t feel. As always, it was followed with a text. Always the same: “PLEASE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.”

The week that followed was like heaven on Earth. She listened intently to every word that was spoken, feeling and absorbing it all in. She experienced so many different authors and many different styles of writing. It was all so intriguing and she wanted to learn more and more. 

But with all that happiness in her life right now, she still missed that most important part………Can.

Chapter 6

Can had been in a remote village, high in the Balkan mountains for about two weeks and there was no cell phone service. All communication was done by radio and Can was desperate to get back to civilization to make his phone calls. Emre had better have some answers for him or he was cutting this whole project short and going home. The guide for the group had radioed for the trucks to start making their way to the village to pick them up to take them to the next location. They had been waiting for about four hours for transport when they received the message that they had broken down and it was going to be another day before they could get a replacement vehicle. Can was like a caged lion, pacing back and forth. He yelled, “This is putting us way behind schedule and it would be hard to catch up, I’m ready to get this shoot over with and get out of here!”

He had never been so disconnected from a project in all the years that he had been doing photography. The whole project just didn’t seem to make sense, he wasn’t comfortable with what he was shooting and the none of the photos were coming out right. It was taking twice as long to get the shot they wanted. He needed to get to the next town and see about cell service so he could call home.

Now they were three days behind and still no cell service. He was really beginning to regret taking this job. Almost three weeks of not being able to call or text her; maybe she was getting worried about him and would be glad to answer the phone when he called. Or maybe she would think he had just given up! God, I hope not. I’ll never give up. I can be just as stubborn as she is. We waged war against each other before and I won and I’ll damn sure do it again. All those memories ran through his head and he began to think how stupid and trivial it all seemed now, as he drifted off to sleep with her bandana wrapped around his hand.

One week later they finally made it to Sofia, and most importantly, finally they had cell service. He called Emre. He told Can that they had very little contact with her and she refused to tell them where she was. He was livid, how did aunt Mevkibe and uncle Nihat allow her to go off by herself?

“This just doesn’t make any kind of sense to me, Emre.” he retorted. He knew they were keeping all this from him. Can then snapped to Emre over the phone, “If you or anyone else has deliberately kept her location from me, even to teach me a lesson, then it is working. Cut the crap and tell me where she is! Emre if I was home right now you would have hell to pay you know it don’t you! You’re still going to pay when I get there, do you understand?” Emre tried to stay calm and kept denying knowing anything at all. “Abi please, just try and concentrate on your job and come back safe and sound.” Emre pleaded with him. He knew his fate was sealed upon Can’s return if Sanem didn’t have a change of heart. 

Chapter 7


The seminar was over and Sanem was both excited and disappointed. She had met so many wonderful people. They had all given her such high praise on her writing skills that she was on cloud nine. Two of the publishers that had attended were very interested in her work and asked to present her rough draft to their firm. She was shocked and overjoyed. Was she going to allow herself to think it might really happen? Maybe this was what it meant to ‘get yourself back on track’ and start to forgive.

Can hadn’t call or sent a text in over three weeks, she thought maybe he’d lost interest or given up. Oh, I hope nothing’s happened to him. It is pretty dangerous up there in the mountains and a lot can happen like a fall or something, but he done this before, he’ll be fine. Don’t let your over active mind get the best of you.

The woman who ran the bookstore by the dock was needing some help in rearranging the store and ask Sanem if she would like to give a hand. The pay was decent and the work was right up her alley. Being able to read and learn about all the books she had in her shop was almost unthinkable. All that and getting paid for it too, it couldn’t get any better. Iris was in her late 60’s and couldn’t climb the ladder much to reach the top shelves so Sanem was happy to be able to help her.

Sanem had told her sister that she would be staying there for a while but didn’t give a timeline of when she would be returning home. Anne had called and all but ordered her to return immediately. She knew that was going to happen when she revealed her plans to Leyla. With a lot of persuading and explaining about her job there and all the nice people she had met and friends she had made, Anne reluctantly agreed to let her stay. Sanem as casually as she could: “Anne, has Can tried to contact you about my whereabouts?” She replied, “No, not us. He has called Emre and Leyla umpteen times and even threatened Emre if he didn’t find out where you were.” Sanem ended the call and promised she would call daily to let them she was fine and thanked her for understanding.

First day of work was fantastic but very tiring. A lot of remodeling was going on and it was going to great when it was done. When Sanem finished work, she went back to her cottage to relax on the deck with a sandwich, a glass of wine, and a book. It was so quiet and still that not even wind chimes made any sound. The ring of her phone made her jump and wine spilled everywhere. It was Can! Oh crap, just decline! Sanem never let it go to voicemail. Once the call was forwarded, almost instantly a text message appeared on her screen saying, “No nothing has happened to me. Everything is fine but we were just out of service for a while” Oh that man, how does he know all my thoughts? She couldn’t help but smile, just a little.

The moon was so big and bright that night she could see clearly all the way down the beach to the rocks. She grabbed her blanket and the refilled glass of wine and walked to the shore. As she spread out her blanket and sat down close to the water, she thought of Can looking at the same bright moon and playing with his moonstones. There were an abundance of good times that remained in her memories, some were etched there for rest of her days.

She noticed some movement out of the corner of her eye and turned around sharply to see a young man walking her way. He was waving and said “Hi I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you again!” Sanem replied, “No it’s alright you didn’t scare me.” The man responded “My name is Luca and I live in the house by the rocks. I have seen you several times on the beach and thought I’d introduce myself.” She then answered, “I’m Sanem, pleased to meet you.” 

Chapter 8

Okay I really think that time has stopped here. Has it just been four months up here? It seems like a year. Four months of not hearing her voice, not seeing her face. HOW STUPID DIVIT! This was all your idea and now you have to live with it. Just keep running that whole scenario over and over in your head. All she did was try and help you out of a bad situation. You overreacted, like always, and that ego of yours has lost you more than it has gained. Time to re-evaluate yourself and start learning how to forgive.

The magazine decided to add a few more locations on to the project. That’s great. That just meant it’s going to take another month. I’m never getting out of here. I have to call Emre and see if they will tell me anything about Sanem and let him know it’s going to be three more months instead of two.

His phone call to his brother played out the same way the many calls before had. Emre denied any knowledge of her whereabouts and changed the subject to work. Emre informed him that had landed a new account. As he filled him in on the details and outline the concept of the campaign, Can was imagining the next logical move. He complemented Emre on the work the team had done and gave a stamp of approval even though he had barely heard a word he said about the project. When they disconnected the call, Can muttered out loud, “How did I not think of this before? CeyCey!”

He quickly rang CeyCey’s phone and heard his friends voice vibrate with enthusiasm. “Can-bey I can’t believe it’s you! How are you?” Can knew he would have to endure a certain amount of small talk before he could get to the topic at hand. He quickly filled him in on all the events leading up to that day and quizzed him on the daily routine of the agency and of the new clients. Having said what he deemed necessary; he went right to the point. “CeyCey, have you seen or talked to Sanem? I have seemed to miss her the last few times I called and have concern that there is a problem.” It wasn’t a complete lie, he had missed her when he called, he just didn’t say it was every time he called.

“No Can-bey. I haven’t talked to her since she resigned from the agency.” Can stuttered, “She what? You tell me you if haven’t talked to her. When did she resign? Don’t leave out anything CeyCey, I want the truth!” His voice was not more than a whisper and resembling a growl that CeyCey had never heard before. CeyCey knew he had said too much and began to panic and rant. “I don’t feel like I can answer that question myself. Let me get Ms. Deren,” he shouted. With that, Can was on hold.

In what seemed like an eternity, Deren greeted him with an exuberant hello. “Can! It is so good to hear from you! How are you?” His heart was beating in his ears so loudly he could barely hear her. Tired of the unnecessary chatter he demanded to know when Sanem had resigned. Deren, completely unraveled said, “Well, let me see. It looks like she turned in her papers on May 21st.”

His mind was racing. That was the day before I left, and no one thought it relevant to tell me. “Really?” he finally let the words to come out of his mouth, “And why wasn’t I informed of this?” he sputtered.

She was trying to choose the right words but they just didn’t come. Deren knew nothing of Sanem’s plans and had preferred not to know just for this particular reason. She told him she thought Sanem had talked to him about it and it was agreed upon before they both departed.

He abruptly ended the call and stared into the darkness. His lungs ached like full of air, yet as hard as he tried, he couldn’t exhale. He struggled to breathe and his brain was in a fog. He was so far from everything and everyone, he never felt so powerless.

After what seemed an eternity, he started to process what he had heard. It looked like they were all in on this game.

Had he become a person that was unforgiving and callous, without feelings? He had made a mistake in not listening to her and showing her compassion. How many times he told her to listen to her heart and soul, yet he didn’t do that himself. He loved her beyond himself and always would. There was no way he could walk away her.

Look where that ego has gotten you now Divit!

He picked up his phone and typed a text message. “I’m listening to my heart and soul. Sorry I didn’t listen to your words. I LOVE YOU Sanem!” -send. 

Chapter 9

Every text and every phone call still sent electric waves through her body. The urge to answer or text him back was almost more than she could stand. She stood looking at the last text wondering what had brought that on. Why now was he sorry for not hearing her?

Luca had suggested they have dinner on the beach that evening since the weather had been so perfect. He had stopped at the café on the pier and picked up a couple of their favorite dishes: Chicken Souvlaki and a Greek salad. The owner of the cafe was especially fond of Luca since she had provided most of his meals for him since he had arrived in Chania so she gifted him a large bowl of fruit and bread. Sanem said she could supply the wine. They had developed a friendship over the last few weeks and had slowly began to reveal things about their past and what had brought them there.

She knew he had been married but not any of the details of what happened. She knew that his family called him daily and begged him to come home. In fact, one of their conversations on the phone was what had startled her that first day, when she walked along the beach. He told her he had been in Chania for three years and wasn’t sure if he would ever go back home.

She had not divulged to much information to him about Can and how they parted but he had seen several of the phone calls and texts come in to be declined or not replied to. He would never pry or ask too many questions; he would let her decide how much to tell him. He only knew when she was ready to share, he was ready to listen.

As he watched her spread the blanket and unpack the food, he studied her face, from the slight smile to the sincerity in her eyes. He knew she was someone he could open up to, and that was a feeling he hadn’t had in the last three years.

The dinner was delicious and they had great conversations about writing and a new book they had found. He could easily make her laugh and she loved the fact that he would go to extreme in his story telling to do so. What he wouldn’t do to make her laugh. Yes, he loved that laugh.

She needed to laugh and he had that knack of knowing when that was. Her mood was lighter and more content after she ate. Food was beginning to taste good to her again and it was more fulfilling than when she first moved there. In all the best of times between her and Can was always celebrated with food, from the second day of her working at the agency to their trip to the Can’s best friends printing shop. He took to dinner while they waited to use the printer. She remembered the comment he made, that most women he knew didn’t like to eat or drink chia. At the time she thought it so strange for him to say, but later she understood it all too well.

The sea had extra glow and twinkle that night and the moon danced on the ripples and waves like sequins. The light side of the moon, so beautiful, how she wished she wasn’t the dark side. Luca interrupted her thoughts and asked her where her mind had taken her. She knew she could never share that story with him, well at least not now. Smiling, she said,” Just thoughts of home.”

The pinging of her phone brought her back. There was a text…

“The moon is beautiful tonight, the light side, your side.”

How did he have that uncanny way of knowing all of her thoughts? Was he locked inside her mind and soul? If so, how would she ever unlock herself and set him free?

Luca saw quickly how that text had diminished her mood so he said, “let me help you carry all this stuff to the house and tidy up, it’s getting late.” She turned her head and swiped away a tear as it trickled down her cheek. “Thanks, Luca. I think we might have lost track of time.”

As they made their way up the beach to her house with arms full of the leftovers, he stopped. Without looking at her he said, “My wife was killed three and a half years in a plane crash. That has been the hardest thing in my life to accept, so when you’re ready to talk I’m ready to listen.”

Sanem had no words to say and felt so sorry for him. All she could muster up to say was how truly sorry she was and then thought how trivial that had seemed.

He helped her with the food and thanked her for her company and with a quick hug he told her goodnight.

In her very logical part of her mind she knew she needed to buy a new phone and get a new phone number but in her vulnerable side of her mind that meant all forms of contacts would be gone. Was she ready for that? What a hassle of getting a new number would be, she thought. But I definitely will think about it, maybe later.

She dressed for bed and remembered she hadn’t gone through her mail for a couple of days. It wasn’t like she had a lot of correspondents, mostly junk mail.

But, there was a letter. It was in a full manila envelope addressed to her in pen from the publishers: “Ms. Ayden, We are happy to inform you that we have accepted your transcript and the revisions that were made. We will plan a release date in early 2021. There will be a launch to six major markets at that time. Consisting of Turkey, Greece, Italy, Spain, France and the United Kingdom. A second launch for later in the year for a broader spectrum. We will handle all publicity engagements and book signings. There will be a contract to follow for you to sign and return along with a sample copy of the cover for the book. There will also be a check enclosed for advance payment of projected sales from your book. We have extremely high hopes for the release of this book and are pleased and thankful to work with you.”

Oh my, this is really going to happen! Ah Can ah, when you are not–joy is so incomplete.

Chapter 10

He had thought it pointless to keep the daily harassment of Emre and Leyla about Sanem. They weren’t going to tell him anything. It was as though they considered him the enemy. His thoughts of her would keep him going until he could finish this never-ending job.

October 19th meant one more week on location and then the job done. He would fly to London last week of the month to close everything out with the office. He would be home in Istanbul the first of November.

The calls and texts had reduced to one a day now. And the text always came at night when he had his time to think and feel. Whatever thought made his insides open up was what he would send. He was sure that was what she was thinking to.

I’m not forgetting you; I’m just letting you forgive.

He felt energized and strong by the end of the week. All the fear and anxiety he had felt was slowly going away. Just a few more things to do and he would head home. First to London to finalize everything with the office and pick up his commission. Since the whole project had been extended, he would receive a bonus to go along with it. That would nicely replenish his bank account and that would prohibit him from having to take on another job like that. His plans were not to accept any more assignments like this ever again.

When he arrived at the office in London, he decided to let Emre know to expect him home in a few days.

“Abi, it’s good to hear your voice,” Emre said. “Where are you and when are you coming home?” Can explained he was in London and would be home early the next week. “Emre,” Can asked, “Are you going to tell me anything about Sanem?” After a long silence Can said “Okay, then I’ll see you in a few days.”

Emre hated the feeling that he heard in his brother’s voice but his hands were tied. Between Leyla and his in-laws, it would be impossible for him to say anything.

A party, of course there had to be a party. This was the part he hated the most, all the hoopla that he didn’t care about. Let’s just get this over with. The exhibit was large and they had spent a lot of money to display it, so he knew this was important.

He always felt uneasy at these things and tried to keep a low profile but it was hard to do. He was mingling and taking time to stop and explain some of the pictures on display and taking an occasional picture with someone. He was describing one shot of any elderly lady in one of the villages when he heard someone call his name. Polen. He had completely forgot that she was friends with the director of the office. She quickly came over to him to give him an unexpectedly long hug and kiss. “Can I’m so glad your back. We have so much to catch up on. Don’t make any plans for after the party,” she said. “We’re going back to my place and you can relax.”

What did she say? “Polen,” he explained, “I have a very nice room down the street that I will be staying in, but thanks.” His whole statement seemed to go unnoticed and she quickly grabbed one of the photographers to snap a picture of them. Well that was just great. His hopes of getting in and out of London unscathed wasn’t going to happen.

Whether she had intended for the whole thing to happen or not, it seemed to him like a well-organized plan. And there it was, on the front page of the entertainment section of the newspaper. Front and center; it took up a quarter of the page. Allah, allah.

He had somehow managed to escape the party that night with the excuse of tremendous jet lag and the need to sleep before his trip home. The next morning, he was greeted with the event of the week making the TV entertainment news and of course the speculation of a possible reconciliation of the former couple. He was growing tired of the whole ordeal and realized he would have to be cruel and forbidding with her to put an end to all that was. He hoped that the damage had not already been done. 

Chapter 11

It wasn’t that she didn’t like autumn, but it just meant that winter was right around the corner and that she didn’t care for. So far, the season had been warmer than usual allowing her to spend her time outside and down on the beach.

Can had seemed to have lost interest in the constant phone calls and texts. They were down to one a day. But she hadn’t received anything for a couple of days. Relieved or anxious, she wasn’t quite sure and that made her annoyed with herself. After almost seven months you’d think I would be getting over it. But we are talking about Can Divit. He was not easy to forget.

Sunday morning—-that was her lazy time. A good cup of chia and a fire in the back garden. Luca would make an occasional appearance and bring some rolls to go with chia. He was more of a coffee person so he brought his own and this Sunday morning was no exception. There was an easiness about their friendship and something about it made her feel safe. Coffee, rolls, and the newspaper, always the same. Maybe that’s what she liked about it, the constant predictability of it all. She knew where she stood with him and that wouldn’t change, maybe, even if she made a mistake.

“Wow! Six months in the Balkan Mountains taking pictures. There’s got to be a lot of stories to tell there,” Luca said with a laugh. “That takes someone special!”

The blood flooded to her head and pounded there like a drum; her heart dropped to her stomach. He was still talking to her but she was deaf to it. There she was, back to all her organs shaking and shifting again just like in the opera house. “Sanem? Sanem, hey are you okay?” Luca looking at her with instant concern. “What? Oh, yeah I’m fine. I just can’t imagine something like that.” she fumbled to get the words out.

“I know,” he said, “And the woman! It says she’s a physicist in London. Look they have their picture,” as he thrust the newspaper in front her. “They sure look like a power couple to me.”

She couldn’t help but look. He looked thinner, his beard was bushy and a little unkept but never the less still gorgeous. Polen looked her same model-like self, confident and regal standing next to him.

If her eyes could burn anymore from all the tears that she was holding inside they would surely catch on fire. She snatched up her stuff and mumbled an excuse of complete nonsense and darted into the house. Luca reluctantly gathered up his cup and newspaper and left, knowing that something wasn’t right. He would come back later and check on her; he’d give her some time and maybe she would talk to him.

Sanem stumbled into the house and locked the door behind her. The tears rolled down her face with no way for her to stop them. Running into the bathroom, she stripped off her clothes. She turned the shower on and stood there, letting the hot water burn her skin and the steam to fill the room. Damn him; she seemed to always be crying over him. Would it ever stop? She had to make it stop. Yes, she had told him to go back to his life with her, so again, yet another lie she would have to forgive herself for.

The water turned to ice after standing there shamming and ridiculing herself for the longest time. She screamed and quickly reached to turn off the water. She toweled off and put on an oversized t-shirt. Wrapping a towel around her hair, she flopped on her bed. Was she going to allow him to knock the breath out of her again as before? Polen, Ceyda and Aichan had all flirted deliberately with him in front of her and he did nothing to put them in their place. She had to be strong and accept the inevitable. That was what this master plan was all about anyway, right?

When she opened her eyes, her clock said 2 o’clock. She had slept for three hours. Not what she had planned to do but she needed it. She unwrapped her hair and combed through letting the rest dry on its own. She liked the natural wavy look it had when it dried in the wind.

She made a salad and grabbed the book she had been reading. She propped herself up on the sofa to read. Totally engrossed in the book, she hadn’t noticed the hour and got up to turn on the light. It was already 7 o’clock. Then there was a knock on the door. Who can that be? she thought. She opened the door to see Luca there. “Hi there, you doing okay?” he asked squinting his eyes at her as if he was examining her. She assured him she was find and asked he wanted a glass of wine. Accepting her offer, he came in and sat at the kitchen table. He told her he had come by earlier but didn’t get answer and was worried. She told him he must have come while she was taking a nap and she didn’t hear him. They talked a minute before he came right to the point. “Why did that story about that photographer upset you so bad this morning?” Well, let’s just get straight to it then.

“He is the reason that I’m here.” she sighed, barely being able to speak the words.

“I kind of thought as much,” he said. “Was that lady the reason you broke up?” Sanem drew in a breath, “No. Actually that is his ex-girlfriend, or maybe his current one, I don’t really know.” Squinting down his eyes and her he asked, “Is he the one that calls and texts you every day that you don’t answer?” “Yes he is” she said.

“Well that’s not the actions of a man that has moved on, trust me,” he stated. “Look, you can tell as little or as much as you want right now. I’m not going to push you on it, but at some point, you’re going to have to talk about or it will eat you up inside, and I’m a pretty good listener. When you’re ready.”

“Okay, just not tonight. I don’t want to talk about it tonight.” she replied.

He stood to leave and brought her into his body and held her there. His arms were strong and inviting and she knew he wanted to be her protector. She stepped away and smiled saying, “can we talk tomorrow?” He slowly nodded and started for the door. “Goodnight.” She closed the door thinking how his arms had felt around her.

Maybe it was time to finally confide in someone. What did she have to lose? She had pretty much lost everything already. She would think about it.

The next morning was chaos. She was running late and she hated to be late or in a rush. She would have to put off calling Abla until that evening. It had been a slow day at the store and she was able to get caught up on a lot of things. She was just locking up when her phone pinged. “Sanem? I’m home. Please call me.”

Before she walked the short distance home, Leyla had called her. “Hello sister, how are you?” Sanem answered. Leyla responded, “Sanem, Can is home.” 

Chapter 12

When Can arrived home, everything hit him and the reality of her absence was almost more than he could bear. In the silence of the house, his mind was racing as to what to do. For the first time in his life, he felt helpless and like he deserved all that he was feeling. The objective of the trip was to get some peace of mind and some calm back in his heart. Now the only thing that would bring calmness to his heart was her. Sanem. I think I just might have blown my chance with her and I don’t blame her at all. Of course, she wasn’t going to listen to me. Why should she? I didn’t give her a chance to speak at all. I formed my opinion of what she did by looking only with my standards. How did I come to be so black and white and seeing only what I wanted to see? I had hurt her and I knew it, I knew it when I was doing it and still couldn’t stop myself. I won’t let this be the end of it, I can’t. I love her more that I love myself, so I’m prepared to do whatever it takes.

He knew Emre and Leyla would be home soon so he had to make a couple of phone calls before. He looked up his old friend Mr. Volkan and set up a meeting with him. If anybody could find her it was him.

He tried her number and the call was refused after the first ring. He sent a text “I know I don’t deserve it but please give me a chance, please.”

Emre came in the door and grabbed Can in a big bear hug. “Man it’s good to see you!” Emre yelled. “Tell me all about your trip while I get us a drink,” he said.

“Not much to tell really,” Can replied, “Most of the trip was spent trying to get YOU to tell me where Sanem is. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about it, brother.” Emre stiffened and said, “Look Can, I was under the impression that you two were going your separate ways and starting a new life, so why did her actions effect you so much?” Can put his drink down on a shelf and walked out to the garden, looking at the spot where she had sat and waited for him to come home that night so she could confess her love for him. Thinking of that night and how happy he was crushed his heart and soul.

“Emre what I did to her was wrong. I knew it but couldn’t stop. I never loved anyone like that before and thought her more than human. Someone without mistakes and faults, someone who I considered equal to my unrealistic life standards. I have learned a lot in the past seven months. The main thing is nobody’s perfect and would we even want them to be. I had the biggest flaw of all and that’s not being able the forgive. I’m hoping that I will get a chance to show her I’ve changed and will spend the rest of my life begging her forgiveness.”

Emre felt for his brother and all that he was going through but also knew the Sanem did what she knew she had to do. He had to respect her and her decision.

If Can was going to find Sanem he would have to do it on his own without his help and he had a feeling that was just what he would do.

The meeting with Mr. Volkan was a short one, seeing as Can had little information other than her name and a physical description of her. Mr. Volkan asked for her phone number so he could possibly check phone records.

Can told him that Sanem had resigned from the agency on May 21st and no one there had seen or heard from her since. Her family and Emre had to know where she was but had refused to tell him. Volkan asked Can if he could remember her saying anything about a place that she really wanted to visitor or move to. Can thought and the only place was Galapagos island. Could that be where she had gone? They decided he would start there and see what he came up with. He told him to inform him of any information he discovered no matter how small. Can felt like finding her was going to take a lot of work but he was not giving up. Just knowing that they all knew where she was but refusing to tell him was causing such a waste of time.

Getting back to the office to work was going to be hard but his logic was, he could be near Leyla and possibly luck on to some information. He wasn’t beyond eavesdropping, if he had to. 

Chapter 13

She decided it was time to get that new number after all. She purchased a new cell phone and asked for a different number because someone had been harassing her on her old one. When she arrived home, she found a pizza box with her favorite pizza inside sitting by her door. The note said: ‘Thought you might like this. It seems you’ve had to work late. We can talk later… Bon appetite! Luca.’ Oh, how sweet, she thought, this my favorite kind and I’m so hungry. She grabbed a glass of wine and a plate for the pizza and stretched out on the sofa. She texted abla and told her this was her new number and to save it in her contacts list. She also asked her to be sure and give it to Anne and Baba and tell them she would call them tomorrow. Leyla sent a text message back and said she was glad she got a new number and let Sanem know that Can had been asking anyone and everyone if they had heard from her. Her last text message of the night read, “I wouldn’t doubt it if he doesn’t put out a reward on you, he’s really desperate.”

Sanem tried not to think about him but her mind refused to cooperate. She got full on her pizza and the wine was doing its job of making her relaxed. She cleaned up the kitchen, poured her another glass of wine and made her way to the bedroom. Changing into her pajamas, she slipped into her bed. She reached for her glass, if there was ever a two-glass night, it was tonight. She would call Luca in the morning to thank him for the pizza she thought as she fell asleep.

It had been pretty slow at the bookstore lately so Iris had left it to her to run. She enjoyed being alone there; it gave her time to work on her book and to read which always gave her inspiration. It was about lunch time when the bell rang as the door opened. She rushed out from the back to see Luca there with sandwich and chia. He lifted up the tray to her as if it was an offering. She laughed and took the tray.

“Are you trying to fatten me up or something?” She giggled.

He smiled and replied, “Melite from the cafe had prepared it for her. You have to eat lunch so I thought I would deliver it,” He gave her his squinted look and said, “l hardly think you are going to get fat!”

They sat and he watched her as she ate and chatter about the progress she had made on her book that day. She told him she had gotten a new phone and number and not to let her forget to give it to him before he left. Surprised, he asked if she was ready for that. He stated that was pretty final for her and for him.

He questioned, “Is that a possible mistake that you’re ready to make?” He looked away from her and bowed his head as if ashamed saying, “I kept my wife’s phone for two years after she died just to be able to hear her voice on the voicemail. I was terrified I would forget the sound of her voice.”

Sanem feverishly tried to swallow the last bite of sandwich that was stuck in her throat along with her heart. The look of pain and loss in his eyes was heartbreaking for her. Her mind was racing with the thought that maybe she had acted hastily. What was she going to do when there was no pinging of a text and no ringing of the phone? It was final, what had she done. She had removed all of Can’s thoughts of her and every deliberate appeal for her forgiveness just as if they didn’t matter. To come to the defense of her heart her inner voice made an appearance of logic reminding her that her pleas for forgiveness and understanding from him had been ignored and it was his actions that had brought them to this state.

Luca could see she was realizing the reality of her decision. He grabbed the tray and turned to leave knowing all too well the feelings in her soul. He had lived the same feelings some time before when coming to his realization that her voice would not bring her back to him. She jolted back to herself as he moved to the door saying, “Wait, I need to give you my number!” He returned with, “There’s no hurry, I’ll come over tonight and you can give it to me then. Maybe we can talk, you know a real talk.”

Completely distracted now of any kind of work on her book she finished the list of contacts on her new phone. When she added in Nuans Publishing House, she knew she needed to call Ahmet and relay her new information and find out the status of the release.

She rang Ahmet’s number and got his voicemail so she decided to leave the information and he could return her call. After five minutes, Ahmet was called back excited to hear from her. She explained she had gotten a new number and wanted to update her contact info. They talked about the book and he told her he had confirmed a couple of engagements for her in Italy for the release tour. Greece and ltaly would launch first with the others to follow shortly thereafter. Leyla had expressed concern about her using her proper name as the author when the book was to be released. At the time Sanem hadn’t thought about a pen name but Leyla pointed out it could draw attention and jeopardize her desire to no be found.

She took this opportunity to talk to him about it and ask if that was something that would be a possibility. He said that was not out of the ordinary and could be taken care of quickly. He asked if she had a preferred name to use, so she replied Aysel Aydin. She had always loved Aysel because of the meaning, ‘of like the moon’. And Aydin was a very common surname so it couldn’t draw much unwanted attention. They agreed and he would send a contract along stating the changes, it was all fairly painless. She had finally completed another step to alienate herself from her past and all that represented her.

She gathered up her things and locked up the store. As she walked home, she hoped her decision didn’t upset her parents. It was something she had to do like so many things she had to do in the last seven months. Trying to save her heart meant losing her identity.

The cold air made for a brisk walk home and she was glad to change into her cozy clothes and curl up. She opted for a light dinner and a hot cup of tea, no wine tonight for that could quickly become a habit.

Luca had watched her walk down the street to her house and thought to give her time to eat and unwind a little then he’d go over. He hoped she would talk to him tonight and trust him enough to open her heart. Contemplating the idea of filling his heart with someone else was causing anxiety and doubt as to whether he was ready for it all. Up to this point there hadn’t been anyone that made him feel joy or feel at ease in his own skin. But what if she wasn’t ready. Would it be too much for him to take? 

Chapter 14

After Can’s meeting with Mr. Volkan, everything moved pretty quickly. They had decided to start with Galapagos Island and hoped that it would pay off. Volkan was to report any possible findings and they would determine if he was to follow up. The three major cities on the island had numerous hotels and lodging options, so it was just to start asking if she was registered there or had been. A process of elimination that would prove time involved. Can’s patience was not his strong point and Volkan knew he had to work fast but not as to bypass is attempt to be thorough.

The agency had been in high gear with the addition of the new campaign. Everyone took their job very serious and applied all their talents to develop a top-notch campaign.

The situation between Can and Leyla was a little strained but they still worked well together.

She handled more of the financial aspect of the projects with Emre and Can was the creative side. Sanem had always been his go to for the creativeness of side of things. Her absence was being felt talent wise but most of all personally. It was a challenge for Can to endure a full day of work and meetings with the thoughts of Sanem flooding his mind.

After one of their brainstorming meetings, Can overheard CeyCey talking to Gulize about the campaign and how this was something that Sanem would have made extraordinary and how much he missed her. Listening for a minute to see if he would divulge any information, he went on with his work.

They had worked hard and the presentation was right around the corner. He would be glad for it to be over and be able to unclog his brain. It seemed that any thoughts that weren’t on Sanem had been an interruption and he needed to put full attention back on finding her.

A few days into Mr. Volkan arriving in San Cristóbal, he was getting the feeling they had taken the wrong direction. He hit a complete dead end and in talking to Can they decided to move into Isabela. It was a little less traveled and he felt that she would stay in a more remote and natural area. He asked if he was showing her picture as well just in case she was using a different name. He assured him he was but so far nothing. Hope was diminishing with her phone being disconnected, him being able to reach out to her was now impossible.

It was the same in Isabela: nothing. His report to Can was devastating and they agreed for Volkan to return to Istanbul and rethink his plan. He left the islands with instructions to his contacts there to continue the search and report to him any findings. The search for the phone records didn’t produce any answers either. Since it was a disconnected number, the findings couldn’t be released. It seemed to be one dead end after another.

Back in Istanbul, Volkan called on some of his associates to help in the search. He supplied them with all the facts and gave them a picture. They would start looking in more of the tourist areas in the outskirts of Turkey. She could have been thinking of a more populated area where she could blend in. Volkan also contacted the airline to search their records to see if she had purchased a ticket about the time she resigned. It was a long shot but maybe they could help.

Can was at a loss as what to do next and in spite of the fact his sister-in-law was withholding her location from him, he confided in her all his feelings and regrets in hopes she would tell Sanem. He pleaded with her to tell him where she had gone so he could make things right with her but she held tight to her loyalty to her sister. She had deceived her once a long time ago and swore she would never do it again.

Another month gone and still no word on her. Emre had begun to really worry about his brother. He was becoming withdrawn and quiet, hardly coming to the office at all to work. It was hard to watch and he even noticed Leyla looking at Can with concern and worry.

Chapter 15 

She was listening to her favorite music and reliving the day. Thinking about what Luca had told her about and hating herself for changing her number. Her stomach was already gnawing at the thought of not seeing his text and hearing his thoughts.

The knock startled her back to reality. She opened the door to let Luca in and along with him came the cold wind. She squealed, “Oh! it has really gotten cold out there, get in here!” He welcomed the warm house; he hadn’t realized the temperature when he left his place and didn’t grab his scarf. “Do you want coffee or wine? Your choice.” she asked. “I’ll take coffee,” he said, “if it’s not too much trouble.”

He got comfortable on the couch with his coffee and she made herself another cup of tea. He asked her if she had thought any more about what they had talked about earlier. She had to open up and talk about it to someone and he was willing to listen and something told her he wouldn’t judge her.

After about two hours of pouring out all of her heart and soul to him she sat in silence waiting for him to speak. He finally and calmly asked, “Is that the whole story? You mean he gave up on you and your relationship because you tried to help him. That man needs a good reality check. I get why you did what you did, but why didn’t he?” She explained that Can has very rigid beliefs and there’s no acceptance of deception.

He asked if that was what she was trying to forgive herself for all the months. She nodded slowly and dropped her head. Luca softly whispered, “Sanem, in my opinion you have nothing to be ashamed of. What you did wasn’t malicious, what you did was out of love. He’s the one with the problem and at the number of calls and texts that I have seen come on your phone, I think he knows that now.” Luca wanted to tell her how bad Can was for treating her that way and she didn’t need someone like that in her life but he didn’t want to play on her vulnerability. He wanted for her to forgive herself so she could allow herself to let him go. She had to let Can go before she could let him in. He would wait and be there for her when she needed him but he had to be sure she was completely over him before he could allow himself to love.

The release date was a week away and she was very nervous. The publicity of the upcoming book was staggering. Her publisher had done a fantastic job in advertising the latest novel that was projected to be a bestseller in record time. The launch was set for January 8th and her first signing was on January 9th in Milan, Italy. All the details had been emailed to her and her plane ticket was delivered. She would arrive in Milan on the Friday the 8th in time for the release.

The only time she had traveled outside of Turkey or alone was her move to Greece. She so wished someone could come with her but knew this had to be done on her own. Ahmet would meet her at the airport and take her to her hotel so she wasn’t actually going to be alone.

Iris insisted that she bring her a copy of the first print for her personal enjoyment. She wished her luck and gave her a kiss on both cheeks sending her out the door with Luca. He took her to the airport to catch her flight and how he regretted not being able to go with her. This was part of her forgiveness process, making herself be strong and independent. To abandon the feeling of not being good enough that had sank down into her core would have to be done by her. If she could unlock that feeling and set it out, maybe her feelings for him would also be set free.

She knew that Leyla nor her parents were able to attend the launch or book signing but she would send an invitation to them just for a keepsake. She sent Leyla’s to the agency not knowing if Can was still living in their house or not, the chance of him seeing it was less. She asked for three first run editions to be held back for her parents, Leyla, and her best friend Ayhan, and for them to be delivered. This part of her dream was coming true and she was overjoyed but her dark side of the moon still remained deep inside. This fairy tale ending was not to be as most for she was the bad character in this fairy tale, not the one that hated the lies but the one that lied.

Ahmet greeted her at the airport excited to see her and to get everything rolling. The hype was unbelievable and a little scary. She didn’t know what she expected but this wasn’t it. The two major book stores in Milan were fully stocked with the book but by mid-afternoon the supply was running low.

Mondadori Multicenter Book store was perhaps the most unusual, it had a little of everything you could ever want. It was beautiful and so very authentic.

Rizzolis Book Store was large and exquisite. The book signing was planned there to be able to accommodate the crowd. It was located in the center of the city with lots of shops and restaurants around.

Both had the charm and tradition of all that was Italy. She could not have been happier, except if this was a year earlier and Can was by her side. It was always there inside her like a knot; who or what could help her untie that knot and let her breathe.

The line was out the door and down the street. It seemed to be from a dream and everything was beautiful. Mostly women from 25 to 70 in age, crowded in to get a signature and some taking a picture with the author. She was overwhelmed at the kindness of everyone and their love of the story she had written.

Ahmet could not have been happier at the turn out and the sellout of the book. The next day was the roll out to all the other markets. The reviews were out and they sales had topped the projections. It was a hit.

On Sunday the publishing house hosted a brunch in her honor. Many authors and publishers were in attendance. She was quite nervous and felt out of her element. Everyone was very kind and praised the book saying it going to be the book of the year. The reporters for the entertainment section of the newspaper had an interview scheduled for noon and then she had a flight at 2:00 pm. The interview was short and not in much detail, she was glad and hoped that it would stay local.

Ahmet dropped her at the airport with time to spare. He was filling her in on the next engagement which would be in Thessaloniki, Greece in two weeks. This city was the cultural capital of Greece, very vibrant and picturesque. She had heard a lot about the city and couldn’t wait to visit.

They said their goodbyes and she sat to wait for her flight. It had been an exciting few days, but she welcomed the thought of home. She was slowly beginning to think of Chania as her home, and it felt good.

She rang Leyla as she was waiting for the flight. “Abla how are you?” Leyla shouted. “How did it all go? Were there a lot of people? Did you sell a lot of books?” Sanem laughed and said, “Whoa! Give me time to answer. One question at a time! But oh yes, it was great!”

Leyla squealed, “It looks like it was a sellout and the next launch went out today for the rest of the region. I’m so proud of you,” said Leyla. “I just wish I could tell everyone here your good news.” Sanem wanted to share the news with her friends but knew it wouldn’t be a good thing to do. “Are you at the agency Leyla?” Sanem asked. Leyla confirmed that she was at work. She begged “Please be careful and don’t let Can know you’re talking to me.” After a long silence Leyla informed her that Can hadn’t be to the office in a few weeks. Sanem was shocked and asked why.

“We’re not sure but all his time is spent at home or meeting with Mr. Volkan for updates on the search for you. He had completely walked away from his job. Sanem, he’s really in a bad way and Emre is very worried about him and I am to.” Leyla said, worried. “I would have never guessed that he would be in this shape. He’s really devastated. I know what happened between you was hard on you and he was unfair to you but this man is going through hell right now. Maybe if you would just let him know you were okay and he could hear your voice it might help.”

Sanem felt like her world was falling around her and all she could think of was Can. Leyla told her it looked like he was in a self-destruct mode. “Should I call him? Maybe you should call me back when you get home and I can talk to him. I just want to let him know I’m okay and he doesn’t have to worry about me.”

“It just might help”, Leyla said “and I knew the Emre would be thankful.”

“I don’t think I can promise anything other than that right now. As bad as I want to come home and help him, it’s not time yet. I have to get myself in a stronger and better place of mind before that happens and Can needs to change his outlook on life and not be so controlling.”

They agreed for Leyla to go home and talk to Can then call her when she arrived back home. Sanem hoped it was not a mistake but all she wanted to do was help him. After all, she still loved him. 

Chapter 16

Leyla found Can in his usual spot outside by the pool. Though cold and cloudy he stayed out there most of the time. He told them he could just breathe better there. She decided to try and find out what was going on in his mind, that is if he would open up to her. She drilled him on why he had left his work and lost all interest of his self.

His eyes that had once held such power and strength were all but glazed and empty. Leyla hadn’t really looked at him in a while and she was shocked. What has happened to him? He had lost weight and his appearance was not of importance to him at all. This is more serious than I had anticipated, no wonder Emre has been so worried. Leyla had let her feelings of what he did to her sister over take her sense of compassion for her brother-in-law.

He mumbled excuse after excuse as to why he left the agency, none of wish made sense to her. She asked him when he had eaten last, he told her he really didn’t remember, but he wasn’t hungry. She insisted he go take a shower and she would fix him some dinner. As like in a daze without any thought he got up to follow her instructions. She took the time to call Sanem and tell her the situation they had there. “He’s in a bad way sis,” Leyla explained to her. “I’ve never seen him like this before; in fact, I’ve never seen anyone like this before.” Sanem had such an urge to catch the next plane to Istanbul, but she knew that would be too easy. They decided for Leyla to call her back after Can had showered and had some food and she would talk to him.

Leyla prepared a salad for him, just something lite not knowing how long it had been since he had eaten. He poured himself a whiskey but she fixed him a tea and took away the drink, he gave her a look of disapproval but didn’t protest.

As he picked through his salad in an uninterested display for the food, Leyla declared it was time. She would make the move before one of them ended up in serious trouble. She dialed Sanem. He had retreated back to the patio in the cold dampness of night.

Leyla walked out to the patio, phone in hand. “Can,” she barked, “I have had enough.”

He gave her a look of dismissal and turned away. Her tone brought back a memory of the day she brought the partnership papers to his office. She shoved her phone in front of him and said, “Now take this and talk but more than that listen!”

The glare from him almost made her weak but she stood strong, “Here, take the phone now.”

He reached for the phone and said, “Yes?”

A familiar voice was on the other end, “Hello? Can? Can, are you there?”

“Sanem? Sanem, my god!” he breathed.

“Yes Can it’s me,” she said, barely a whisper.

“Sanem. Sanem?”

Trying to control herself, she calmly told him she was fine and for him not to worry about her. He slumped over with elbows on his knees shaking uncontrollably, “Sanem where are you? Tell me now.” Leyla watched from the door in utter disbelief at how such a strong and determined man had been brought to such destruction from love. She watched him sob without shame or embarrassment. “I’m coming to you, just tell me where you are. I have to see you, touch you.” It was a sputtering of such she hardly understood him.

“Can!” she blurted, “Stop! Please listen to me. You can’t come here, not now.”

“Of course I can”, he said, “just tell me. Please, Sanem!”

“I just want you to get yourself together!” she cried. “You have to start taking care of yourself, I’m fine so you don’t have to worry! Okay?”

“Sanem,” he pleaded, “there is no me without you. There never has been and there never will be. I have to be with you.”

“Can, I have to go now,” she said with her heart was at its breaking point. She felt that she would pass out. “Please take hold of yourself and I will call again tomorrow,” she gasped. He begged for her not to hang up, but she was gone. He dropped the phone and with his head in his hands he cried unmercifully. Leyla turned away sobbing herself and what she had just watched. After a few minutes she went out to get her phone and Can, trying to compose himself, stood and walked out into the yard.

Emre had come home seeing that Leyla was upset and asked what had happened. She explained everything to him and he rushed out to check on his brother.

Can refused to acknowledge Emre and seemed to be unable to speak. He sat on the lawn in the same spot the Sanem had sat what seemed like a decade ago to confess her love for him. His mind was flooded with memories and all the despair of how it went wrong. It was well into the night and Emre pleaded with him to come inside to get warm but it met with no response. He finally took a blanket out to wrap around him and went to bed.

Leyla had called Sanem back to make sure she was okay.

“Abla, he sounds terrible.” she noted. Sanem told her she would call him again tomorrow and try to get through to him. “Sanem, he’s sitting on the lawn with his head between his knees crying. He has been for hours and refuses to come in.”

Seemingly unfazed, Sanem replied, “Sister I will call in the morning, make sure to watch after him.”

He had finally slept for a couple of hours but not a good sleep. He had moved back to the patio but still wasn’t talking. She told Emre they should stay home with him so he called Deren and told her to move his meetings. They watched and waited for Sanem to call back, which she did about 11:00. He jumped at the ringing for Leyla’s phone hoping it was her. Leyla talked a minute with her and then went towards the patio. Can grabbed the phone and shouted, “Sanem is it you?” She tried calmly to talk to him and reassure him everything was fine. She asked him if he was eating and he told her just couldn’t.” You have to,” she said, “Leyla says you have lost weight and that’s not good.”

He begged her to come home so he could fix everything or let him come to her. She didn’t hesitate and said, “Can, fix yourself first and then we’ll talk and I’m quite serious about that. I will call again tomorrow but you have to fix it Can.”

For the first time in weeks he went in the kitchen and prepared something to eat, showered, and got dressed. He talked to Emre and Leyla and apologized for dumping all his work on them and told them to give him a couple of days and he would be back to work. “I have to fix myself”, he said, “she is calling again tomorrow and I’m hoping I get a chance to make it work, but first I have to get back to me.”

For the next several days Can grew stronger and was getting back to his old self. Sanem called every day and the conversations lasted longer and longer each day. Leyla could tell the difference in Sanem also with each of their phone calls.

Chapter 17 

Being able to talk to Can and start to pick up the pieces of their heart, she felt lighter and more in control of her destiny. He conveyed all of his imperfections to her and assured her he had changed. He had put their relationship and her first and foremost in his life and believed and trusted her fully. His life was truly not possible without her.

Luca knew the changes he could see in her were brought on by Can. All the phone calls and text no longer remained unanswered. Her eyes took on a glow of happiness and strength. He hoped that this guy really understood what he had and could learn from his mistakes. In his final realization he thought, I never had a chance anyway.

The preparation for the book signing in Thessaloniki had been done and all details sent to her along with her plane ticket. She had a VIP invitation sent to Can along with her itinerary for the three day stay. They had talked every day and she was excited about the future. He was back to his old self and sounded very optimistic. Having him there with her at the book signing would be there new beginning, their fresh start.

She called him at the regular time that evening and he answered with excitement in his voice. “Can how are you?” she asked. He replied, “Never better now that you’ve called. I’ve really missed you even though it only been a day,” he laughed. She told him that a letter would come for him tomorrow, to be watching for it and she hoped he could make it. He assured her if it had anything to do with her, he would be there. Thoughts of seeing her again were mind consuming and his heart was full of hope.

The envelope arrived on Wednesday the 20th. With excitement he opened the envelope, an invitation to her book signing, he had no idea but beyond happy for her. She sent a detailed description of the events and parties planned. He had to get it to together fast to arrive in plenty of time. He booked his flight for early morning on the 22nd to make it to her hotel for her arrival. He got a room in her hotel as close to her room as possible. Her call was right on time again and she asked if he received the letter. “Got it and everything is already booked and I’m ready to come. Why didn’t you tell me your book got published?” he asked.

“It was a surprise silly! Were you surprised?” she asked.

“Proud, yes, surprised, no, I always knew you would be famous, bebek.”

“I’m so glad you’re coming; it’s going to make it real and so much better.” Sanem let him see the excitement she had been feeling.

The book signing was to be held in Le Livre Ouvert Bookstore in the center of town on Friday, January 22nd. There was a after party to be held on the 23rd for authors and publishers and then flying home of Sunday the 24th. She was nervous but not for the book signing. The thought of seeing Can was foremost in her mind.

Sanem had left a message for Can to meet her at the bookstore at 2:00 pm. She hoped it would be better that way, a little less awkward. Ahmet picked her up from the airport and they went straight to the bookstore. Arriving there at 1:30 with a line already forming outside the door, Sanem tried to contain herself. With Can’s VIP invitation he would be able get in ahead of the crowd. As she scoured the people outside the door for him, she was more and more nervous.

Can arrived and all the anticipation of seeing her flooded his body. What a mass of people, he thought, as he was let in the door straight away and he searched the room for her. She had been visiting with one of the employees of the bookstore when she felt his eyes move over her. She turned and looked across the room to see him in such prominence and stature that it took her breath for a minute.

The sight of her filled him so there was no room for anything else. He needed her touch to be whole again. He seemed frozen or suspended in air at that moment and unable to move. She looked more than beautiful; she was radiant. She moved towards him and reached for his hand, without any form of control of his body, instinctively he reached out his hand for hers. They molded together in their warmth and in their eyes, their souls conjoined.

They were home.

His arms encircled her body and their lips touched softly but with meaning and longing. Knowing the event would be starting soon they quickly regained their composure.

“Can, I’m so glad you got here, I have missed you so.” she breathed.

“Sanem I would not have missed it for the world. I’m so sorry for all that has happened. You’re the reason I have my life now. I can’t bear to lose you again.”

She assured him they could resolve everything later, but the book signing was about the start. He took his place behind her chair at the table and watched her receive all of her fans and laughed while signing and taking pictures. He was so proud of her it was overwhelming. She was stronger and more confident than ever before.

Hours later, they finally returned to the hotel. Sanem was exhausted and hungry. They opted for room service and some comfy clothes.

Can was in a state of disbelief and hopefulness. He had found her and was never letting her go. He was babbling and unable to form a plausible sentence. She felt a desire to rescue him and bring him to his senses.

“Can, please calm down,” she pleaded, “We’re going to talk about everything but let’s just take our time.”

He told her how hard he had tried to find her, the helplessness he felt. “I honestly thought I would lose my mind,” he sighed, “I needed you so much and still do.”

“You don’t know how much you hurt me that day, telling me that I broke our connection,” she cried. “My intentions had not been for that, but to fix a wrong I had created.” Tears were forming in her eyes and as hard as she tried for it not to happen, it did. “It was as if my love for you and the want to be your other half had meant nothing to you, it was all about the smell, that scent that would not be without my body chemistry. The smell that was unique to each that wore it and could not be duplicated,” she sobbed. He so hated to see her cry but it seemed to be their form of communication and it wore at his soul. He reached to wipe the tears and she pulled away and wiped the tears herself. “Can, I have been taking care of the tears myself over the past eight months, I can also handle these.” she said. He looked in her eyes and saw the determination and strength of her and the fear of that settled in his heart. Oh my god… She’s not going to come home with me.

As he covered his face with his hands, the feeling of dread could not have been greater. “I am so sorry Sanem,” he whispered, “please allow me to fix this. I have changed and understand all that you did. This was my mistake in not hearing you and forgiving you and it will not happen again. You have to believe me that I cannot be without you. You’re my very breath and the beating of my heart!” he cried.

When he did finally look at her again, she quietly asked, “What about the next time I mess up and do something that might faulter your judgement in me, for I am nothing more than human after all. Am I to go through the same hurt and distrust as now. If so, I would surely not survive that again. The strength of trust between us needs to be of the highest for us to regain our life together.”

Can was adamant in his trust of her and promised to spend the rest of his life showing her just that. He loved her no matter what. Eyes that looked like pieces of burning coal, full of regret and yet brimming with love bore into her heart and wrapped up all the broken parts together. It would take some time but she knew she could only travel that path and only remain with his heart if she also was to breathe.

The next day, she caught her flight to Chania and Can took the next flight out an hour later. He was to meet at her house when he arrived and help her gather her things. She had to handle a couple of things before he arrived, mainly Luca. The taxi pulled up in front of her house and the driver helped with the luggage. She went in and looked around and remembered the first day she arrived there, with all the sadness and memories so fresh in her heart and now with the determination and hope of them. She had forgiven herself and released the guilt that had brewed inside her all those months.

Not bothering to unpack, she walked to the bookstore to see Iris. She hated the fact of leaving her job and most of all her friend. She hoped Iris would understand as she explained everything to her and begged her forgiveness for running out on her. Iris hugged her and wished her the very best and told her she always had a home there and a job. Can had texted her and told her he was about land and asked for her address. As she made her way back to the cottage Luca took his blanket from the deck and walked down the beach to her cottage. She saw him sitting there as she had many times before. She knew she had to talk before Can got there so she grabbed her shawl and started to the beach. Luca saw her come home in the taxi beforehand and immediately go to the bookstore. It really didn’t take a smart man to figure things out from there. Sanem slowly came up to sit down next to him. “Hello, how did things go? he said. “Was the signing a success?” Studying his face without him looking at her, she told him all had gone well. He then asked, “When are you leaving for Istanbul?”

“Luca,” she said, “please understand you are very special to me and I would not have survived these last months without you. It’s just the fact that Can is my being and all that makes me whole, do you understand?”

“More than you know Sanem,” he said turning to search her face for hope. But what he saw was someone he had never seen before; she was at peace with a look of such love in her eyes he was in awe of it. There was no more sadness or loneliness visible for him to protect her from.

“Please don’t close yourself off from the possibility of happiness,” she pleaded to him. “It will come, you just have to be ready.”

“I’m happy for you, I feel this is right for you. All seems to be in alignment. The light side of the moon is shining bright today.” He surrounded her with his arms and his blanket and held her tight for a while.

Can had arrived by taxi and knocked on the door, not getting a response he went to the back. Seeing them on the beach, he watched as they talked. That similar feeling of loss surrounded him and shook him to his core. This is not supposed to happen, he thought, who is he and why are they hugging? Keep a cool head Divit, or you will lose it all. Trust is the main factor now.

They stood and started to walk towards the cottage, she saw Can and waved. She ran to the deck and encircled his neck with her arms. “Oh I’m so glad you’re here, I want you to meet someone. Can, this is Luca. He is my neighbor and friend. Luca, this is Can, my beloved.”

They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries, with Can being a little put off with it all. Sanem stepped inside to start packing the rest of her belongings. Luca took this opportunity to talk to Can.

“I know I don’t know you but I do know Sanem and have come to value her as a friend and a person, so I hope that you have all of your little insecurities in check and are committed to her,” Luca said.

Can asked as politely as he could what his relationship was with her and what he wanted from her. Luca replied calmly their relationship was exactly what Sanem wanted it to be, no more no less. She needed someone to listen, to support and to help her forgive herself for what she thought she did to you. “It was always about you, don’t ever doubt that.” Luca told Can.

“Believe me, if I thought for a minute I had a chance, this could have been a whole different conversation. Did you let her explain the situation with the perfume?” he asked. “Did you understand and forgive her for that? Such a meaningless subject to cause such heartbreak.”

Can knew this man had been dangerously close to snatching away his very existence and his whole being. Can assured him that all that was in the past would never happen again, his love for Sanem would not waver.

“Be thankful that you have this second chance with her, I would give my life for the same.” Can not knowing the meaning of that was ready to whisk Sanem away as soon as possible. They called a taxi and loaded in the luggage. It was strange the attachment she had formed with this little cottage. It was her place of empowerment and the home of her rebirth. Luca watched her slide in the taxi next to him and turn to him with the brightest smile and wave. It was probably best that she had never gotten around to giving him her new number, some things are just not meant to be.

Can and Sanem with their fingers entwined and their hearts as one again head for the airport.

WE ARE GOING HOME 

One thought on “If Only… I Could Forgive Myself”

  1. I lost count of how many times I have read this story but no matter, the tears are flowing just like they did with the first reading. Thank you Miss Virginia for all the love you put into your stories. It’s now on to the next installment.♥️

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