On His Journey To Forget

by grannydew, posted in The Phoenix and the Albatross Series

Introduction

His life had taken yet another turn, but this one was one he would never get over. The loss of his mother at a young age was one thing, but this, the hurt from it was almost more than he could bear. Sanem had chosen Yigit over him, she didn’t believe him.

He had felt this deep down inside him months before, that Yigit was trying to drive a wedge between them. No, he hadn’t handle it right, he was jealous, he wanted to control her, but he saw something she didn’t, he saw the evilness of Yigit, the manipulative side of him that Sanem had turned a blind eye to. He didn’t burn her notebook…….how could he do something that hurtful to her, but her eyes told him she didn’t believe him..

This story will tell us of all the hurt, the unwillingness to live, the defeated and useless feeling that Can felt after the confrontation at the hospital. 

Where did he go…..what did he do, these are all questions that needed to be answered. 

Can Divit, a man of few words, but with a heart that had been opened to a love of a lifetime, only to be once again be forced to run away from his feelings. Forced to face the fear of the person that he loved pushing him away…

~When the body is beaten and the heart broken, it’s the spirit that keeps the soul alive….when the soul believes it’s already dead~

Chapter 1

He was hearing her words, but he couldnt believe them. She was blaming him for burning her notebook, the book that meant more to her than anything. How could she think he would do that. No, he hadn’t read the book, not one word, but it didn’t matter, he was going to let her publish it….why, because he trusted her, he wanted her to succeed. Not for Yigit, but for Sanem, he wanted her book to be published, she deserved it. But now Yigit was lying in a hospital bed, paralyzed, and it was caused by his own hands.

His mother had taken on the role of Yigit’s caretaker, his protector, and that bothered him. But most of all the fact that no one would listen to him, it was an accident, he had just pushed him, maybe a bit to forcefully, but still it was an accident. He searched the face of everyone for some sort of understanding, but there was none, all he saw was the look of accusations. The last thing he wanted was to harm Sanem, but the look in her eyes told him he had done just that. ” Can, how could you, what reason did you have to burn my notebook, just a simple no from you and I wouldn’t have published it.” She stood in front of him, her eyes full of tears and hurt. Can swallowed hard and rubbed his face with his hands, ” Sanem, I didn’t burn  your book, I couldn’t ever do anything like that to you, i know how much that notebook means to you.” Yigit is lying to you.” He reached for her hand, but she pulled away. The look from her eyes cut him deep, down to the soul, the hurt from it made him physically sick.

The words that came next, came in defense of his actions, ” Sanem if you really belief I burned your book, then I shouldn’t be here any more, if you think that of me then I should leave.” She was silent, not offering any kind of objection, as he stared into her eyes. ” Fine, I can hear you, if that’s what you believe,….then, goodbye” ….He turned quickly and walked away, wanting so badly to look back, to see her standing there or maybe see her running after him, but he kept his eyes straight ahead, his heart breaking. 

Sanem watched him as he turned the corner in the hallway, she was frozen, why wouldn’t her legs move. She wanted to call after him to stop, don’t go, but her voice was gone. This was the nightmare that she had always been afraid of from the very beginning, the vision of him walking away. She didn’t remember much after that, just the intense hurt and emptiness, but her guilt over what had happened to Yigit somehow overshadowed her feelings. It was only a matter of a few minutes before she realized the mistake she had made. She grabbed her phone, as Ms.Huma and Leila both pleaded with her to let him cool off before calling him, but she knew she would never forgive herself if she didn’t call him immediately. She listened to the recording, “This caller is not available at this time.” Her heart was heavy and seemed to be busting from her chest as she tried over and over again to reach him. 

Can had made it to his house with his mind in a fog, where would he go, he thought. He poured a whiskey, and down it quickly, letting it burn his throat and stomach as it went down. He wanted another one, but he knew it would lead to more than he needed, and he had to drive. He grabbed what clothes and personal things he thought he might need, turned off his phone and threw it in the bottom of his bag, throwing his clothes on top of it. He didn’t plan on calling anyone, he didn’t want to hear anyone’s voice, the conversation with Sanem was shouting loudly over and over in his head, and  that was enough. He seemed to be programmed, his body just doing what it needed to do, as he tossed his bag in the back of his truck. He climbed in not knowing what he would do next, but he just knew he had to leave.

His truck must have been on auto pilot because he didn’t remember the drive at all. He made his way along the coast from Istanbul, his body numb and unfeeling. This was something that was in his nature, to run, to walk away without a word, but this time it didn’t feel right, this time he hurt beyond belief. He couldn’t stop the tears as they rolled down his face, as he drove further and further away from the only happiness he had ever known. He was on the road for hours, still in a haze, before he arrived at the pier in Canakkale. He really never realized where he was going until then, but there he was in  front of his old friends house. It was early, the sun had yet to make it’s appearance, so he would have to wait for a while to knock on the door. He leaned back in his truck, closed his eyes to rest them for a bit, but the image of Sanem blinded him, making him jump up. He stared out across the pier, past all the boats that were anchored there, to the massive view of the sea. The moon was still shining on the water, illuminating a path out across it. That’s where he wanted to go, out there into the darkness of the sea, alone, he had to be alone. He would let that place be his home, he could sail forever and maybe he would never come back. 

The sun was just lighting the sky with an orange glow, when the door opened. Lutfu stuck his head out, ” Hey, Can is that you. Come in and have some coffee. The man had been like a father to him at one point, he spent many months there, with the older man teaching him all he knew about sailing. He had instilled that wandering trait into Can years before he had taken on his photography career. They would sail out into the Aegean Sea, drift around for weeks at a time, letting their hearts and mind be free. He envied his friend, he seemed to be so at peace with who he was and the life he chose. 

They sat at the table together, as they had done so many times before, but this time Can was older, and life had taken its toll on his heart. His friend smiled, ” Son, what brings you all the way out here, I can tell it’s not a social call. You need to get lost from yourself, am I right.” He asked, squinting his eyes at him. Can  couldn’t look him in the eyes, but he nodded, ” Yes, I have to leave, I need to go as far away from Turkey as I can get, and I may never be back. I want to buy that black rig you have.” His voice sounding strained and stiff. Lutfu knew how much Can had suffered in the past, and he never questioned his intent so he wasn’t about to start now. ” Ok, how much money do you have.” He asked, knowing Can would insist on paying. They agreed an a fair price, because that’s what Can expected, and they went about stocking the boat with the supplies he would need.

It was late in the morning by the time he was ready to set sail….his heart still in pain, so much so he couldn’t explain to his friend why he was leaving. But Lutfu never expected an explanation. He tossed his bag on board the boat, while Lutfu untied him from the pier.

He watched him glide through the water and out of the pier, quietly and with a sadness he hadn’t seen in him before.

Can didn’t look back, just looked ahead, followed the direction of the wind, hoping it would take him to a place that would ease his pain……

Chapter 2

By the morning Sanem had called more than a hundred times, with his phone still giving her the same message, ” unavailable.” She was losing her mind, the fear of something happening to him was more than what she wanted to imagine. She was sorry, she should have never let him walk away, but how could she have known he would really leave her. With the guilt and the sick, empty, defeated feeling of Cans leaving, her mind was slowly shutting down. Huma had blamed her for the injuries to Yigit and the disappearance of her son, making the devastating transition of Sanem from sadness to unbalanced within a matter of a couple of days. Her parents were scared and had no other choice than to take her to the doctor. She had all but cut off any type of communication with them, just the hysterical fits of crying and fighting against them was all that remained. The doctors recommended the clinic, they assured her parents it would just be for a while. She would need around the clock care and medication to bring her out of this depth of hurt and pain. She had lost her sense of reality….

Can had sailed for hours, letting the wind take him. His mind was still full of her face, her eyes that were full of tears, her words that screamed in his head. It was exceptionally dark, with the clouds covering the stars, that first night on the open sea. He couldn’t see anything around him, but he could feel her, as the events that led him here begin to become reality. He had felt the rage and pain inside him boiling, and the only thing he could think of to do was yell. Force it out, expell it as loudly as he could. And so he did…..yelling uncontrollably until his voice was hoarse, and his throat ached, but nothing ached as much as his heart. At some point he collapsed out of complete exhaustion , and crumbled into a heap on the bow of the boat. This love hurt more than anything he had experienced in his life, and his mind began to doubt his own sanity. 

He was in and out of sleep that first night, not really knowing where he was or what he was doing. As the sun shed that first glimmer of light across the water, he reached for the bottle of whiskey that Lutfu had stashed away when he thought he wasn’t looking. He grabbed a glass a sat down on the deck behind the wheel. His body numb, he welcomed the burning liquid as he downed the first shot. It was  the only feeling he had other than the tight stabbing pain in his heart. It even hurt to breath, as he leaned back against the railing of the deck, watching the clouds as they moved quickly across the sky. The only thoughts of reality he had was, ” it looks like there maybe a storm coming soon” but those words didn’t seem to concern him. He didn’t care, normally he would be preparing for it, looking at the coordinates, checking the map, but right now he was hoping for something to end it all, make him forget this pain, clear his head of the sight of her. There was really no reason to be alive if she didn’t believe him or trust him…….or  want him.

The wind was steadily growing stronger, and the sky was turning that blue grey that always brought on the rain and wind. It was only midday, but it resembled the look of evening, as the clouds around him churned and swirled. The waves had turned that foamy white, as they grew bigger, clashing against the side of the boat. He tried to steady the wheel as the wind took on that swirling effect, it was just an instinct to fight the waves, maneuver the big boat through the rise and fall of the sea. If he made it through this it would be his first test of survival, not of the sea but of his heart. He had to prove if his heart wanted to fight, if his soul wanted to live, if his body wanted to move forward if she wasn’t in his life. These were the questions that shot through his mind as he battled the elements. The storm was loud, with the wind whipping the sails about, but the words she said to him still filled his head, drowning  out the noise of the sea. He didn’t know how long the fought the wind and rain, but his arms were tired, and he was soaked to the bone, and still alive….

The storm had moved on to the north of him, and the clouds uncovered the moon, just a half moon, but it still shimmered on the water making it look like glass. The stars shined brighter because of the passing storm, they always did, as if the storm had washed them all off, leaving them shiny and bright. He changed out of his wet clothes, and poured another shot of whiskey. He was cold from the rain and wind, or from the sadness in his heart, either way he intended to cure it with whiskey. With the lack of food in his body, the effects of the booze was quick to make its appearance, but still nothing killed the pain that had surrounded his heart. He laid back on the bow of the boat, letting the gentle wind carry him across the water, it was slow but he had nothing but time, and no where to be..

He let his mind think of her, relive the time at the photo shoot, when she wanted to be alone, but he followed her to the beach. He had watched her as she walked out into the water, his heart had pounded so hard he thought he would pass out, just the sight of her as she rose up out of the water, took his breath away. He couldn’t resist going to her, touching her wet skin. He closed his eyes, the pain so bad he couldn’t swallow down that lump in his throat. But he continued, remembering the good and the bad times. For hours he stared at the stars, then he found himself searching for Orion. She had told him the story of Orion that night, a night he would never forget, a night that made him the happiest he had ever been in his life, the night he knew she was the reason he had stayed in Istanbul….

He had wasted so much time in his life with traveling, searching the world for the best photographs, and all the years he spent with Polen. Trying to find his heart in every possible place, but little did he know the one place he ran from, was the place he was suppose to be,…..Istanbul. If he had came back earlier, stayed when his Dad had begged him to stay before, would he have found her sooner. He truly believed she was his fate, his destiny, the person that he was made for, but the timing was wrong. If Yigit hadn’t hit her with his car, she would never had met him, and he wouldn’t have lured her away from him with the enticement of publishing her book. But if he hadn’t told her he was leaving with Polen, she wouldn’t have resigned from the agency and Yigit wouldn’t have hit her with his car…All of it came back to him, his inability to forgive….

The tears where falling, but he didn’t care, the feeling of failing had never been one he liked….

And he had failed…he failed himself and he failed Sanem. 

Maybe she was right, he would always run away from his problems….but he couldn’t run away from his broken heart……..

Chapter 3

His head was pounding, and his body ached, as he tried to sit up. The sun hadn’t made itself visible yet, so he knew it was to early to get up. The night had been a rough one, with the demons running through his head. In his drunken nightmare, he had seen her notebook in the fire, and trying as hard as he could, he couldn’t reach it. He saw Yigit, hovering over him, yelling at him, telling him he didn’t love Sanem, if he did, he wouldn’t have burned her book. The fire grew bigger and bigger, the flames lashed out at him, and then the look on her face as he stood over an unconscious Yigit laying on the ground. He remembered pushing him, but he didn’t think he pushed him that hard. His mind kept searching for an answer, ” Damn him, damn him, I know he threw her notebook in the fire, but there’s no way to prove it.” He yelled as loud as he could. He tried to stand but his legs had become like jelly, and his head was swimming from the whiskey. He steady himself with the wheel and closed his eyes….

As he tried to gather his thoughts, the words from his Mom still rang in his ears, ” The doctor’s think he will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life” ….he was reeling, he hung his head over the side of the boat and heaved what was left on his stomach out into the sea. It didn’t make him feel better, just more empty. He steadied himself by holding on the side of the boat, as the boat rose and fell with the waves, not helping his stomach any at all. What had he done, why had he let that man get to him. His head was foggy from the whiskey or from the lack of food, so he went below to the galley to grab something to eat, hoping it would calm his insides down some. Lutfu had stocked him up pretty well, with plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, he even left him a bag of fresh made rolls. He took a roll and a handful of grapes, opting for a bottled water instead of coffee. He really wanted a cup of Sanem’s perfectly brewed tea, but the thought of it made him physically shake inside. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until he took that first bite, but after a few bites, the food was weighing heavy in his gut, so he discarded what was left and finished off the water. 

The sun was just creeping up above the horizon when he positioned himself back at the wheel. The wind was calm now, so the boat as at a slow drift. He listened to the silence, he felt the loneliness that had always been his friend, but now it seemed more like a death sentence. He laid his head over on the wheel of the boat, pleading and begging with his mind to give him the strength to forget her.  He blamed himself for the injures to Yigit, and for Sanem not believing him. He had become a horrible person, jealous, possessive, rude, and most of all untrusting. Who in their right mind would be in love with him with all these flaws. He had never been like this before, not  with anyone, but he had also never been in love before, not like this. She had captured his heart, his soul, his mind. He took a deep breath and slumped back against the side railing of the boat, looking around at his life, that’s what this seemed like anyway. He wondered what she was doing, was she still at the hospital with Yigit. Had she tried to call him, he sat up quickly, his phone…where was it. Oh yes, he had stuffed it in the bottom of his bag. He went below, grabbed his bag and dumped it out on his bunk. The phone was in the very bottom, he picked it up and stared at it, should he call, maybe his Dad or Emre….he hit the button to turn it on but it was dead. He hadn’t brought a charger so he knows the phone was of no use to him now.

His heart sank, was he relieved the phone was dead, or upset that the only connection to Sanem had now been cut. He stood with the phone in his hands, his heart willing it to come on, but it remained black. He turned to leave the cabin and return back to the deck, when the corner of her scarf caught his eye. He just had to stare at it for a minute, had he grabbed that from his house, he didn’t even remember putting it in the bag, but he guessed he had since it was staring right back at him. The blood was rushing through his body and his heart was beating hard, but he gently moved the other articles of clothing that were lying on top, revealing her scarf. He turned quickly and climbed the ladder to the deck, his eyes so full of tears he couldn’t see. He sat down on the bench seat, he took a deep breath and expelled it forcefully. With all the hurt running through his mind, the phone was one last thing that could have been a lifeline to “her”…but it was also gone. He quickly tossed the phone over the side of the boat, there, it was gone, there’s nothing to help you now. He stared out across the water, he could see an island In the far distance, so he knew he was close to Greece. 

He sat there for what seemed like hours, drifting and rocking in the boat, not really moving. The scarf seemed to be calling to him, beckoning him back down below. The overwhelming need to touch it had won the battle in his mind. He slowly went down the ladder, he walked to his cabin, before opening the door he closed his eyes, what if he had dreamed it, what if the scarf was nothing more than a mirage. With his hand on the latch, he turned it opening the door. His heart jumped, there it was, it was real, he wasn’t hallucinating,….it was real.  It couldn’t have meant more to him than if this had been Sanem herself, this was the next best thing. His hand was  trembling and his breath was swallow, as he reached down to pick it up from his bunk. The feel of it scared him, it felt like it did the first time he held it in his hands, that night on the rocks when he had found it. This was as much Sanem as anything, it was her possession, she had worn it on her body, held it in her hands……it was her. 

This had shocked his mind, the discovery of this scarf, and the fact he didn’t remember packing it. But he was sure glad he did….now he wasn’t alone, it was with him……she was with him. If there was anything in this world that he could lose, this scarf was not it. His job, his money, his name, any of that could be lost…..but not this scarf. Right now this was his reason to breath, the reason for his life to go on. He made his way back to the deck, in need of some fresh air. His mind reeling, reliving all the times he had relied on this scarf to keep her close to him. This time was no different…He needed it, his life depended on it.

On instinct, he wrapped the scarf around his hand….and slowly lifted it to his nose, drawing in the fragrance that still lingered in it.

The tears slid down his face, “Her smell, it still has her smell….this would keep him alive.

Chapter 4

~Sanem~

Nihat and Mevkibe kept a vigil over their daughter for the first few days. She was in and out of consciousness, and the presence of the medication helped her stay calm. Up until then, her fits of pain and disbelief that Can was gone, were more than her parents could stand. The doctors felt she would need to be sedated on more of a regular basis, then she would need therapy and counseling to help her come back to herself. What they had witnessed with their daughter was enough to break their hearts. Seeing this beautiful and vibrant girl be diminished to a shell of a person made their feelings for Can turn to despise.  They hadn’t gotten the full story of what had happened, but nothing should have made him hurt Sanem the way he did. 

The condition of Yigit which had been fabricated by Huma, was played out like an Oscar winning performance, by both Yigit and Huma. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do to keep Sanem away from her son. The arrival of Polen back in Istanbul was also orchestrated by Huma, she would help her convince everyone that Yigit had been a victim of Can and was clinging to life by a thread. And with Sanem herself, on the brink of insanity, she was sure that they would help each other to heal when the time came.. Her only hope was that Can would take this time to forget Sanem and his infatuation with her, and find someone else or, realize that Polen was indeed the only person to make him happy. Only time would prove to them all what a mistake Can had made by falling in love with Sanem, and she would  be rid of this simple,  ridiculous village girl. 

~Can~

With all the hurt inside him, his own form of insanity was evident. He could barely think beyond the minor things, the  skills that he needed to man the boat through the water had been more of an instinct thing.  To make a decision about anything was completely out of the question, except the fact he would have to stop off at one of the islands to refuel before heading out into the open sea. The thought of being around people was hard to comprehend, but it would be necessary, only for supplies, if he was to make it out there. He chose to stop at Kythira, it was the furthest island to the west, in the Greece Islands. It was a small island, with only one port, so he had to stop for fuel and water. He could tell he hadn’t brought along enough clothing, so that’s was something he would have to take care of on his stop also. He saw the lights from the port In the distance, he turned the boat in that direction, all he wanted was to refuel, pickup a couple of rain suits and a jacket, then be on his way,….oh, a couple a bottles of whiskey, he couldn’t forget the whiskey. His head was in a fog as he drifted into the port with the scarf wrapped tightly around hand, like it was his lifeline.

The whole process took longer than he expected, as he searched along the pier for a place to buy the rain suits. His boat was fueled up and he had stocked up with water, he asked the gentleman at the pier for the closest bar. He showed him the way, and Can headed there for the final and most important purchase. The bar was fairly empty for an evening in a port town, so he ask for a drink. He took the glass and quickly downed the shot, almost without thinking about it, then he shoved the glass over and motioned for a refill. The bartender repeated the shot, and Can downed that shot as well. He asked him for two bottles of the best whiskey he had, paid and made his way back to his boat. The booze had taken the edge off of his nerves, but he was ready to get back on his way, ready to look out across the empty water, ready for the silence. 

The next few days were a blur in his head, as he let the wind do most of the work. Pushing him along in the water of the Mediterranean Sea, with nothing to see or do but think. Sanem had taken a permanent place in his mind, and he couldn’t seem to shake her, as hard as he tried, as much as he drank, she was still there. The scarf was something that held him together when he thought he was losing his mind, the smell of it calmed him, the feel of it against his skin made his heart beat fast. She would never leave him, she was in his soul forever. The nights were the worst, if he tried to sleep it always ended in a nightmare of Yigits accident, or the look in Sanem’s eyes when he said goodbye. Would this ever end, would he ever forget her, no……his mind said. 

The weather had been on his side, with nothing more than a little rain over the last few weeks, just to cool things off. He had been gone now for almost 2 months, the best he could remember, but it was hard to keep track of time out her in the middle of nowhere. He lounged out on the front deck of the boat, letting the late afternoon sun warm his body. There wasn’t a reason to put much clothes on, so just his boxers would do, as he let the wind blow his long hair. He stretched out with his arms above his head, listening to the splash of waves against the boat. The rocking of the boat and the warmth of the sun made him sleepy and before he knew it he was in a deep sleep, something he tried to avoid because it always brought in the dreams. They were in Agua, one of the first times they had been together. They were on the bike trails, and she stopped to look at the bride rock. He begged her to tell him the story, so she was explaining to him this love story of a ship captain and a young maiden from the town. He was mesmerized by her, watching her lips as she talked, feeling his heart beat faster and harder. But she had stepped to close to the edge of the cliff, and she started to fall. He grabbed for her, just barely touching her finger tips, as she fell. The feeling was overwhelming, terrifying, as she disappeared from his sight, as he tried desperately to catch her. He yelled her name over and over, with the tears streaming down his face. He jerked, bolting upright from the spot on the deck, his face wet from the tears. He was breathing hard, it seemed so real, he knew it didn’t happen like that, but this was so real.

It took him an hour or so to calm down. The reality of it had been more than he could believe, repeating over in his head, ” It was just a dream, a nightmare, it didn’t really happen.”  He searched for the last bottle of whiskey and poured a shot, quickly letting it slide down his throat, burning as it went down. He couldn’t shake the feeling, it was a weird feeling, like something was terribly wrong. He went below to his cabin, found the scarf, and wrapped it tightly around his hand. 

The flashes of memory that the scarf brought were just as unsettling. The time she told him to leave, the time she resigned from the agency, the thoughts of Fabri. 

But this piece of cloth was all he had to hold of hers, all that made him right….

His heart was heavy, and his mind was troubled…….he knew there was something wrong with Sanem…….

Chapter 5

~Sanem~

Sanem had been in the clinic for weeks now, and the medication seems to be helping her cope with the heartache. She wanted to go home but the thought of going back to the neighborhood really didn’t appeal to her. But there’s wasn’t anything else for her to do now but to pick herself up and try to make the best of the rest of her life. Huma and Polen had put on a top notch performance, and even solicited the help of one the nurses at the hospital to help alter some of the paperwork in Yigits chart for evidence of his injuries. But all would be revealed, even the game that Yigit had played on her with the false pretenses of publishing her book. Huma and Polen both narrowly escaped the possibility of charges being brought against them by leaving Turkey in a hurry, and Yigit returning to Canada. 

All these things had given Sanem a reason to fight. The fact that Huma had tricked her into thinking Can had permanently injured Yigit just so she would stay by Yigits side purely out of guilt was one thing, but to let your own son believe he was responsible for someone else’s pain was unthinkable. Sanem quickly recovered, knowing she would need to take control of her life, not wanting to be taken advantaged of again. The thoughts of Can were constant, and she tried for weeks to contact him, but his phone had been turned off. It was like he had vanished,  without a thought of her. Her heart had to accept it, but her soul never would.

She gathered her thoughts, and rewrote her notebook, with it all having been filed away in her photographic memory. She determinedly submitted her transcript to several publishing companies, hoping for the best. And in fact she received the best news possible within a few weeks, one of the largest publishers in Turkey had accepted her story and was willing to give her a contract. She was in control, and there was no way she would be used again, the rest of her life would be on her terms. She would be strong…..Stronger than ever.

~Can~

He had sailed for what seemed like an eternity, listening and reasoning with his heart. She was still just as present in his head as the day he left Canakkale, but now he knew it was his fault she had lost her trust in him. He was nearing El Ejido, Spain, a small town in the southern region of Spain, not far from the Strait of Gibraltar.  Since he knew he would be sailing through the Strait he would need to stop for fuel and supplies. It had been a few weeks since he had been on land, so it would be a fast in and out of the port. He maneuvered his way into the tightly configured port that was already filled with boats, some large, some small. He found an empty slip and anchored in. The pier was busy and noisy, and within minutes it was already wearing on his nerves. He ordered the fuel, and ask directions to the nearest market. Although food was still not an important intake for his body right now, there were a few things he did need to replenish. 

He wound through the streets, following the directions he was given until he reached the small market. He found all the essentials that was needed, and decided to drop a line to Emre just to let him know he was ok. He picked up a small pad and a pen, jotted down a quick note saying all was well and not to worry. He dropped it in the mail slot at the Post office that was across the street from the market, and started back to the boat. He had passed a small bar along the way, that was already filled with people, music and laughter. He stopped in front of it, ” Bar Manolo, huhh, that sounds harmless enough.” He said out loud to himself. He had gotten quite use to talking to himself on the boat, so it seemed normal to do so. He walked in the door that was open wide, just welcoming him inside, almost everyone in the place turned to look at him as he appeared in the doorway. The old man behind the bar motioned him on in, ” Enter, enter my friend, looks like you could need a drink. That’s what we do here, drink. So what can it get you,….no, let me guess, you drink whiskey, right. Can looked around, studying the customers that lined the long bar. He nodded, indicating that the old man was right, as he leaned up against the bar. The place had become silent, as they stared at him, making him feel uncomfortable. The old man slammed his hand down on the bar, ” What’s wrong with you old drunks, have you not ever seen a man just off the sea before.” He smiled at Can. ” Where you from son, looks like you’ve been out on a boat for a while.”  Can wasn’t sure he knew what he was talking about until he caught his image in the mirror behind the bar. Was that him,….was that disheveled and unkept person staring back at him really him. 

No wonder they were looking at him, he looked like a man much older than he really was, and someone that hadn’t showered in weeks. He downed the drink quickly and ordered three bottles of whiskey to go. He glanced slightly at his reflection in the mirror again as he paid, “What has happened to me,” his mind rambled on at the thought. “I look as bad as I feel.”  He turned quickly to leave when the old man said, ” You never said where you’re from son, or where you’re headed.” Can looked at him without emotion, ” I’ve just come from hell, and I don’t expect to be leaving there anytime soon.” He grabbed his bag that was filled with his whiskey and walked out the door, leaving a bar full of people stunned.. He walked quickly back to the pier, ready to leave, leave behind what he had just seen in the mirror. The boat was fueled and ready to go, so he fired it up. The man in the next boat yelled, ” Are you shoving off so soon, you just got here.” Can waved at him, ” Yes, I got want I needed.” As he let his boat idle out away from the dock. The man came him a wave, watching him leave. Can kept his eyes straight ahead, not looking back, just as he had when he left Turkey. The image of himself in that mirror haunting him as he left the channel and moved out into the larger body of water. He didn’t recognize himself now,…Can Divit, the man who always knew what he wanted, confident, strong, and sure of himself. These were all the things that Sanem had fallen In love with, but these were also all the things that changed in his life when he fell in love with her.

He was far away from that town now, his boat heading toward the Strait. “Would he ever be able to run far enough away from what he had done….he wondered. He opened the bag that held the fresh bread from the market, ripped off a piece and shoved it in his mouth. Food just didn’t taste the same anymore, it always made him think of her. The way she loved her food, and was always hungry, no matter what. That was when he would fix anything for her, take her anywhere she wanted to eat, he was willing to do anything to make her happy…….

Anything…..but trust her, Anything…..but listen to her…….Anything…..but believe her……

Chapter 6

He headed his boat for the Strait of Gibraltar, once he was through that part of the sea, he would be pulled out into the Atlantic Ocean. Then the possibilities were endless of where he could go, maybe north, heading up to Ireland or maybe England. Then there was also the Canary Island, or he could take that long trip across the Atlantic towards the Islands, the Bahamas, St Lucia. He wouldn’t make any decision right now, once he was through the Strait he would decide. The wind was light so it would take him a while to get to the pass, maybe he should go below to the head and take a  shower, give his hair a good scrubbing and try to look like he was alive. His beard and hair  had grown dramatically, making him look shabby and dirty. He had let himself go as the torture of thinking about Sanem had overtaken his mind, but the least he could do was stay clean. He dropped his anchor and lowered the sails, he would try and make himself presentable even if it was just for the arrival at the Atlantic Ocean. Maybe it would make him feel better.

The shower had done wonders, he didn’t realize how long it had been. He combed through his long wavy hair, letting it flow down past his shoulders. He groomed his beard, making it feel more like hair than wire on his face. He looked at himself in the small mirror that was over the lavatory, the image still a bit ghastly, with his face considerably thinned than before and the dark circles under his  eyes were courtesy from lack of sleep, or sleep that was furnished by the finest whiskey he could find. He searched his eyes for the person he knew, he needed to somehow get back to the Can he had always been. But the thought of Sanem immediately formed in his head, the tears streaming down her face as he told her he was leaving for the job assignment with Polen. She had said many things to him, but none stuck in his head like this time, “You are angry with your mother for leaving you, but you act like your mom, running from everything in your life.” Did he want to go back to that same person, the old Can Divit, the one that couldn’t except a flaw in anyone, a person that expected the one he loved to be perfect and incapable of being human. He closed his eyes tightly, remembering that feeling, remembering how he thought he was right, and she was wrong. 

He could hear the wind pick up from down below, it brought him back to the present, with one last look at himself in that small mirror, he knew he had to change. He grabbed a shirt and slipped it over his head and climbed the ladder to the deck, yes the wind has made it appearance, and it was just in time to carry him through the Strait in record time. He lifted the sails, and pulled up the anchor, and felt the boat lunge ahead, starting its journey toward the passage. It wouldn’t take long to get to the Atlantic at this pace, he thought, as the wind whipped his hair across his face. He had never sailed this far alone, in fact he had never been on the Atlantic Ocean in a boat before, but he knew it was the only way.  He was leaving a life he had wanted so badly, a love that he needed and a woman that he would never forget. 

The trip through the narrow slit of water between Spain and Morocco, had taken longer than expected. The traffic had been heavy as this was a major pathway for some of the larger vessels. So he had to be on his best sailing manners to make it through unscathed. It was like a breakthrough to another world as the boat bucked and bounced about on the strong waves of the Atlantic. He was in awe of its vastness, it was endless and once he had made it through he seemed to be all alone. Where had all the other boats gone that passed through with him. This was the first time he had ever been scared on a boat, or apprehensive of what was to come, but his heart was beating fast as he quickly lowered the sails and grabbed the map from below. He had to make some kind of plan, where was he headed, he searched the map and did his calculations. The Canary Islands were the closest so maybe he would anchor there for a day or two just to get his bearing. He took a deep breath, ” Ok Divit, let’s get going, these waters sail the same as any other.” He smiled slightly, something that took him by surprise, he hadn’t smiled in a long time.

He fired up the motor and watched as the sails billowed in the wind, his heart confused and heavy. He was getting further and further away from home, from the place he had found happiness. He couldn’t help but think of the first night at his mountain hut with her, the dance, it was so vivid in his mind as he let the movement of the boat hold him in his trance. He had wanted so badly to tell her that night that he was the man that kissed her in the dark, the man that had breathed in that intoxicating smell from her perfume, the man that had fell under her spell without even knowing who she was. He closed his eyes, letting the full effect of the memory unfold, reliving the image of her dancing when she didn’t know he was watching, the effects of the wine and the incessant talking. All these things had been his attraction to her, the reason he couldn’t look away from her, the reason to be near her. 

He never knew how she came to be in that loggia that night of the 40th anniversary party, he thought is was Polen. As he entered the dark room, all he saw was a figure, and he reached for her, eager to welcome her with a kiss. But as his arms formed around her, and the feel of her skin warmed his hands, he knew this was not Polen. He knew it before he let his lips touch hers, he knew it when he sucked in that aroma that seemed to be of a field of wildflowers, he knew she was someone special. In an instant it was over and she was gone, but the smell and the feel of her skin was permanently affixed in his mind. He had an overwhelming need to touch and smell the scarf, as he reached into his pocket and pulled it out. It was never far away from him, he needed for it to be with him at all times. He kept his eyes closed,…..and brought it to his nose, that faint distinctive smell still lingered there, or was it just his imagination, either way,….it was all he needed to keep his heart beating and his soul alive…

His mind refused to move on, his heart still ached for the touch of her, his soul still begged for her smell, but all he had was this memory. Why had he fallen so deep, so strongly and totally in love with this woman. She was the person he so wanted to be, he needed to be, but had pushed away with his untrust. 

He had always wondered why she called him the ” Bad King” that night at the hut….

Maybe he knew now…..

Even back then, she knew he would break her heart…….

Chapter 7

The decision to anchor at the Canary Islands for a couple of days was a good one. He was tired and needed to regain some strength. He rounded the northern edge of Morocco, as he came out of the Strait, and started down the coast line. He was traveling in unfamiliar waters, but he kept pushing on, hoping he had the state of mind to hold himself together. It was turning dusk and the view of Morocco in the far distance was all he had for a landmark. If he anchored here for the night, and then sail into Lanzarote tomorrow, it might be less dangerous, at least that was his reasoning. He stayed in the channel, still close enough to see the western coast of Morocco, but out of the way of the major thoroughfare. He lowered the sails and dropped the anchor, turned on the lights on the bow of the boat for visibility, and stretched out to relax his muscles. The tension from sailing through the Strait of Gibraltar, or the excitement of it had his body aching. The weather was turning cool, just his shorts and no shirt wouldn’t be enough tonight, as he lounged out on the bow, looking up at the stars.

The rumbling of his stomach startled him, he was actually feeling hungry. He went below to the galley, rummaged through what he had in the fridge. He remembered picking up some shrimp at the market in El Ejido just on instinct, but it sure looked good now. There was some fresh vegetables in there too, so he sauté the it all in a skillet with some butter and grabbed a glass and the bottle of whiskey he had pickup at the bar. It felt like the temp had dropped another 10 degrees by the time he made it back up top to the deck, so he wrapped a blanket around him, as he sat down to eat. His hand moved from the plate to his mouth unconsciously, he seemed to be  in a trancelike stupor. The silence, that was really the thing that  bothered  him the most, but at one time in his life it was the most natural thing for him. Now, that’s when he could hear everything, remember everything, relive everything that happened. Which is what he did that evening, just as he did every evening. Before long, the food that he had been enjoying, began to taste like a poison, making him push the plate away and reach for that glass of whiskey. That seemed to be the only friend he had…..

 Three glasses in, and he was already beginning to feel the effects of the strong Spanish whiskey. His body had warmed under the blanket, making him feel the heat from the whiskey even more, as it traveled through his body. It made him feel numb, and that’s what he wanted, to be numb. Not to feel anything would be a blessing right now, as his heart ached at the thought of her. The stars were shining more brightly on this evening, as he stared at the sky. His eyes were hard to focus, but within minutes the Orion constellation was staring him straight in the face. He knew it was the whiskey, but it seemed to be flashing like a neon sign, as he blinked his eyes to see it. He smiled, a real smile….as his mind took him to that place by the sea where she told him the story of Orion the Hunter. He listened in his head as she told him that story again, it felt like she was there right beside him, telling this tale with the same innocence and vulnerability as before. That was the night she had come to him, she came to him on her own, to be with him. They had laid in the hammock, gazing at the stars, him convincing her to stay another five minutes, until they both woke with the sun shining on them. He knew her true feelings for him on that night, even if she herself still hesitated.

The cold woke him, his body was shaking, as he reached for the blanket. The whiskey had provided a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, but not a restful sleep. He sat up on the edge of the deck, shaking his fogged head, wondering when would he ever escape this nightmare. The sun had just began to peek above the horizon, so he decided to go below to try and catch a couple more hours of sleep. The confined space made him nervous, making him feel trapped and unable to breath, so he made a cup of coffee, took it and his jacket to the deck. Tea had always been his preferred drink, but the thought of it now made him think of her. She had brewed the best tasting tea ever, and she enjoyed it as much as he did. There was  a lot of things that would be impossible for him now, the tea….looking at the stars…..smelling any kind of flowers, that all would be nothing more than a flashback in time for him. 

The coffee went down slowly, but effectively, unclogging his head a little as a result. The sun was warming the air quickly, so he shed the jacket and prepared the boat for the journey on to the Island of Lanzarote. He wished with the beginning of each morning, that this day would be better than the day before, but his wishes seemed to be unheard as the heaviness in his heart was still anchored there. In a couple of hours he was able to see the northern most part of the island. He had decided to anchor just off the mainland at Arrecife, he didn’t want to go ashore just yet. The thought of a rush of people unsettled him, almost as much as the absence of them. He would dock at the port tomorrow, he told himself, as he drifted closer to the island. The port itself was already full of cruise ships, and some of the larger sailing boats, so the decision to stay off shore had been a good one. 

He anchored in a safe spot, and busied himself with maintenance on the boat for the rest of the day. The condition of the boat was the most important thing right now, not keeping the mainsails and rigging in top shape would be detrimental to a long voyage. After tending to all of the maintenance, his body needed food, so he piled the all the fruit that he had left on a plate and took it up top. His stomach welcomed it, and the water he washed it down with. He knew all the whiskey he had been consuming wasn’t good, but right now what was good for him didn’t matter, it was about helping him survive….

Yes it was a game of survival….the survival of his heart, or the hardening of it. He had to deal with all these feeling someday, somehow. He would have to come to terms with the type of man he had become. If he had known what would happen to him when he found this true love, a love that was bigger and more powerful than he was, maybe he could have prepared himself for it. But she had taken him by surprise, made him feel things he had never felt before.

He stared at the scarf, wishing his life had been different. Wishing he had lived a childhood filled with love, then maybe he would have known what it was to love. 

This ache inside him would be there for the rest of his life, he knew it, he felt it, he willed it.

She was the one. His fate, his reason…….If she had only believed him…..

Chapter 8

He had spent most of the night sitting on the bow of the boat, leaned against the mast. He watched the port, and how busy it was. Although he was anchored a short distance away, he could still see the hustle and bustle of the pier. He tried to remember what day of the week it was, but he wasn’t for sure. Without a phone or a radio, it was hard to keep up with the time. The glow of lights from the pier shined out on the water for a ways, making it look like the ocean was changing color. It took on a kaleidoscope of color, all rotating and twinkling with the waves. He was trying not to have that first glass of whiskey tonight, if he could just busy his mind with something else besides “her”. The air was turning cold again, just like the night before. It must be the difference in the Mediterranean Sea, and the Atlantic Ocean. Before making it through the Strait, the nights had been balmy and warm, except when that storm moved through. Now the change of elements and wind was bringing down a much colder air at night. He would have to pick up some warmer clothes before starting his trip on from here, and that would mean going ashore. 

The night had actually become quite frigid, enough so that it sent him down below to his cabin bunk. That was something he hadn’t done much, sleep in a bed. The confined area begin to suffocate him not long after he laid down, so he took what blankets he had and went to the deck, making himself a makeshift bed on the long bench beside the table. Sleep was hard to come, but at last he was drifting off, trying not to think. He wasn’t sure how long he slept, but in his dream he was searching for Sanem, calling her name over and over. It was the camping trip, and she was lost, his heart raced as he trampled through the woods looking for her, he had never been so scared. But in this dream he hadn’t been the one to find Sanem, it was Fabri. By the time Can arrived at the pit, Fabri was already bringing her up. She was clinging to Fabri, crying and thanking him for saving her, and Can stood by watching, feeling his heart break as Fabri scooped her up in his arms and carried her off. He woke himself up calling out her name, “Sanem, Sanem, I was coming, I was coming to get you.”  She didn’t listen, she didn’t look at him, she only held on to that other man tightly as he carried her out of sight.

He sat up quickly, his chest hurting and sweat beading up on his body. He was still calling out her name, looking around the boat for her. When he came to his senses, the reality of it hit him hard. He knew it didn’t happen that way, he had been the one to find her, rescue her, but there was always someone else trying to come between them. Even with the cold temperature, Can was sweating as he relived that part of their life. If it hadn’t been for her fall, and Deren giving her that strong drink, she wouldn’t have been wandering in the woods that night. He might not have stumbled upon her there, and she may never have told “you are mine, that’s it”  and sealed it with a kiss. These were all the times that haunted him, blurred his thinking, made him regret walking away from her. At that very moment he knew he should have stayed, even if she didn’t believe him, even if she pushed him away, he should have stayed. But now he was sure that Yigit had stepped into his role, she felt guilty for what had happened to him. He knew her, she would have to take care of him, and he had let. He left the door wide open for Yigit, that was something he would have to live with. 

He watched the first streaks of amber appear on the horizon, as the sun prepared to start another day. He had spent the rest of the night before, chasing away the demons that gnawed at his brain after that dream. He prayed to forget, to accept what he had done, to move on. His heart just couldn’t listen to his head. He knew he  would never forget her, he would never love again, for his heart had only one purpose, on desire, one love and that was Sanem. 

~Sanem~

The publisher had accepted her transcript, vowing to make this book a bestseller. She was on cloud nine, and the thought of her doing this all one her own was even more satisfying. Her publisher, Kai, was part of one of the largest publishing houses in Istanbul, and one of the most successful. She was going to his office for their first business meeting, she hoped it would be a profitable one. She really had no idea what she was getting into, but she knew she had to make this happen. Her life was now her own, she had made it through a very dark period in her life and she wasn’t about to let it take her down. The thought of Can was always there, but it was deeper now, not so prevalent and raw. Where ever he was, she prayed he was safe and well, but most of all happy. She was sure she wouldn’t feel happiness again, not like it was before. Her heart was closed, she had filled it with the love him, and  when he left, she simply closed it off, trapping all that love inside it to stay.

The meeting was excellent, she had a connection with Kai that made her feel comfortable. He was newly married and eager to make a name for himself in the book world. The outline he had for her career was astonishing, not leaving any stone unturned. The release date was quicker than she could have imagined, and the publicity to accompany it was more than expected. Her parents and Leila were all telling her to slow down and not rush into things, but she needed to take control, move on, that was all that was keeping her from slipping back into that hole of depression that followed her after Can walked away from her. The humiliation from the deceitful things that Huma and Yigit put her through was still very present in her mind, and the only way to remove it was to show them all she wasn’t a joke or just a simple girl from the poor part of town. She wanted to prove to them she was just as worthy as they were, if not more so. 

What happened next was still a blur of excitement, with the release of her first book shooting to the top of the bestsellers list in record time. This was a story of her and Cans love, their heartbreak, their finding and losing each other more than once. So why did this book speak to so many people, she had poured her heart into this real life story, bared her soul for all the world to read. It was about destiny, fate and opening up yourself to what was to be in your life. 

He was her destiny, nothing less, nothing more. She knew this was forever when they met in the opera house the second time. 

Her Life, Her Heart, Her Albatross……

Chapter 9

Most of the cruise ships had pulled out of the port by late morning, leaving it vacant and open. He decided it was as good a time as any to go ashore and get what he needed. He took his time drifting into the port, found a slip, and tightly secured the boat to the pier. Arrecife was a little smaller than most port towns, which made him more comfortable about getting off the boat. After the incident on his last excursion into a port town, he decided to check his appearance before heading into town. Maybe he would even get a trim on his beard while he was here, it had grown a lot, looking a bit shaggy. He pulled his long thick hair up into a ponytail and combed through his beard as best he could. It didn’t look so bad, he thought, as he looked at himself in the small mirror, maybe he would just buy a pair of scissors and trim it himself, and his hair, he would braid as he had learned from some of the village people he had stayed with in Angola.

He secured what he needed to on the boat before going ashore. Making a mental note of what he should get while he was there, he started towards the center of town. The food supply was getting sparse, and the drinking water was down to nothing. He walked along the street, thinking how beautiful and colorful the town was. He found the market and stocked up on some of the more simple foods, the ones that were easy to prepare. He grabbed a couple of bags of cereal, some fresh bread, and fruit. He passed a clothing store, but decided to come back for the clothes he needed, as he continued on back to the boat. Just off the pier was a seafood market, so he picked up some fresh shrimp, sardines, and was convinced to try Cherne, which is the most popular fish among the people of the Canary Islands. Taking everything back to the boat and getting in on ice took him a while. He still had some warmer clothes to buy and of course, his stop at the local bar. 

The pier was lined with vendors with locally crafted item, and musicians trying to be noticed. It was all very festive, and made him stop and watch. It took his mind away, as he watched the people laugh and dance, taking him back to the street festival that he had gone to in Sanems neighborhood. He could feel the tears start to well up in his eyes so he quickly turned and started to walk away. But the image of a woman caught his eye, it was just from the back, but she was dancing and laughing, reminding him of Sanem. He blinked his eyes, to clear the tears from them and then looked again. Was it her, was it Sanem, her hair was dark brown, and it fell below her shoulders. It was straight and shiny, she was small, her body shapely just like Sanem. He was frozen in place, afraid to move away, for fear it was really her and he might miss her if he walked away. Her movements captivated him, they were so like the ones of her. His mind was convincing himself it was really “her, ” just as a tall slender man approached her and wrapped his arms around her. His heart fell, and the hurt from watching the two together, as the man gently kissed her on the cheek, was more than he could bear.

Was he losing his mind, he wondered, as he stared at the couple. Then she laughed, throwing her head back, much in the same manner as Sanem. He closed his eyes, not wanting see anymore, but the laugh was still there, he listened to it but it was different, not Sanems laugh, that additive laugh that made him happy at just the thought of it. The man put his arm around her shoulders a lead her away, as Can watched them leave. The thought of someone else enjoying the sound of Sanems laugh, the look on her face when she was happy, the excitement in her eyes when she had learned something new, made him weak. He had tried to avoid the thought of her that day, wishing to just get by one day without his heart breaking for her, but that wasn’t to be. He walked in a daze back to the clothing store, bought what he needed for the cooler weather, and started back to his boat. The sight of that woman, a stranger that he had hoped to be Sanem, had opened the flood gates of memories for him. As he passed by a small open air bar, the smell of the whiskey made him stop. It was just a few tables, a makeshift bar, with a radio playing in the corner, but he couldn’t resist. He didn’t notice anyone else there as he walked up to the bar to order a shot. The bartender was a older woman, with a raspy voice,   “Hello handsome, what’s your drink for the day.” she asked, leaning over the bar closer to him. He stepped back quickly, and lowered his head, ” A whiskey, the strongest you have.”  She smiled, and filled a shot glass with the best she had. 

The burn from the whiskey was almost nonexistent now, as he downed his fourth shot, but the vision of that woman was still there. He motioned for the bottle, took it and sat down at the nearest table. His eyes were focused on his memories, the reliving of all the times he had watched Sanem dance and laugh, the happy times. He finished off the bottle of whiskey, with his head getting foggy and the his mind still full of the thought of home. He asked the lady for a couple of bottles of Spanish wine and another bottle of whiskey. As he sat there waiting, his head feeling even more confused, he noticed a person walk up beside him, ” Well sailor, I think you may need a friend.” He heard the ladies voice say as she sat down beside him. He tried to look at her, but his eyes were hard to focus, but he knew she wasn’t anyone he wanted to be friends with. She touched his arm, but he jerked away instantly, he stood reaching in his pocket for the money to pay for the booze. Just the closeness of another woman sent a wave of disgust through him. How dare her think he would need anyone, least of all someone like her.

He grabbed the bag of wine and whiskey, threw the money in the bar and turned to walk out. The woman called after him, ” I can help you with whatever you need.”  Those words made him sick, as he stumbled out and down the street towards the pier. He tried desperately to clear his head as he made it to the boat. He wanted to untie his boat and get as far away as possible from this town. But that half a bottle of whiskey that he had just drank made it impossible to do. He fell face first on the deck bench, wishing for a miracle, anything to make him forget.

How……how would he forget…

That look, her smile, her laugh……He reached in his pocket for her scarf and brought it to his nose.

And how would be ever forget her smell……….

Chapter 10

Even with as much whiskey as he had consumed, his mind was fully charged, the thought of Sanem running over and over through his head. The sound of the laughter that he remembered from Sanem echoed all around him. At one point, before he finally succumbed to the liquor, he recalled calling out her name, begging her to help him. The sun was shining brightly, as he tried to open his eyes, making him cover his face with both hands. His head pounded as he sat up on  the bench, he wondered why he had let himself do it again. He had made a promise to himself, not to try and drink her away. He needed to face what had happened, take responsibility for it and accept it. But, here he was again, trying to start another day with a terrible hangover. The bag with the wine and whiskey in it was lying on the floor of the deck, with all three bottles still sealed and full. His head was still foggy, but the last thing he remembered was holding Sanems scarf to his face and calling out her name. The scarf, he looked around for that vital piece of cloth, the only thing that was holding him together.

His stomach was tied in knots, as he searched the deck for her scarf. Where was it, what had happened to it, his mind was frantic as he flipped the cushions of the bench. There in the corner, under the bottom cushion, was a little piece of the scarf peeking out from the frame of the bench. He grabbed it, holding it in his hands like it was the most precious thing in the world to him, and right now. At this time in his life, it was the most precious thing. He fell back against the seat, his heart racing, his mind spinning, what would he do if he lost this scarf, if it had blown out of the boat and sank to the bottom of the ocean. He didn’t even want to think about it, as he stuffed it back deep into his pocket. He took the bag with the clothes he had bought and went below, getting out of the sight of all the eyes that had been starting at him from the pier as he was destroying the deck looking for the scarf.  He splashed the cold water on his face trying to bring himself around. He ran his wet fingers through his hair, taming the wildness of his unruly and unkempt hair. The person that looked back at him in that small mirror was a sad, lonely person. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be that person anymore, someone so confused and unsure of himself.  

The coffee was beginning to fix what he done to himself, as the sipped his second cup. He was focused of his map, figuring the best and most uneventful route from here to his next destination. But not knowing were that was, it proved to be harder than he thought. He decided that sailing on down the African coastline would be the safest, that wouldn’t require putting himself out there in the middle if the Atlantic Ocean. He would hang out here for the rest of the day, try and get a good night’s sleep, and head out at first light. It all sounded good, so reasonable and logical, but he knew how quickly things could change with him, just a thought or a sound reminding him of her, could send him off on another fit of devastation. Her tried to keep his mind on his business at hand, with replacing the worn-out batteries in his radio, he would at least be able to listen to some music, maybe it would keep his mind occupied. It all seemed like such a chore, he had to force himself to think about other things, but the only thing that had been on his mind over the past several months had been Sanem.

His stomach rumbled from hunger, but he definitely wasn’t in the mood to cook anything. He remembered seeing a pizza restaurant next to the market he had visited the day before. Grabbing his wallet he walked the narrow ladder from his boat to the pier. The town seemed different today, not as busy, as he wound his way through the streets back to the spot he had been yesterday. The restaurant was busy, with a few people standing in line to order, so he stepped up behind the last person in line. The smell was wonderful, making him even more famished then he thought. He ordered a large “the works” pizza, hoping it would be as good as it looked. Leaning against the wall to wait for this order, he noticed a couple of people giving him a glance over. He must still look like a vagrant, he thought, as he avoided their eyes. He would get his food, and make his way back to the boat, away from all the looks, the stares. The girl called his order number, and he reached for his pizza. He smiled at her, ” Thanks, oh hey, do you know what day of the week it is, I lost my phone and have lost track of time.” He asked, embarrassed at the question. She nodded, ” Sure, it’s Monday, October 2. There’s a phone store on the next block over if you need to replace it.”   He shook his head, ” No, that’s fine, just the day is all I need, thanks.” He headed put the door as the eyes of most the customers followed him. 

Monday, that’s why the pier and the downtown area weren’t as busy, he thought, as he walked quickly back to his boat at the port. He spread out the pizza on the table, ready to dive in, but thinking he needed to write the day and date down somewhere so he could keep track of it. He took the marker he used for his map and wrote, “Monday, October 2, Arrecife, Lanzarote” on the lid of the pizza box. He turned on the radio and slowly consumed the pizza, letting the music be his only companion. He took what was left and wrapped it in plastic, storing it in the cooler for later, but keeping the lid of the box for his calendar. His mind was remembering that night he left, he remembered that date, it was seared into his brain, “May 22,” he would never forget it. So he had been gone from Istanbul for over 4 months, the worst 4 months of his life. It had to get better, there’s no way it could get worse, he thought, closing his eyes and thinking back on the night in Yigits room as he tried to apologize. Telling him it was just an accident and he hadn’t  done it intentionally, but Yigit wouldn’t accept it. What had he done, he had ruined a man’s  life, all in the name of love, all because of jealousy, mistrust, possessiveness. 

He didn’t deserve to feel better, he didn’t deserve to be forgiven, he didn’t deserve Sanem. These were the words that Yigit had so violently lashed out at him that day at the hut. He told him he didn’t love Sanem, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

He loved her too much…

He needed her too much…

He wanted her more than his own life…..

Chapter 11

The night air was crisp and fresh, as he stretched out on the stern of the boat. He had a strange calmness inside, like he had accepted what he had done, he would shoulder the responsibility of the hurt he had caused. For once he thought of something else, for the first time since he had sailed away from his home, he was thinking about his father and Emre. He was sure that his Dad knew by now what he had done. Emre had surely contacted him, letting him know that his perfect son, the one he depended on and trusted, had walked away from his responsibilities of the agency. He had ran, just like all the other times, just like everyone knew he would. The words from Sanem that day when he told her he would leave with Polen, take the job she offered, turn his back on her. Never had any words ever been more true. He was like his mother, as hard as he tried not to be, he was a person that couldn’t be trusted.

At his next stop he would sent a note to his father, letting him know he was ok, that was the least he could do after destroying his company. He drifted off to sleep with a heavy heart, but one that accepted his faults, and vowed never to forget. He had slept for a few hours, but that seemed to be all he needed these days, as he stirred around, his body stiff from sleeping on the hard shell of the boat. He had decided to shove off that morning, time to move on, separate himself from the living, getting back to his nature,…..loneliness. He went below and readied the galley and his cabin for travel, making sure everything was secure. Made a cup of coffee, grabbed a piece of fruit and went up top to untie the boat. It was going to be a gray day, as the clouds covered the blue sky, making it gloomy. He wasn’t sure of the weather out here on the large open water, so he decided to stay a little closer to the shore, just in case. 

A few hours later the image of the Canary Islands had faded and he was once again facing this time alone. He set his sails to travel south, out around the Cabo Verde islands, and on down the western coast of Africa. He had been to several different place in Africa, the remote places, taking photos of this exceptional country, but this time he hadn’t planned on going ashore, not unless he needed fuel. The image of the woman on the pier that he had mistaken for Sanem was still vivid in his memory as he gazed out at the horizon. A slight smile eased across his face, the remembrance of her laughter could always make him feel better. But that’s all it was, just a memory, a memory that he was sure would never be real again. He would remove himself from the living, make himself forget the life he wanted so badly, make himself forget the love he had for her. It was the only way for him to survive, he would have to destroy the old Can. 

~ Sanem ~

Sanem was on yet another book-signing engagement, this one was at home, in the largest bookstore in Istanbul. Her life had evolved into a life of demands and obligations, and with her life at home being less than desirable, she needed to find a place to heal. Leila and Emre had lost everything, the agency, their home, and almost their marriage after Can left and the agency went bankrupt. They moved into her parents house, making the place she he always called home seem more like a private hell. Emre had openly accused her for the downfall of the company, and the losing of everything he had, but most of all, they blamed her for the disappearance of Can. They had covered up their responsibility in it all, with Huma and Yigit’s plan to destroy her and Can’s relationship, they almost destroyed themselves. They both narrowly escaped just as the investigation into the false medical record was coming to light. 

She had thought many times about moving away from the neighborhood, finding a nice little apartment in Istanbul, but her mother always stopped her, she was just to afraid her unstable condition would rear its ugly head again and she would fall back into that pit of hopelessness. But this day at the book signing, a beautiful older woman approached her, completely enthralled with her book. She told her it reminded her of a love that she too had lost many years ago. She offered to buy Sanem a cup of coffee and a chance to get to know her. That woman was Mihriban, and she did indeed get to know her. Over the next few days they became friends, with the story of their life being so similar, and the need for Sanem to distance herself from her family, Mihriban offered her a place to live at her home. The farm was beautiful, just what Sanem needed, a place to be herself, without the looks of judgement and guilt. To heal her mind and heart she excepted her invitation, but not without opposition from her mother. She gathered her strength and insisted that she had to do this, winning over her mother through her Dad. 

That move proved to be the turning point of her life. She grew stronger and more sure of herself, with the book deal and the start of her second book, she felt she was on her way to an acceptance of what her life would be now. A life without Can, without the love of her life, without the reason of her  existence. The hurt of watching him leave that night at the hospital was still so vivid and present in her mind. She tried to forget it, telling herself he never really loved he or he wouldn’t have left her, reliving the times they had, good and bad, like a constant movie rerunning over and over in her mind. She stayed strong, almost to strong, as her joy for life seemed to be replaced with a determination to make this her time. 

Her most devoted friend CeyCey, had refused to leave her side through it all. He had also lost an important person  in his life, the friendship he had with Can was much like a brother. It made him feel responsible for Sanem, he wanted to keep her safe and protected for Can, just in case he should ever return. The change in Sanem over the months concerned him, she walked away from the fun loving, crazy, wonderful woman, and took on the face of a serious and determined business woman. He longed for his friends to come back, to replace this substitute person that took life way to serious, but it seemed she was making her life on her own, and without Can.

The restart of the agency had been an idea of CeyCeys for a while. He longed for that time in his life again. He wanted a place to start over, and the farm seemed like the perfect place. But Sanem may have different thoughts about it, and the last thing he wanted to do was cause her anymore pain. He knew how happy she was there, this was the place she found herself,… made herself move on, she had replaced that old Sanem. This Sanem knew what she wanted, knew what was important to her, and she knew she could do it. 

This life from now on, was her life….

It would be what she wanted, and how she wanted….

That was how she would deal with this heartbreak…….but she would never be able to forget the love that was to be forever in her soul….

Chapter 12

He marked his days religiously on the lid of that pizza box, so that morning as he watched the sun wake by the day, he wrote, ” November 25th, somewhere in the South Atlantic Ocean,” having to write very small to record it on the box. It was almost full, leaving little space to mark down his location. He had been sailing alone out here on this massive body of water for 54 days, drifting, then sailing fast with the appearance of the wind, then back to drifting. This was the way of his feelings as well. His mind in and out of reality, talking to himself, verbally explaining out loud what had happened to his life. He had sailed into a port in Nigeria just to fuel up and replenish his water supply, the food had lasted longer than he expected so he opted not to find a market. He had even caught a few ocean fish as he drifted along, that had helped keep his mind busy and they actually tasted very good as his desire for food had began to return. 

The nights were still the worse times for him. He felt closed in, especially if it was a cloudy night with no stars or moon visible, the presence of them seemed to bring her closer to him. He remembered each story she had told him about the stars, her knowledge of all of these things had always amazed him, made him want to be with her. She was like no one else he had ever met. Many times he thought she was there with him, as he drifted along in the massive and endless sea. Most of these times were the result of the whiskey he had consumed, but each time felt so real, so true in his mind that when he would reach for her and she wasn’t there, he would feel like another piece of him had died. His heart longed for her each minute of the day, as he made himself continue on, forced himself to feel all the hurt that he had brought to himself, and vowed to never forget how his actions had caused him all this pain.

It was late in the morning on that day of November 25th, when the wind and clouds took on a different look and feel. It happened quickly, the clouds turned black, bellowing and churning with a vengeance. It didn’t take him long to realize that he was heading into one hell of a storm. He hurried about lowering the sails and securing any thing loose on the boat. He steered the vessel eastward toward the African coastline, trying to find a little shelter from this storm. It looked like the biggest one he had been faced with yet. He fired up the motor to fight against the force of the wind, as he tried to keep the boat on course and heading inland. Then the rain hit, pelting him with what seemed like tiny bits of metal, stinging his skin. He felt the air turn much colder, he wanted to find his jacket, but the wind was so strong there was no way he could walk away from the wheel. He watched as the ice form along the railing of the boat and on the rigging of the mast, this could possibly be a very dangerous situation, he thought. 

He had always thought his boat was a safe vessel, large enough to make it through any type of storm, but he was quickly seeing that it may not be. They were being tossed about on the water much like a toy, all he could do was hang on to the wheel, and hope for the best. This was the time he knew he had to stay calm and keep his senses, but he would be lying if he didn’t say he was scared. The cold ocean water splashed violently over the side of the boat, he was soaked to the bone and shivering as the storm raged on. Was this the end for him, his mind was racing at the thought it, as the boat seemed to be at the mercy of this storm, bucking and slamming against the waves. He hoped he was still veering toward the coast but he couldn’t be sure with the wind still swirling about. His arms were tired from battling the wheel for what seemed an eternity, against the force of the wind, but the storm seemed to be weakening. Then it was gone, just as fast as it came, it was gone, his body weak and broken from the fight. He slumped down across the wheel of the boat, trying desperately to catch his breath, and clear his head. The water took on a calmness that was as eerie as the storm, he dropped the anchor and went below to change out of his wet clothes. He sat on the edge of his bunk reliving the incident in his head, what if he hadn’t made it, what if he hadn’t lived through that. They would have never found him out her in the middle of this huge body of water, as he thought of his Dad and the anguish that he would have felt. 

He stayed there for a while, letting himself rest and regain some strength. As he came back up top he could see the water was calm and beautiful, taking on the appearance a being reborn, maybe it was even relieved the storm was gone. Sanem was present in his mind, as he laid on the deck resting his muscles, filling him with more regret and unhappiness for what he  had done. He let his mind wander and remember what he had done to bring himself to this time and place. He wondered how Yigit was, was he still in a wheelchair, was Sanem by his side, helping him, nurturing him. He had to make his mind see it, feel it, so his heart would accept it. He knew he had to get another message to his Dad and Emre to let them know he was ok, it was only right. Maybe they would tell Sanem he was ok, but she may not care, she may not want to know anything at all about him. The thought of that hurt him, hurt him so badly that his heart felt it may stop beating. He went below and got his last bottle of whiskey and a glass. That thought had pushed him over the edge, made him want to get lost in this bottle of whiskey, to forget everything there was to remember about her. The first drink burned all the way down. It had been a while since he had visited his friend, this bottle of booze, this liquid that numbed his brain. 

He closed his eyes and let his heart take over, seeing her at the hut dancing when she didn’t think he was looking, the night he found her sitting in the garden of his house waiting for him. The day he confessed his love for her at his childhood home, and the day she told him she wasn’t attracted to him. These were all the times his heart loved her more than he thought possible, more than he knew he could love anyone. She would always live inside him, no matter what he did, or where he went, she would always be there. 

He knew this now,…..it was a fact.

He would change, let that old Can go, become someone that wasn’t like he was before.

She would never be his again, but no one could ever take her memory from him……

Chapter 13

He was nearing Cape Town, and the Cape of Good Hope, at the southern most tip of Africa. He was just going through the motions of living, his heart beating only because it refused to give up. He had come into his calming time of his life, the heart ache and the rage of his past life had been buried deep down inside him. This was a new Can, a different Can, one that had accepted what he was before and destroyed it. There was still a part of him that only survived with the thought of her, the feel of the scarf, the smell that still lingered on it. The burning of the notebook was the only thing he knew he didn’t do, the rest of it , the mistrust of her, the jealousy, the fear of losing her to Yigit, those were all things he knew he did. He couldn’t forget them, so there was no reason to try, he just had to live with them. If he ever saw her again, he would make her believe him. That thought stuck in his mind, “if I ever see her again” he didn’t think he would. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to, the hurt of it would be to great, she’s probably with Yigit now anyway, they are all better off without him there. Well all except his Dad maybe, they had always had a connection, he never judged him. He was the only person in his life, his only family, other than Erme, and god knows they had their problems as well. 

He was in need of some fresh supplies and fuel, so the stop a Cape Town was something he had to do. Maybe he would dock there just off the pier for a day or two, relax and let himself rest. The first thing he would do is send that note to his Dad, he missed his Dad, and the regret of not telling him what was going on was bothering him. The absence of a phone had become normal to him, he didn’t seem to miss it that much, in fact he didn’t miss a lot of his old life, except Sanem. The port was busy, busier than any he had been to, so finding a slip was hard, but he finally back his boat into a spot at the end of the pier. He took the time to shower and change before going ashore, pulling his long flowing hair up into a half ponytail. He looked at his makeshift calendar, he had used almost every available inch of the pizza box lid to keep track of what day it was. His last entry was earlier that morning, just as the sun was coming up, he like to jot it down then just to celebrate the passing of another day alone..January 2nd, the starting of a new year. 

He grabbed his water jugs, filling them from the water fountain there on the pier. First things first he thought, as he carried them back to his boat. First the supplies then to relax, as he ordered the fuel to fill the tank on the boat. The gentleman there gave him directions to the closest market, and he was on his way. He had a long list of things to pick up, batteries, some more fresh food, a couple of writing pens and an official calendar. After filling several bags with what he needed to started back to his boat, stopping to drop off a quick note to his Dad at the post office. Not far from the market he noticed a bookstore, and the memory of his library at home made him homesick. He went on toward the pier, but the bookstore stuck in his head. He unloaded the bags, then went up top to find a place for the calendar. He attached it to the inside wall on the deck facing the table, that way he could see as he steered the boat. The thought of the bookstore still stirred in his mind, he could pickup a couple of books to read just to pass the time, and keep his mind busy, reading was something he had always loved.

He started back through the streets of town towards the bookstore, he stopped first to pickup a couple of bottles of wine, he had swore off the whiskey after finishing that last bottle a few weeks before. His body was refusing to get over the effects of it, trapping him in a downward spiral after each binge. The wine was just to help him relax, and with a book to read, it would almost feel like being home. The bookstore was small and packed with every book imaginable, some he had already read and many he had never seen  before. He picked up one that was his favorite, one he had already read many times but loved, and a new one. He turned to the counter to pay, and a colorful cover caught his eye, ” The Phoenix and the Albatross, by Sanem Aydin” His heart jumped right into his throat, he pulled out the money from his pocket, shoved it across the counter to the woman. He didn’t remember the walk back to the boat, or the untying of the boat, or the fact he was already halfway out of the port before he let himself breath. His eyes full of tears, and his mind racing, he fired up the motor and pushed on the throttle, wanting to leave this place as quick as possible. Wanting to escape the hurt and reality of what he had just seen, …this reenactment of his life. 

It was dusk, and the stars were just beginning to show themselves, when he finally was able to stop. The port was completely out of sight, all he could see was water. He  sat down on the bow of the boat behind the wheel, he took a deep breath and exhaled. He had seen her name, it hurt just as much as it would if he had seen her. Was it her book, did she get it published, all these things were exploding in his mind. But there was no other explanation, it had to be. It was their story, the story he was running from, the story that didn’t have a happy ending, just a story of hurt. He wished he had picked it up, no….maybe he didn’t, he wanted to read her words but he knew they would hurt to much. Yigit had done it, he published her story, Yigit did what he couldn’t. It all seemed so final now, so definite, she had moved on…..she had a different life now, his head was telling him. So why couldn’t he……

The cover of that book was etched in his mind, as he closed his eyes to forget. He reached in his pocket for the scarf, the only part of her that was his, the only thing he had left of her. He relived that night on the rocks, that night she told him to go. If only he had gone then, why didn’t he….his mind wondered, why hadn’t he, but his heart knew. He couldn’t leave, those feelings that were just beginning to burst open inside him, they were like nothing he had ever felt before. He couldn’t leave….so he stayed, he fought for her. He remembered wondering why she was refusing him, what was she hiding. All this things meant nothing now, she had pushed him away,  and it was clear she wasn’t thinking about him. 

A piece of his heart was gone, and the rest of it had turned cold and distant..

She was still trapped inside him, refusing to let go, but he would force himself to go forward.

He looked out across the water, desperately clinging to her scarf, his heart crumbling into a thousand pieces as he silently let her go…..

Chapter 14

~Sanem~

Sanem had CeyCey and her childhood friend Muzo with her there at the farm. CeyCey still believed in her and protected her as much as he could. It was the least he could do for his friend, after all she had been through. Her book had been sold all over the world and her busy schedule hadn’t allowed her much time to sit and relive the past, so she buried it all deep inside her, but at times there was no holding it back, especially if she visited her parents, and her old neighborhood. It always seemed to stir up those old feelings, the walk to the sea and her favorite spot on the rocks was the one place she that always sent her over the edge. So her visits there became less and less over the months, and with the fact of Emre living there, it posed a lot of pain and heartache for them all when she came. 

Her life seemed to have changed so much with the arrival of Yigit into her life. She wished she had listened to Can from the beginning, he had Yigit pegged from the start. But his was from jealousy, not the fact that Yigit had played such a dirty trick on her with the publishing of her book. Actually the worse part of her life was when Ms. Huma arrived in Istanbul, and she herself convinced Can to accept her back in his life. What a mistake that was, Huma took every opportunity to discredit and belittle Sanem. Can had never understood or believed her about his mother and how much she hated her. He simply dismissed it, telling her he didn’t care if his mother liked her or not, he loved her and that was all that mattered. But it wasn’t, Huma made Sanem’s life miserable, twisting and turning that  knife in her back with every chance she had.  

But that was all water under the bridge now, and Sanem was stronger for it, but her willingness to love again, to open her heart to someone else would simply be impossible. Can was her destiny, he was her soul, making her incapable of loving anyone else. So she let her work fill her life with strength, and her friends make her heart happy when she needed it. She had made a very profitable side business with her creams, making them in the small workshop behind her home. This smell had been the reason they found each other, she couldn’t turn her back on it, she wouldn’t. Her feeling for him hadn’t changed over the last months, but they had been put in perspective. She could survive without him, she could breath and her heart could beat, without him, but her soul would never be totally be happy without him….

~Can~

Days had pasted since he had entered that bookstore and had his world turned upside down again. He was sailing fast and hard around the southern coast of Africa, but he couldn’t run far enough to get her book out of his mind. He only thought he had come to terms with her, had accepted what she thought of him, but in fact it was all a farce, just the sight of her name had thrown him into a deep depression. The thought of Yigit making all her dreams come true, and the realization of him making all her nightmare a reality with his mistrust and jealousy, was almost more than he could comprehend. 

He had sailed into the Indian Ocean, moving aimlessly through the water. With his best calculations, he was sure he was close to Madagascar, it was probably the view of land he saw on the horizon, it was still miles away. He didn’t have any plans of docking there, his supplies were holding out well, and he had let the wind be his fuel. His head was still processing what had happened in Cape Town, so the thought of a reliving of that wasn’t something he wanted. The day was about as perfect as a day could be, with the gentle wind giving him just enough to stay the course. His heart had calmed down, with the acceptance of what his life was now. The voice inside him was quiet, not violently lashing out, not screaming or yelling all that he felt in his heart. He was where he should be, and this is where he would stay. 

He tossed out his anchor a short distance from the main island of Mahe, in the Seychelles islands. He would rest her for a few days, just drifting and letting his heart mend. He had been thinking about his Dad and Emre a lot lately. Looking at his calendar, he realized he had been gone from Turkey for over 8 months. He was sure his Dad was frantic in trying to find him, and the thought of bringing him this much pain didn’t make him feel good at all. But the time to return home may never come for him, that ability to let himself just sail back into the place he had always loved and the place that always made him feel worthwhile may never happen. He had lost the connection for home, that need to have a place, the desire to belong. Sanem had been all those things for him, and now she was gone, but never gone from his heart. This would be his home, the home that made him feel safe from heartache, the boat that had carried him away from the pain, giving him back to the solitude and loneliness that had always been his home. 

He watched the lights of the pier in the distance, and imagined the rush of people and tourist there. It made him nervous and uneasy to think about. If he needed to go ashore he would, but for only a quick trip to get some food items and water. He didn’t want to interact with people, they always demanded to much of him, making him feel like he had to explain himself. So he would rest out here on the boat until he needed to move on. He had nursed the reading of the books he bought in Cape Town, slowly covering each page with meaning. Rereading them over and over until he had them memorized. But the thought of going to another bookstore to buy more was out of the question. The nights still held a vigil to her, his dreams of their life that had been, their happiness, their heartbreak, this was all a part of him now. He had grown use to it, and welcomed it each night, it was almost like a consolation prize for loving her. A gift of remembering her and the love he had for her without the feeling of guilt. 

For some reason this night was special, he dreamed of the first time he proposed to her, it was at the cabin. His dream was vivid and exact, making him moan in his sleep, calling out her name, as he often did, to marry him. Her answer was always the same, no matter how many times he dreamed it, it was always the same. His heart breaking as the dream went on, turning into a nightmare. Yigit had appeared in his dream, he was taking Sanem away, pulling her away from the cabin as the fire flamed up burning her notebook. He was reaching for her, grasping for her hand, but the flames had come between them, blocking his view of her. The terror of it all made him sit upright, his body drenched in sweat, and his heart beating hard inside his chest. He was crying, the tears were actually falling down his face, making him rub his face hard with his hands. He took a deep breath…..

Would this ever end….

Would his heart ever get over her…..

He hoped and he prayed he never would…

Chapter 15

A couple days of slowly rocking and weaving in the ocean, and he seemed a bit more prepared to move on. Ready to let the wind do it’s job of taking him away, to carry him to another place of solitude. But first he needed to restock his supplies and let his feet touch the earth for a while. He swung the sails around, the wind would take him to the island of Mahe, to a small port town outside of Victoria. He didn’t need anything more than some water, and his supply of fresh fruit and vegetables. He had learned how to prepare of lot of pretty good dishes with nothing more than that.  The whole process took no longer than an hour, and he was ready to shove off again. As he made his way from the port and out into the main body of water, his mind once again thought of his Dad, and how he longed to see him. He had never gone anymore than a few months away on assignment without visiting him. He seemed to need to see Turkey, actually Istanbul, it was the place that made him feel the best. 

He sailed south, back down the African coast, back along the same route he had taken earlier. His head just seemed to be taking him there. He took the small channel of waterway between Africa and Madagascar this time, staying closer to land. The scenery was beautiful, he admired it as he took his time drifting along, something he hadn’t done before. After a few days he was nearing the town of Durban, a very highly populated town. The port was large and full of boats, he knew he didn’t want to stop there, but the sight of it was amazing. He traveled on down the coast towards Port Elizabeth, he mind clearing with everyday he kept sailing. It had been almost 3 weeks since he left the Seychelles Islands, his body was tired and needed a rest. The Cape of Good Horn was nearing, and after that he would be back out in the open Atlantic Ocean. He would stop somewhere close to Mossel Bay on the southern tip of Africa for a couple of days to rest, and prepare himself for the long trip on the Atlantic. 

He opted not to dock at the port, but just a ways out away from the pier. The lights from the pier and the music that always erupted along the long line of boats made him feel good. That was a new feeling, and the first time it had happened on this trip. He was happy to hear the sound of other people. He made an omelet from the last of his eggs, and filled it with vegetable, the smell of it made him hungrier. The taste of food seemed to be different as he dived into the plate of food, finishing it off and wishing for more. Maybe he was coming back from the dead, he thought, as a smile crept across his face. He took his empty plate to the galley and poured a small glass of wine. He had even limited himself on his intake of wine over the past few months, knowing that he needed his senses about him more than ever on this part of the journey. It was an unfamiliar part of the world, totally different from the Mediterranean Sea, or the Aegean Sea. The thought of those places made him want to see them, he felt homesick for the smell of those waters. He reached over and turned on his radio, leaning back against the railing relaxed and calm he thought, “ playing my favorite music and drinking a glass of wine, maybe I am going to make it.” 

It was late in the night, or early in the morning hours, he wasn’t sure which, when Sanem made her almost nightly  visit. But this time they were happy, laughing, playing in the snow. They had been sledding and he saved her from crashing, rolling and tumbling on the snow covered hill. It was like it happened just yesterday, so vivid and clear in his head. He opened his eyes with a smile on his face, half expecting to see her there. He laid there for a minute, his heart sinking back down to that feeling of regret. It was just a dream….but it felt so real, he could feel her still in his arms, as he sat up looking around realizing where he was. The music still played softly on his radio, and the stars were still scattered out across the sky like diamonds. But he wouldn’t be able to close his eyes again, not after that, not after that sound of her laughter, the smell of her body and the feel of her touch. His mind was playing tricks on him, it was making him feel and smell things that weren’t there. As he relived the dream over in his head, the thought of seeing her didn’t cause as much pain as before, he was even enjoying it, the thinking back on the times they were happy.

As the sun peeked its head up above the horizon, glowing like a ball of fire in the water, he took his pen and recorded the beginning of a new day. The time seemed to be passing by much quicker now, it was now February 12th. Hard to believe that another month had passed by, over a month since he had seen her book in the bookstore. The port town was calling to him, as he sat on the deck bench. He might as well to ashore and get it over with, he thought. He pulled up the anchor and fired up the motor to weave his way up to the pier, tying up in a slip on the end of the dock. There was a multitude of activity going on up and down the pier, a farmers market caught his eye as he exited his boat. He filled a bag with some freshly grown fruits and vegetables, he was sure he would be able to use all of them. His appetite had returned, and the thought of inventing some delicious recipes with the fresh food had him excited.

He walked further into the port town, exploring all the colors of it, the flavors and smells. He found the town center, and saw a large bazaar setup, full of everything imaginable. He wandered through, in awe of all the handmade items there. He stopped at a booth full of hair accessories, all handmade and beautiful. Ribbons, bows, combs and clips, all different colors, shapes and sizes. His eyes fell on a pair of clips for the hair, they were black with an albatross bird made out of bone attached to them. He couldn’t look away, his eyes filled with tears but he quickly wiped them away and picked them up. The young girl that was selling the goods asked if he would like to buy it, Can immediately said yes. She showed him how to attached it in his hair,  just the feel of it in his hair, for some reason had made him happy, happier than he had been in months. He paid, thanked the young girl and started to walk away, but stopped. He turned back looking at the remaining Albatross clip in the table, ” Ma’am I think I want the other one also, the mate to this one. They come as a pair, right.” Can asked her. He paid for the other clip and stuck it in his pocket, feeling it nestle down inside her scarf. 

His whole body had relaxed, he felt happy and calm. He started back toward the pier, with his last stop being for the water. 

The Albatross clip that was wrapped around a piece of his hair, had been a turning point in his recovery and his return to the living. On that impulse of buying the matching clip for Sanem, he had admitted to his heart that one day he may see her again…

If that day ever came,…he would be the one to place that clip in her hair….

Chapter 16

He rested for a few days off the coast of Mossel Bay. He took time to examined his life up to this point, realizing how much he was like his mother, the running away part anyway. As he looked back, he  saw a man he didn’t like very well, a man full of insecurities, fear of commitment and someone that expected much more from a person than they expected from him. He wanted to change, make his life simpler, make himself more accepting of who people were. Forgiveness, he wanted that in his life, he needed it, he needed to forgive and be forgiven. As he marked the calendar on February 20th, he wrote, “I’m shoving off from Mossel Bay, South Africa, 7:15 am on a new day in my life.”  He pulled up the anchor and fired up the motor, as he had done so many times before, but this time he felt like he knew where he was headed. He heart was lighter, his mind was clearer, he needed to get back to his home waters, the Mediterranean Sea. He wouldn’t fully be free until he returned back to his home.

He would take his time, letting the boat find its way. He may not return to Istanbul but he had to go back to the place he came from. As he moved out into the water, maneuvering the boat around through the channel, the thought of Sanem was never far from his mind. All the best of times were now filling his head, not the scene in the hospital after Yigits accident, not the times she told him to leave, not the times he had refused to listen to her, just the times they had loved each other. The time he had taken her fishing, that was one the best times they had together. She always was so believable, so trusting, in thinking her wishes would come true if the fish ate the paper. He sailed along the outer banks of Africa for a few days, dropping anchor a couple of times to just relax and reflect. The weather was cold, but it refreshed him, making him feel like he was still living. 

Sleep was still something that avoided him, but he needed that time to think. When the world around him was dark, that was the time he could see himself, that was the times he could evaluate his life, under the cover of a million stars. He felt like each star up there knew him, they had seen him and watched him each night, they had witnessed his life go by. If it be home in Turkey or off somewhere else in the world, these stars knew more about him than anyone else. But yet, they still shined each night, just as bright as the night before, just as welcoming as they always were. Maybe they were trying to tell him something, maybe they were telling him that each one of them could see his mistakes but would still shine on him. He smiled as he looked up, seeing the same stars she must be looking at made him  feel good, like maybe all wasn’t lost. His heart could still feel her there, she would never leave that place inside him. He had to forgive himself for all the things he had done, the anger, the jealously, the mistrust. He didn’t want that to be him anymore. He talked out loud to Sanem, to the stars, to the moon, vowing to change this feeling of insecurity. 

March 18th, nearing the Cape Verde Islands. That was his entry on his calendar that morning. He had been moving along slowly up the coastline, letting his heart grow stronger and stronger. His fuel was running low and so was his food and water, so a stop there would probably be in his best interest. He look on his map for the best spot, and picked Praia, on the island of Santiago. It had a large port, easy access and the town was a little smaller. He would get what he needed and maybe rest for a while, before continuing on toward the Strait of Gibraltar. He knew where he was headed, he was headed back where he belonged, back to the Mediterranean waters. Every fiber of his body had been tested, each emotion inside him had been stretched and imagined. Being anywhere else just didn’t make sense anymore. He had seen the world, from land and from water, but nothing would cure his heart, nothing like being home..

The need to return home had taken him by surprise, but the feeling was growing more and more each day, as he wrote on his calendar. April 2nd, I can see the coast of Morocco in the distance, the feeling of home is getting stronger. The lions rage inside him had faded, he had come into that time in his life that he accepted and respected the past. His life would still be unfulfilled, he would still think only of her, but this was his destiny, the way it was meant to be. He prepared the boat  for the trip through the Strait, his heart was pounding hard with excitement. He rounded the northern tip of Morocco and the view of the small channel of water took his breath. It was always a busy spot, with all the cargo and cruise ships passing through, but never a more welcomed site. He anchored there just off the main thoroughfare, he would rest for a while before making the transition from the Atlantic to the Mediterranean. He lower the sails, and watched as the wave of vessels came through. He would wait until morning before making his trip through the Strait, he would glide through just as the sun was rising. He wanted to start his new day in the waters of home, a place he knew well, this place that held his heart.

The stars were still shining brightly, as he drank his coffee on the stern of the boat. The lights from Tangier were quite visible in the distance, but his feeling of loneliness were just as strong as ever. He could see the first signs of the new day starting to show, so he quickly downed the last of his coffee and prepared to make the trip through. The morning was brisk so the jacket felt good, as he fired up the motor and idled out into the main channel of water. The majority of the larger boats had already made their trip through the evening before, so it was relevantly calm this morning. He felt his whole body tense, as he moved quickly in the water. He just wanted to pass through to the other side, the side that was calling to him to come home. The trip through the Strait took less than an hour, but it felt like he had just traveled a lifetime, as the first view of the coast of Spain and waters of home met him. He heart beat quickened, and he could feel the tears well up in his eyes…he pulled back on the throttle, slowing the boat down to a mere float. He gazed at these waters, the most beautiful waters he had ever seen.

He reached for the pen, and wrote on his calendar…..

April 5th, floating on the Mediterranean Sea….I’m home…..I have been to hell and back, but now I’m home…….

Chapter 17

Two Months Later….

The water was warm and inviting as he anchored just of the coast of Greece. He had slipped down into the water, emerging himself fully into the crystal blue water. He had never felt anything so relaxing. He floated around, making sure to stay close to the boat. He had found this perfect spot, it was just off of a small island in the Aegean Sea, fairly remote and with the most beautiful blue water he had ever seen. After a while of letting the water calm him, he climbed back up the ladder to the deck of the boat. He didn’t seem to have a care In the world, his mind was blank, as he laid out on the stern letting the sun dry him off. 

Since he had sailed back into the waters of the Mediterranean, his heart was happier and lighter. He felt more himself than he had in a year. Not that Sanem wasn’t still visible in his head, he still had his dreams of her almost on a nightly basis, he still talked to her like she was right there with him, but the pain that had cut so deeply into his soul seemed to be healing, glazed over from the acceptance of what he had done. He was inching ever so slightly back towards Istanbul, maybe it was a subconscious decision, he didn’t know but there he was only a short distance away from home. As he pulled up anchor that morning, it just seemed a natural thing to do, to head northeast to Turkey. The wind pushed him across the Aegean Sea at a pretty good clip, as he admired the scenery of the small out lying islands on the western coast of Turkey. 

His mind was in a daydream, thinking about the many times he had sailed through this part of the sea with his friend Lutfu, and how much he had taught him. Then just like that, in an instant, Sanem entered his head, vividly and without warning. But that’s the way it happened sometimes with her, she was always there ready to take him away from what ever was on his mind. She was smiling at him, with her arms wrapped around him tightly. He remembered this from the time she followed him to the resort, when he was trying to get away from her. He had decided to leave for the Balkan Mountains with Polen, but just hadn’t told her yet. She had given Fabri the formula to her cream, the smell that was his and his only. That had hurt him so badly that he couldn’t think of anything else but to run. But to go with Polen, that had been a blow to her, he knew it but couldn’t stop himself. Maybe he wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt him. Then everything else happened, Yigit hit her with his car sending her to the hospital, and the fear of something bad happening to her, or someone else trying to take what was his, hit him square in the face. 

He shook his head vigorously, trying to remove all those memories that haunted him. He tried to focused back on what he was doing, with the wind kicking up and a few dark clouds beginning to roll in from the south, it looked like he might be in for a rough ride. As the wind grew steadily stronger, the rigging on the main sail had released making the sail to loose. He would have to lower the sails and depend on the  motor to take him through the storm. These were the things that were dangerous out here on a boat alone, but he had to do it. With the sails down, and a line from the rigging broken, he knew he would have to stop for repairs very soon. He powered on across the water, fighting the waves as they pounded the sides of his boat. He knew he was getting close to Canakkale and had thought about stopping to visit his friend, but the storm made him think otherwise. 

This storm was bringing in a lot of rain, but the wind had slowed down some. Once he made it to that small channel of water between Canakkale and Eceabat, he would be protected. Then he would sail into the Sea of Marmara, a small body of water surrounded by land, and that would slow the storm dramatically. He fought the wind and the waves until he saw the lights from the pier at Canakkale, the place he had started this journey from a year earlier. As he moved into the narrow slit of water, the wind slowed and it became almost calm, but the rain still pelted him. The memories of that day he left this pier filled his head, the pain and hurt he felt still present inside him. But he had placed them in a spot deep inside his heart, he was a different man, a man that knew his mistakes and had changed them. 

He was well into this body of water when the storm passed and the sun returned. He moved his boat in the direction of  Tuzla. There was a place there that could fix the rigging on the sail, and then he could be on his way again. He was so close to Istanbul that it scared him, but made him feel good at the same time. The thoughts of home, his Dad and Emre, but most of all the thoughts of Sanem consumed him, yet he couldn’t let those feeling convince him to sail into that port that he knew so well. It was late in the afternoon when he backed his boat into the slip at the pier in Tuzla. He would have to stay overnight for them to be able to fix his problem, so he decided to fill his water and food supply while he waited. He walked to the market, admiring the quaint and beautiful town and comparing it to the other places he had seen over the course of the last year. They couldn’t hold a candle to the sight of this place. He passed a phone store on the way to the market, with a thought of buying another phone definitely in his head. He had gotten passed that desire of isolation, the need to hear his fathers voice was greater than he realized. He went on to the market for the necessities and on his way back to the boat he stopped to buy the phone. It felt strange, but it felt like it was something he had to do. It took a awhile for him to get the phone up and running but it made him feel good to hold a phone again.  

On instinct he grabbed his pen and wrote on the calendar, ” June 5th, bought a phone today, I’m in Tuzla, so close to home.” The calendar was full of the events of his travels, the feelings he had, the thoughts that had helped him get through this time in his life. This would be the hardest time of all, when he had to leave here and sail past the place he wanted to be more than anywhere else.

He looked at the stars from the stern of the boat, how different they seemed. He remembered Sanem asking him once if he had chosen a star for himself…..

He laid there reminiscing about it for a minute, then realized….

She was the only star in his life……and he had chosen her.

Chapter 18

He woke early, still lying on the hard shell of the boat. The noise of the pier just starting, as the fishermen were preparing to sail out to and make their living. He went below to make his coffee, but even after a year, the desire for a cup of Turkish tea was still vivid in his mind. He would have given anything if she was there to brew them a cup of it. He poured his coffee and smiled, it was funny how he still didn’t like the taste of that coffee, but he still made it every morning. Maybe he was still punishing himself with the coffee, forcing it to become his morning starter….could be  he thought. He washed his face and ran his fingers through his long unkept hair, grabbed his coffee and climbed the ladder back to the deck. The air smelled so good as he sucked it in through his nose. Ahhh, nothing like this fresh air from the Sea of Marmara, it was like no place else. He found his pen and wrote on the calendar, June 6th, getting the boat repaired in Tuzla then I’ll be on my way. 

He wanted to take a walk around town while they were fixing the rigging, just to stay out of their way. He started off toward the market again to pickup some fresh bread and a journal to write in. It thought it might be better than writing in that small space on the calendar. The town was busy with people hurrying around, that still made him feel nervous. After being alone out on the water for so long all this activity seemed unnecessary. The thought of the agency entered his head, and all the times that the chaos of the business seemed perfectly normal. He could hear Deren yelling and barking her orders at everyone, and of course CeyCey excessive craziness. The thought of CeyCey made him smile, he missed him, that one person that had a knack of making him laugh. 

He walked back toward the pier and his boat, back to the only home he knew now. The memories were beginning to eat away at him, so the quicker he could leave here the better. They had just finished the repairs when he arrived, telling him he was good to go. He paid them, thanking them for getting it done so quickly. Now he just had to make himself start up the motor and leave, move out across the water and away from his home again. For some reason he was hesitant, putting it off, doing things he wouldn’t have normally done before pushing that button to start the engine. He went below for the third time to make sure everything was secure before shoving off. He grabbed the scarf that was lying neatly folded on his bunk, and stuffed it in his pocket. He made sure the scarf was always with him when he was took the wheel of the boat. He climbed the ladder back to the deck, his heart as heavy as it had ever been.

He jumped, startled by a person sitting there on the deck bench. “Aunt Remide, what the hell are you doing here.” He wasn’t sure if it was real or a trick that his mind was playing on him, was she really there. She smiled, “Can, I could ask you the same question, what are you doing.” She had completely shocked him by her presence, ” How did you know I was here.” He asked, surprised she had found him, but not at all disappointed. “It’s been a year son, your father has been frantic about you, so I hired a detective, he reported to me that you were here, so….here I am.”  Can smiled, knowing that this woman would have done anything for his Dad. They had been close friends for many years. 

The next hour was spent with Ms. Remide telling him all the news from home, the fall of the agency. How Emre lost everything including their home, but had left out the most important person in the world to him. ” You’re home now Can, go see your father, make him at peace.” She told him, patting him on the hand. He shook his head, ” No, auntie, I’m not home, I just stopped for repairs. They are done now so I’ll be on my way.” Her eyes looked at him with a disappointment, “You owe it to your Dad to see him one last time. You know his health problems. If you don’t see him now, you may never get another chance.” The words hit him hard and straight in the heart, as he felt the tears surface in his eyes. She stood to  leave, giving him a huge hug, ” Don’t let my hard work of finding you be for nothing, your father is back in Istanbul, please see him before you sail off to some far away place. It may be the last time.” 

She reached into her bag and pulled out a small book wrapped in brown paper and tied neatly with a ribbon, ” Here, this is for you. Even though you didn’t ask about her, I will tell you. She is quite famous now, a world known author. But from what I hear, a very lonely and determined person.” She laid the book on the table and walked down the walkway to the dock, turning back to look at him, ” Running won’t fix it Can, not a love like you have.” And then she was gone, disappearing into the crowd of people that was on the pier.

He hadn’t realized how long he had sat there staring at the pages in the book, until the lights of the pier came on. He looked around seeing that the day had changed to night, and he hadn’t even noticed. For the first time in months his body was relaxed, as he slid down on the bench and closed his eyes. He slept all night, a peaceful sleep, not one full of dreams or demons. 

He was awake at first light, his mind clear and his heart happy for the first time in a year. He had decided….he would go to Istanbul to see his Dad. He fired up the motor, and as it was warming up, he took his pen and wrote on the calendar…

June 7th, it’s funny how your heart has a way of changing your mind…

He floated out into the channel of water, veering right toward Istanbul. He picked up his phone and called his Dad..

“Ahoy Captain, I’m sailing to Istanbul, I’m coming to see you for a day or two….

Dad, I’m coming home…….

3 thoughts on “On His Journey To Forget”

  2. I’ve just finished the Promise series and the first part of this series. I could read these stories over and over again and never tire of them. Thank you Miss Virginia for hours of happiness.♥️

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