Memories… Some Last A Lifetime

by grannydew, posted in The Memories Series

Chapter 1

Sanem is facing the battle of Cans’ memory, or the lack of his memory. All of the love she had for him can’t fix what he doesn’t have for her..He is distant and unresponsive to all of the situations that she relives with him, trying to spark something in his brain. A new client has shown a great deal of interest in Can, and as usual Can is blind to the whole thing. Sanem can only sit back and watch and try to intervene her advances. Woman art cosmetics has taken an interest in Sanem’s cream and purchased the formula for a huge amount of money.  Aicha is the niece of the CEO of the company, he asked her to take the account over for him. Her and Can have a lot in common, they are adventurous and travel the world fulfilling their desire for their freedom. Sanem is having a hard time competing with what Aicha has to offer.  

After a girls night with Meriban, of drinking too much wine and being rude to Can, the next evening she decided to take two teas up to Cans house for a peace offering. She needed to apologize for her actions. As she approached his back patio, she heard loud talking and laughing. She turned, going around the back of his house and saw he had a group of people at his table. She stopped short and thought about turning back, but Can noticed her and invited her in. Reluctantly she stayed. It was Aicha and her group of mountain climbing friends. They were sharing stories of all their experiences they had on their trips. Can was beaming, laughing and talking about his adventures. It seemed they were planning a climb after the campaign for the cream was final. Sanem was confused and couldn’t believe he was leaving. Can told the group he needed to get away, the last months had taken a toll on him. A little embarrassed that he is talking about a trip like that in front of Sanem, he invites her to come along..He asked his new friends if they had any objections about Sanem coming along. They welcomed her to join them, but Aicha was a bit disappointed that Can extended her an invitation. She had hoped to have Can all to herself for a few weeks. His friends got up to leave, vowing to finalize their plans quickly. 

Sanem was clearly upset and embarrassed at the invite. Telling Can it was obvious that she wasn’t in his heart or his thoughts. Can confused said “I thought we talked about this, I am trying to remember, but it’s not easy…Sanem stated, her voice dripping with sadness, ” Yes, we talked about things but didn’t decide anything. You’re guilty and trying to end this ” so called”relationship.” ” You really don’t need to bother. “she spouted. She turned to leave but Can stopped her, pulling her close, he felt his desire grip him. It was no secret, he was drawn to her, she was beautiful, smart and quite unusual. But the love thing, he just didn’t get. She stopped him as he tried to kiss her, “Truly Can, it’s not necessary. ” ” I don’t want it. “ she whispered. Reeling around, she walked back to her house…She had humiliated herself for the last time. Things had to change.

Can was wondering how this was ever going to work. His memory had evaded him, and everything that he was being told about their love had not stirred his heart.  He read the book of their love and all the troubles they had gone through, still it didn’t awake the feelings within him. Maybe going on this climb would let his mind rest and he could open up what had been locked. He needed to get back to him, from what he had been told, the life he had led the past 2 years was far from what his life was like before.  

Sanem cried herself to sleep that night, knowing she must move on with her life, but she had no life without him. Her existence depended on his love to carry her through. What will happen when he doesn’t want to remember her and their love. She cried, ” How can such a deep love as we had, be erased without a trace. The mind is wonderous thing, it can protect us from what we fear to remember. Her heart had to prepare for just such a thing, be strong and let him go. She had feared this throughout their relationship. Make your plans and move on…

As Can tries to continue the reality of his life he feels them drifting further apart.  With the campaign for her cream done, all the loose ends are getting tied up. Sanem keeps her distance and has lost the bubbly and outgoing personality she once had…they seem strained. In making her own plans, she finds a strength she didn’t realize she had. She quietly sat and listened as Can and Aicha planned the climbing trip, excitement raging between them. Aicha had been quite happy that Sanem declined the invitation to accompany them. The reaction from Can when she told him she she wouldn’t come with them, was more of relief than disappointment. But Can was worried about her and the change in her over the past days. 

Emre advised Can not to go, feeling it might hurt his recovery, let alone the damage that it could do to Sanem. Can spouted, ” I not sure what you’re talking about Emre, ” I’m feeling fine physically, and as far as Sanem is concerned, there’s not much of a relationship right now..she is not herself lately , and honestly it might be better that I go.” Emre pleaded, ” I think you’re making a big mistake, but you always do what you want, no matter the consequences. ” 

The night before Can was to leave, he went to Sanem’s house. Can again asked, ” Sanem are you sure you won’t come with us? ” You still have time to get ready. ” Sanem smiled and shook her head, ” No Can, I’ll be fine, you don’t need me tagging along after you. Go have your fun with your new friends. “ “ That’s not how I meant it, and you know it, Sanem. ” Can scowled. He gave her a hug, ” I’ll be back in 2 weeks, you get some rest, and maybe the separation will do us good. ” His excitement for the trip oozing from him.  He told her, ” I will text or call if possible. ” He hurried out, waving as he went across the lawn. 

 She waved, fighting back the tears, knowing she would not be there when he returns.

She cried all night.

Heartbroken, she watches him leave the next morning with his friends. How will I survive what I have to do.

Chapter 2

Sanem packed for the rest of the day, along with her bouts of crying. ” Why did it have to be so hard. We have been through so much already. ” she mumbled. Thinking back on it, there seemed to be more bad times then good. The year he was gone reduced her to a mere ghost of herself. The survival of that almost didn’t happen. The time in the hospital plagued her but she fought back, able to resume a certain realm of sanity from it. 

The night lingered and she didn’t sleep, facing the fact it was her last few hours to live there, the place that saved her and healed her mind. It was going to be hard to leave Meriban, she had become her family. She didn’t like change but that seemed to be all she had been doing the past two years. Her new life was waiting for her, it may not have Can, but whatever it did hold, she was determined to embrace it. Her writing would keep her sane and her memories would keep her happy.

She had gone to pay the deposit on her new apartment, then CeyCey was helping her with the boxes. He remained a true and devoted friend to her through it all. The sadness he felt for Sanem and Can both was heartbreaking. He loved Sanem as a sister and would do anything for her. He would keep this secret with her and not divulge any information that she didn’t want him to. They were moving the boxes into her apartment, she only had a few, mainly clothes. Her phone pinged, “ Oh, it’s Can. ” she stated.  It read, ” We are here, things are fine. “ She blinked away the tears that were forming and replied. “ Have fun. ”  Ceycey wrapped his arms around her, letting her lean on him emotionally while she cried.                                                                                          

The text seemed so bland and ordinary; it was empty.

With the move complete and things partially straightened, Ceycey left to go back to work. Sanem decided to go immediately and hand in her resignation letter. One more thing to make it official. Leila was having a hard time excepting her decision, so seeing her at the agency would be emotional. Her sister thought she should give Can more time to recover, not make a hasty decision. No one understood the pain and hurt she endured each day, watching Can return to his old life, the life that didn’t include her.. This is the way it had to be.

Emre excepted her resignation with regret and hesitation. Knowing full well the part he had played in the destruction of Sanem. They had since repaired their flawed relationship and become friends and family. With tears he asked her if she was sure in what she was doing. ” Emre, I know if I don’t do this now, I will be back in the mental hospital within a month. “ she mumbled. ” This is really for the best. “. Emre asked, ” What do I tell Can went he gets home? ” She laughed, ” Tell him I’ve gone to restart my life, ” she gave him a hug, then Leila and as she left, she waved and blew kisses to everyone. When Can came home she realized she would have to tell him why she had made this decision, and she would.

She had never stayed alone, like really alone. At the farm there was Denise and Meriban always around. She cherished the thought of it, thinking of the empowerment she felt to be in control of her own happiness. She picked up a few necessities at the market on her way back to her apartment. She could have whatever she wanted, that made her feel good. Not having to worry about the money aspect had freed her to concentrate on her writing. She had a quick bite and settled in to write a few chapters. The roller coaster of a life she had been on the past days had proven to be exhausting. She fell asleep, a deep sleep that unleashed the dreams she hated to have. This one was vile and hurtful, Can was dismissing her like she was a servant, laughing and shooing her out of the door, saying ” I can’t imagine what I ever saw in you. You are so childish and juvenile acting.” Then the laughing and laughing. She woke in a sweat, crying, confused as to where she was, then she realized, “It was just a dream, that really didn’t happen. “ she looked at her phone, it was 3:00am. ” Wow I completely passed out. “ She changed into her PJ’s and got in bed. Sleep was definitely over for her tonight. She thought. She was finishing her third chapter as she saw the daylight seep in around the curtains. ” Well, I made it through the first night, only a billion more to go. “

The morning made her feel better, she was definitely a morning person, it came from opening up the grocery store all those years for her dad. She made tea and scrambled her some eggs, that was pretty safe couldn’t mess that too much.  She cleaned the kitchen and got dressed. Her mind held on to the roving thoughts of Can and how much fun he was having without her. She knew it wasn’t his fault he lost his memory of her, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.. She must had done something bad somewhere in her life to be put in this much pain. 

A walk would be nice, she thought, get to know your neighborhood.  Maybe you will meet someone interesting that you can write about in your book.  She took the afternoon and roamed the streets around her apartment. This wasn’t like her little neighborhood, no one paid any attention to her, no one waved and said, “ Good Afternoon, Sanem. “ My how her life was so different from the city life..

Exhausted, she made her way back home and up the stairs. She made her dinner, took it out to the small balcony, that had a little round table and one chair. Her loneliness surrounded her, she had to hold on, if she didn’t, the loss would be her soul and then she knew her heart would die…..

Chapter 3

Every muscle in his body ached, although he was fit and probably more fit than most. The grueling ordeal of climbing tested each fiber of your body. He was exhausted but having the time of his life. The group was fun, he usually did his climbing alone just because he had preferred it that way. This was a new feeling for him, that feeling of tolerating people, enjoying the company of others. As far back as he could remember, he sought solitude, the only time he felt like himself. It sheltered him from the hurt of his childhood. Learning at an early age that you were the only one to make yourself happy. Yet, here he was, enjoying the outdoors with six people that he barely knew.

They had reached a resting point, he needed to catch his breath. Squatting down, gazing at the vast scenery, it made him think of home. Was he feeling homesick? ” No, I’m not homesick, I’ve never been homesick.” He wrestled with the thought. Aicha came and sat beside him, always there, and always attentive. She looped her arm with his and put her head on his shoulder. It took him by surprise and shifted his body away from her, thinking how uncomfortable that it had made him. She smiled at him, but he couldn’t return the smile, and was looking at her with a blank stare.. ” It’s ok Can, this can be whatever you want this to be, I just want you in my life. ” she stated.  

Can took a deep breath, ” Look Aicha, my life is complicated right now and the fact that I don’t remember the last two years of my life has hindered my ability to make any decisions of this type.” Please don’t take this the wrong way, but although my heart may not know Sanem right now, my mind is still searching for her. Do you understand what I’m saying. “ He asked, scanning her face for her acceptance. Her look said she wouldn’t give up, but she told him she understood his predicament, ” Sometimes things happen for a reason, and you must except that and move on, or you might miss out on what was supposed to be. “ she whispered, leaning close to his ear and lingering there for a minute.  He didn’t move or respond, she got up, put her hand on his shoulder in a gesture of beckoning him to follow her, as she walked away. His mind was racing, had he been suggestive to her? He didn’t need or want this right now. ” Oh man, I’ve got a headache now and don’t know if I’ll ever get rid of it. “ he thought.  

Four days down and six more to go, all he wanted was a exhilarating workout, that would give him time to clear his mind. Maybe it was a mistake.. The feeling resembled that of having cheated on someone,  it had him confused. They continued on with the climb but the enjoyment factor diminished somewhat,  with the constant looks from Aicha.  

They reached a spot that had a bit of cell service, he felt the need to send a text to Sanem. He wrote, “ Having a blast but a little out of shape see you soon. “ He knew Sanem had reservations about Aicha, but he never took her seriously. Figured she was just jealous and left it at that. The thought of going home filled his mind and almost made him sorry he had agreed on the trip. Just four more days…His phone pinged with a response. ” Glad you’re having fun ”    

Sanem had been busy writing every day, but she knew she needed to find a job, just for something to fill her days and to be around other people. Her inner voice had become her best friend, but she didn’t think that was the way it was supposed to be. On that day Leila was coming for lunch, she was getting take-out because she knew Sanem’s cooking skills all too well. She was excited to see her apartment. Ceycey had told her it was a splendid place, but she needed to see for herself.  They lounged on the sofa, devouring the sandwiches Leila had brought. She was proud of her sister, what she had been through would have broken most people, but Sanem was a special type, stronger than even she herself knew. Smart in common sense and in imagination. So unique, but Sanem never saw that in herself. They talked about the agency and all the gossip, Leila begged her to come back to work but Sanem refused saying, “ It’s time for me now, I have to  stand up for me. Make my life what I want it to be.“ She sounded so sure, but inside she doubted, always doubting.. They hugged and kissed, she told Leila to give mom and dad a big hug from her, as Leila started back to work. That had been a nice break in her day. She was for sure now that she needed to get that job. She had missed talking to other people….

The afternoon always found her wandering the streets around her apartment.  She studied the actions of the other people around and tried to imagine their story in life.  Her walk carried her a couple of blocks further and she found a small coffee shop. Although coffee had never been her drink, the sign in the window called to her. There it was….” Help Wanted ” It was perfect, just what she was looking for. She marched in and asked to speak to the manager, the girl behind the counter smiled, “ Hi, I’m Maya,  the day manager. ” How can I help you. ” She asked. Sanem smiled, ” I’m here to apply for the job, “ she turned and pointed to the sign in the window. ” Do I talk to you? “ Maya wiped her hands and came out from around the counter. Holding out her hand to greet her, she beamed, “Yes, you sure do, and your name? ” All of a sudden Sanem was nervous, she stuttered” I’m Sanem, my name is Sanem, I live a few blocks from here, pleased to meet you. ” Maya motioned for them to sit at the table nearby.  She had taken an instant liking to this girl, she seemed sincere. The job wasn’t rocket science, so the experience wasn’t a factor. The vibe of someone guided her when it came to filling a position. ” Have you had much experience brewing coffee? “ she quizzed. Quickly Sanem blurted, ” No, in fact I’m not much of a coffee drinker, I prefer tea.”

Sanem smiled thinking, ” I probably shouldn’t have said that…”

Chapter 4

“Well that was easier than I thought, when do I start? ” Sanem asked smiling. Maya laughed, ” How about Wednesday, can you be here at 7:00 am? We will fill out the paperwork then. ” Sanem agreed, with a smile. This is great, I’m really doing this. She walked back to her apartment, taking notice of how long it took for the walk so she wouldn’t be late for work. Her phone rang just as she arrived home. It was her Mom, ” Hello momma, how are you? ” Mevkibe was very protective of her daughters, having Sanem living in the city brought her anxiety. With much excitement Sanem told her mom about the job, just how perfect it was and how close it was to her house.. Her mother told her how happy she was for her. They talked for a few minutes, before Mevkibe asked her if she had heard from Can. Sanem informed her that he had texted her a couple of times, and she did reply. Mevkibe was hoping the problems between the two would quickly work themselves out. Although she was upset with Can for going off on this climbing trip with things in such a turmoil with Sanem.. Promising her mother she would take care of herself, they hung up.   

Her dinner was a light one, just a salad and tea. She had to finish the next few chapters of the book. With the book almost halfway finished, she felt her inspiration was at it’s peak. She had one day before she would start her job, and her time to write would come just in the evenings. She ate and cleaned her dishes, settling down to write, her mind recalled the times that she was trying to write her first book and Can offered a multitude of things to help her get inspired. He wouldn’t have any memory of things like that, the little things that meant so much to her. The yearning for him was so strong she thought her chest would burst. She knew that part of her life was over, but the constant replays gave her peace.

Her excitement ran high on Wednesday, with the walk taking approximately 15 minutes, she wanted to be out the door by 6:40. She arrived in record time, Maya was already there, getting things set up.. First, they did the paperwork, then a brief rundown of how everything worked. The other person that worked there was Selim, he was a little younger than Sanem. They hit it off, he showed the ropes, it was all pretty easy. Maya was great, very hands on in teaching her the different recipes for the coffee. The first day turned out to be more than she expected.. Toward the end of her shift Maya called her to the back, thinking she did something wrong,  she was nervous. ” Sanem, are you Sanem Aydin the author? ” she inquired shyly. ” Yes, ” Sanem answered. ” Is that a problem?” She was scared to hear the answer..” No, No. ” she blurted, ” Just one of our customers recognized you and brought it to my attention. I was just wondering why you chose to work here, when you are a famous author. ” Sanem explained her situation, and the fact she was in the middle of her second book. She needed a diversion from her writing part of the day and had decided to get a part time job. Maya relayed how happy they were to her there with them.  

She also extended an invitation for her to join Selim and herself sometime after work for a drink. Occasionally they would go over to this popular club and have some fun. Sanem said she would definitely think about it. She made her way home, more tired than she thought she would be, stretched out on the sofa, and played the day over in her hear. It was actually a lot of fun… 

 Letting her mind wander to Can, as she remembered he would be arriving home on Saturday, she would have to tell him why she moved out, that is, if he even cared.. This time apart might have been what he needed to close the door on the last 2 years of his life. That meant moving away from her and what he didn’t remember. With the tears filling her eyes at the thought, and the ache in her heart preparing her for the worst, she reached for her tablet to write. She seemed to put her words down better when she felt the heartache..

The next two days had been a lot of fun. Getting to know the customers, many were regulars that came every day. Several of them recognized her and asked for her to autograph their book. All in all, she felt like she was finally living. They invited her to join them at the club downtown on Friday night, her first answer was no, but then she reconsidered and accepted. The club was a little farther than the coffee shop, but not fad. She told them she would meet them there. Maya was elated, ” Be there at 8:00, it doesn’t start getting to be fun until after 10:00.” Sanem contemplated staying out that late but thought she could leave when she was ready. Don’t close yourself off, she told herself, it’s ok to have fun…

They were right, it didn’t start getting fun until 11:00pm, by then Sanem was past ready to go home. She endured it until 12:00 and then said her goodbyes and went to catch a taxi home. It was definitely fun, but not what Sanem had been used to. It will take some practice learning how to have fun..

It didn’t take long to go to sleep that night. She woke at 7:30 and felt like she’d slept the day away. She showered and fixed her breakfast, trying to keep Can from entering her mind. ” Wonder what time they are due back? “ Will he call her immediately or not bother to try and find her? “ she questioned. All the uncertainties roamed around her head, like a bad dream. Her imagination was going wild, it was about to throw her into a panic attack..

They dropped Can off at the farm about 3:00 in the afternoon. Glad to be home and get to rest, he quickly unpacked his bag. Time to get a good hot shower and fresh clothes. Within 30 minutes he felt like a new man. He dumped his laundry in the washer and got them started. The mail had stacked up but he would look through that later, he made his way down to Sanem’s. The door was shut, which was hardly ever the case, and it was locked. He looked in and saw the furniture was all covered. What’s going on? he thought. He walked to Meriban’s but also no one home. Had they gone on a trip? No, Sanem would have told me. He reaches for his phone and dials her number. No answer… A text then…

“Hey, I’m home, your house is locked and the furniture is covered. Where are you. Call me…………”

Chapter 5

Can went back to his house to wait for her to call. Confused and upset, he tried to piece it together. His trip had been fun but this nagging pull for him to return home had plagued it the majority of the time. Not being able to explain the feelings he was experiencing, or the need to see Sanem was frustrating to say the least. This being in limbo condition, and not understanding why, was driving him crazy. Had he really missed her. The whole meaning of the trip was to clear his mind, but instead it fill his mind more of her. Why hasn’t she called back?

Sanem read the text for 100th time. Shouting at herself, ” You have to call, it’s only right. He doesn’t really care, he just texted to be polite.” After 30 minutes she rang his number, he answered on the first ring. ” Sanem, hey, what’s going on? Where are you? “ He blurted. She tried to talk but her words were hard to form. He asked again, ” Where are you? You sound strange, do you want me to come and get you? Sanem, you need to talk to me. “ Her courage to tell him what she had done, was slowly disappearing. She could hear her voice talking but it seemed like it was coming from someone else. ” Can I have moved away from the farm, ” she stammered. ” I have an apartment in the city, I think it’s better this way. You know, not so much pressure on you. ” She could feel the tears sting her eyes, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. There was a silence, a very awkward silence, and then Can said, ” You moved away? Ok, I see. And you think it would be better? Are you saying better for me or for you, Sanem?” His voice was low and she could tell he was upset.  She explained, ” You seemed to be under a lot of pressure with me there all the time, making you feel like you had to remember. This will free you from the guilty and let you get on with your life. ”  

Can was having a hard time processing what he was hearing. She was making all these decisions about him or for him, without consulting him at all. Sanem was rambling on about his need to find his old self again, not making any sense. Can shouted, ” Enough Sanem, that’s enough! Why are you doing this? I want to know, now. Without asking what I want, you made these choices, am I right ? Well I will make a decision for you without asking. You can move right back here to the farm, NOW!! Give me the address and I’ll come pick you up! ” Sanem was shocked, unable to speak. Can shouted again, ” Sanem, I’m waiting for the address.” She stated, ” Can, I’m not moving back, and I didn’t make all these choices just for you, they are for me too. We have had many obstacles in our relationship, but this is the biggest one and perhaps the most costly. Watching the change in you, from the Can I fell in love with to the Can that couldn’t believe that he would have fallen in love with ME, hurts too much, my heart and soul can’t take it.” She cried. 

Can wiped away the tears as she revealed her deepest feelings and fears. He hadn’t put himself in her place. Maybe what he felt for her did stem from guilt, he knew she aroused a part of him but was that enough. After a minute Can said, ” Let’s at least get together and talk this over, not on the phone. I’ll come to you place, we can figure it out. ” he begged. Sanem dug down to the depth of her heart and said, ” Can, I don’t think I can do that. Talking won’t do any good and seeing you will rip my heart. Let’s just leave it at this, Ok.” Can asked for the address to her apartment, but she refused to give it. Can mumbled, “ It doesn’t have to be like this, you’re just giving up on us and on me, denying the fact I could get my memory back at any moment. I know it’s been hard but this was not what I wanted. “ Finally she agreed to give it a chance, to see what happened and they would talk later. He was exhausted and emotionally drained.  

Sanem never told him that she had resigned from the agency two weeks prior, so that would bring another wave of anger when he found out. After the call she sat there for what seemed like hours. ” I feel me slipping away, this is just going to be too hard. ” He sounded so rejected, I don’t know what to do.” She mumbled. I want my life back, the life that made me happy. The anguish tore through her leaving her weak and tired, but she knew that sleep would evade her that night. She remembered the bottle of wine she had bought on the first day she moved in, I think it’s time to have a drink… or two. 

Can took a run and worked out for about 2 hours, trying to expel all the crazy emotions going on inside of him. He showered again and poured a glass of whiskey. Why did she decide to do this now, his feelings were all over the place, it’s like his ability to reason had been marred. Come on just try it like this for a few days and see what happens, it’s not like you’re never going to see her again, she’ll be at the office on Monday. He had a couple more drinks and went to bed. Her dream stayed with him all night. They were at this creepy old house hanging bird houses, and she read him a poem about her boyfriend.. it doesn’t make sense…

When he woke the next morning, he knew he had dreamt the whole thing. But reality set in and his heart remembered.

The pain of losing something you didn’t remember you had, is just as painful as remembering what you lost.

Chapter 6

As he woke the first thought that came was of Sanem. The sleep that was provided by the glasses of whiskey he had, left him still tired and empty. But empty of what, that’s the question that invaded his mind. His hurry to return home and pick up on his life as he knew it, had been met with a yet another challenge. The feeling of being blindsided was all he could think of. He had hoped to share the adventure of the mountain trip with her when he arrived yesterday, but instead, he returned to a new problem and a whole new range of emotions.

He made his tea, had a light breakfast of toast and fruit, then sat to make his plans for the day. His head was in a fog, everything that came to his thoughts to do that day seemed to involve her. Sanem. He started to walk, to try and clear his head. He walked around he farm, down the road towards Meriban’s, then he took the path into the woods. As he ventured further down the trail, the smell of the wildflowers met him. ” That is her smell. ” He reminisced. That smell that made his heart flutter, he knew it had meant something in their relationship from reading the book, but the reason it had captured his heart was avoiding him. After a couple of hours of roaming the grounds he sat down on the steps of her house, thinking, maybe he was trying too hard. Maybe she was right, the need to remember was pressing on him, he needed to relax and let things happen naturally.  

Sanem hadn’t sleep and felt the effects of it. Her mind couldn’t focus on her writing, so she decided to take her walk a little earlier than usual. She took the same way as always, she had become accustomed to the area and it made her feel safe.. Although the city was large and spread out, her neighborhood was quiet and calm. The coffee shop was closed, but she walked there anyway, just looking and teaching herself that this was to be her new look on life. Let the new beginnings be positive and full of promise. As she started back to her place, the feeling of her old life took over and when she stopped, she was standing in front of of Fikri Harika. ” This is where it all began, “My heartache, My happiness, My life. “ she wept.  

She wondered if anyone had ever died from a broken heart…

Her apartment was only six blocks from the agency. In her heart of hearts, she thought, ” Had she choose that apartment just for the location? ” But she knew she would need to remain as she was, at least for now. Just to feel that he was close, would have to be enough… It was late in the afternoon when she returned home, tired and drained emotionally. Her book hadn’t crossed her mind as she walked. She was ahead of schedule on it so she could relax a bit.. She tried to eat, but the taste for food was gone. She took a hot shower, dressed in her PJ’s, and curled up in bed. The lack of sleep from the night before and the extended walk in the afternoon, allowed her body to welcome what it needed.  Her sleep entertained the thoughts of Can, and the happiness of when they first met. That second day in the office as she ridiculed the new boss. Little did she know that he would be the man that would bind her heart and soul together forever.

She woke to her alarm going off. That happened on a rare occasion. This may prove to be a rough day she thought. She quickly dressed and ate. Making her tea for her to-go tumbler, to take with her, she started her walk to work. Thankfully the weather was beautiful, but when it wasn’t she would have to take a taxi. Mondays were always busy, with people hurrying to start the work week. She loved the customers; they were very supportive and constantly ask about her new book. At the end of the her shift, Maya asked if she was ok. She assured her things were fine but avoided direct eye contact. Her new friend had quickly learned to read her moods. ” Ok. ” she said, “but if you need to talk, I’m here. And I can keep a secret. ” she winked and continued on with her work. Maya reminded her of Ayhan. She missed her childhood friend, they solved many problems together, but as of lately she hadn’t offered a lot of support for her and Cans’ problems. Her solution was to, ” Kick him to the side and get on with your life girl. “ And in a way that’s what she had done, but It would have been nice to hear some regret in her voice.. As she walked home from the coffee shop, she wondered how Can took the news of her resignation. She thought that her sister might had called her to let her know, but she hadn’t received any calls. As she looked at her phone, she saw her phone was on silent… Oh no, ten missed calls, four voicemails and six texts… all from Can…

Can arrived at the office a little late, still groggy from the trip and his lack of sleep. Emre met him with a big hug, ” Hey abi, when did you get home? “ he shouted. ” I made it in  on Saturday afternoon. ” Can said. ” Sorry I didn’t call but it was a little tense at home. Where’s Sanem, has she not come in yet? “ Emre braced himself for the eruption that was about to happen. It seemed that everyone in the office was doing the same. Deren cautiously enter his office, ” Can, welcome back. I trust you had a good trip. ” She stuttered. Leila had entered his office also. They all stood there fidgeting and looking at each other. Can looked from person to person, trying to figure out what was happening. He waved his arms in a questioning gesture, ” Ok, what’s going on? You all look like you’ve been sentenced to the firing squad. “ “Brother,” Emre started. ” Stay calm, but we need to tell you something. Sanem resigned two weeks ago. ”  

His heart pounded as the words rang painfully in his head. Why did she not tell him?

His eyes clouded and rimmed with tears, as he scanned each of them. 

” Is that right?” His voice low and full of emotion. He eyes searched each one of them, “So which one of you are going to tell me where she is?”

Chapter 7

Sanem gasped at the missed phone calls and texts from Can.  She listened to the voicemails first. ” Sanem I just found out you resigned from the agency. Why!! Call me” …The second voicemail…..” Sanem I’m still waiting on the phone call. ” The third voicemail…..” Sanem stop being childish, please call me. “… The fourth voicemail ” Sanem, please. ” She closed her eyes, hearing the desperation in his voice, she knew he wasn’t going to give up. He would have to understand that her phone was on silent and she didn’t hear his calls. She hurried home, got comfortable and called his phone. On the second ring, “ Well finally you decide to call me back, What’s up Sanem, why didn’t you tell me you quit the agency right after I left? “ Can demanded.  She tried to stay in control and not get on the defensive, ” What would you have said Can, you would have told me No, right, ” Listen this is something I have to do.” She pleaded. “Please understand, what I’m going through now is the same thing I went through when you left for that year. ” If I don’t act now and take charge of me I’m going to be back in that hospital again.  ” What was between us Can, is better left behind, your life doesn’t need me. ”  

Can took a deep breath, ” There you go, making all the decisions again. How do you know I don’t need you in my life? ” Have I told you that, just because I can’t remember everything  we had, doesn’t mean I won’t. ” Let’s work on this together. ” Just come back to work at least. Sanem, are you there? “ Sanem had to be firm and strong, ” Can, that can’t be, you are not the same person that fell in love with me. I can’t stand by and watch, as you move on with your life without me.” She cried. Can was silent for a few seconds then finally he spoke, ” I’m sorry for what you are going through, there’s a trace of me that knows you, but I don’t know if that’s enough.” I want you in my life but not if it’s going to hurt you. “ He whispered.  

The hurt of losing him this way burned her deeply and those scars would forever live inside her. Although Can had lost that need to love her, there was still a want that captured his soul. They agreed to let things stay the way they were. Can had so many emotions running around in his heart, it was hard for him to breath or think clearly. He was concerned about her being on her own, he asked if there was anything he could help her with. She explained she had gotten a job, just mainly for a pastime and with her money from the book, she was financially independent. Telling him her second book was well on its way and would be published soon. Hearing her talk of all her plans and the things she had accomplished, made him sad. She definitely didn’t need him anymore.  He thought, how strange to feel so empty about losing a love you didn’t even remember…. After agreeing to keep in touch, he asked for her address again. He wanted to be able to see her, but she’s refused again, saying it was too soon. They said their goodbyes. 

His hurt was visible for everyone to see. He couldn’t concentrate the rest of the day. He knew that Leila and Ceycey knew where she lived, that might come in handy.. He called it a day and went to the gym. He needed an intense workout, to cast out the devastation he was feeling. Sanem cried for hours unable to stop, she thought she would have a breakdown. The loneliness that had taken control of her was refusing to let go. Pleading and begging for her heart to be strong and her soul to comfort her, she managed to take her shower and get ready for bed. The shower made her feel better, the stinging hot water soothed the empty coldness she felt inside. She got a couple hours sleep, before a dream shook her awake…. she would sit and watch the dawn creep in and her day would start again..

Can’s evening was filled with what -ifs, what if she wasn’t part of his life anymore, what if he went back to his photography and took up his traveling again. Maybe he could just start back part time, on short assignments.  That might work, he would still be able to help at the agency. It would be something to think about. He had his freedom, just like he always did, but why did it feel so foreign to him now. He wasn’t feeling the excitement that usually companied him when he made his plans. His desire for solitude had diminished, in fact the thought of wandering around in a forest somewhere alone, was not that appealing… He wasn’t sure if he knew this Can Divit…

Chapter 8


As the days began to resemble a normal life, Sanem excepted what she now had. This was her story, how she told it, and no one else. That feeling empowered her to explore all that life had to offer. Her writing allowed her hurt to talk out loud, keeping it from ravishing her heart and soul.  

Leila came to visit, as much as possible those next several days, knowing her sister was facing the battle of a lifetime.  Her strength amazed her, where did it come from, she thought. Wondering if she, herself, had been dealt this heartbreak, how would she handled it. Her smile was there as always, warm and sincere. It hid what loving someone more than yourself was supposed to mean.  

Can tried to carry on, but the absence of Sanem met him at every corner. The feel for her creativity was evident, as the team struggled with their campaigns. Sanem always had unusual and fresh ideas, that captured the essence of each possible client..Can had a sadness about him, it crept through him. What was once a vibrant and exhilarating man, was now subdued and quiet. His brother worried about him, wondering how long this would last. Wishing the memory of the past two years would reappear, as quickly as it had been taken. He had the same thoughts and mindset as the Can before, but the desire to act on them had been abandoned. Aicha was a frequent visitor to his office, since they had returned from their climbing trip. Emre couldn’t say he was a fan of her’s, but she was a client and a very important one at that.. The attention she lavished on Can in front of everyone, angered the people that were close the Sanem. She was more than willing to please him in any way.  

Sanem was making great progress with her book. The first half had been submitted, read and excepted. The publisher felt this book would be accepted and favored as the much if not more than the first book. To have a sequel be as powerful as the main story was a feat unlike non other. It proved the strength of the writer, whether the story be fiction or true. She took pride in her ability to allow herself to still live in the moment, let herself still feel the pain and hurt that had made her who she was. It had to be that way, her heart wouldn’t have it any other way.  

The days had lingered into weeks, the thinking of her had elevated into the living and breathing thought of her. What had happened to the adventurous, solitary man he was, just the time at home alone nearly drove him crazy. Did he hear her laugh, at times he actually would look for her in another room… They only welcomed correspondents was the occasional text her her, asking him how he was. The pleasantries between them were comfortable and warm. A small conversation with her on a text could lift his spirits and make the day bearable. To keep his sanity, from time to time, Can would take Aicha up on her many invItations to go for a drink after work. Her suggestions of more than that, met with cool and resounding NO…. That part of Can had been crossed out, as if that emotion was void or already taken.  He himself didn’t understand it, but the very blatant offer of herself had seemed wrong and inappropriate.  There was still the flashbacks that would happen from time to time, mostly at night and sometimes in his dreams.. They always seemed so real, he fought the urge to call Sanem and find out.  

The friendship of Maya and Selim had turned into one similar to that of Ayhan and Osman. They would take her up on her offer to come for dinner, though her culinary skills were not the best, they tolerated it and enjoyed her company. She had made it a point to go out with them more on the weekends, their enthusiasm for fun was contagious. When she was alone to write, the memory of Can surrounded her, allowing her words to spill out, to bring to life all that she had inside of her. It would happen as she relived it on paper, the need to connect with him. Just a few words to him, to let him know she was thinking of him. Did he care? She thought he did, or he wouldn’t reply so quickly.  At times there was a text from him, just simply, “ Hi. Are you ok? ” Move on? How could she. 

The trips to her old neighborhood were draining and filled with drama. They continuously begged her to come home. Bombarding her with questions about everything and everybody. She loved them, but she felt suffocated around them.  Her visits became less as time wore on.. Leila and CeyCey kept her up to date of happening around the agency, with the exception of the ever-present Aicha. They felt sorry for Can, she circled him like a vulture, just waiting for a sign of weakness… It was all Leila could do to keep from pouncing on her at times……

The team had been working hard on a new proposal for a potential new client, night and day, you might say. With the paperwork done and the presentation ready, Can offered the team a little time off.  He brought in pizza and everyone ate and relaxed. Giving them the time to recharge their batteries, that was an important part of a company.. The atmosphere was happier to spite the obvious absence of Sanem.. Can gave everyone the rest of the day off after lunch. The presentation was the following day, so everyone would be back ready to work…CeyCey was anxious to see Sanem, since he hadn’t visited her in couple of weeks.  He called her, “ Hey Sanem, I have the afternoon off, ” he beamed., ” thought I would come visit. ” Excitedly she answered, “Perfect, I’ll be so glad to see you. What time are you coming? ” Planning to meet after her shift at 3:00, she rushed to do her cleanup. They would meet at the little cafe on the corner by the coffee.. CeyCey told her he would see if Leila could get away and come with him too. He rushed to Leila’s office, “ Leila I’m going to meet with Sanem, do you want to come with me? ” he babbled… Having a ton of work to do on other clients she had to decline, asking him to apologize to her. CeyCey assured her he would..

Frozen, listening, afraid to move, Can overheard the whole conversation, from the other side of the door…His instinct to follow CeyCey shocked even him.. He never even thought about it, just dropped the file he had in his hands and left to follow CeyCey. Watching him walk on down the street, and not hailing a taxi had stunned him. Was she that close, close enough to walk to, he thought.  He kept a safe distance, while the anticipation of seeing her grew to something overwhelming.  

He watched as CeyCey entered a small cafe, he stood back, peering in the window, he wondered what he must look like, but not really caring.  He had never done anything like this before, and it scared him a bit, but he had to see her. Just a glance was all needed……

Then his eyes found her….t here she was, as beautiful as ever.  His body shivered, what was this feeling? Was it love…….it was a feeling he didn’t quite understand.

Chapter 9

He stood, partially hidden from the window. As he peaked around the side of the window, he was mesmerized by her.  It had only been a couple of months since he had seen her last. The vision of her satisfied him like no other.  Her physical appearance had never been in question, he always found her breathtaking, but looking at her now, stuck a different cord. The complete calmness, that warm like, “ I’m home, ” feeling,  poured over him.  He took a deep breath, utterly disgusted with himself.  Look at me, sneaking around, peaking in windows, like a stupid idiot…. he turned to take one last look before making his exit. ” OH NO, ” They’re getting ready to leave. He turned quickly and ducked into the store next door. He jumped in and closed the door fast, leaned back against the wall with his eyes closed. His heart pounding, he drew in a deep breath and exhaled. He then slowly opened his eyes, looking directly into the faces of three women staring at him. He gazed about seeing, mirrors, hair dryers, nail polish everything he knew nothing about…

The women stared, he smiled, they smiled, he finally nodded his head and bowing as he slowly backed out of the door. Completely unraveled, he looked around to see if he could see CeyCey or Sanem. What has gotten into you Divit, you’re losing your grip.  Not seeing either of them he started the walk back to the office. Her image fresh and vivid in his mind, he wondered if she lived around here, or maybe worked close by. The thought to follow him again popped into his mind, but maybe not, he pondered, “ you’re not too good at it , but you didn’t get caught. ” he laughed. It was definitely worth the risk, she looked great, he had missed her, he had missed her even while he was on his climbing trip, and never got to see her then. He started thinking of the next time, he would follow Leila or Emre, he would have to listen more closely to their conversations. He laughed to himself, If you’re going to make a career out of stalking, you better be more aware of the surroundings.

Sanem walked the few blocks to her apartment, smiling, so happy she had a visit with her friend. They had such a deep connection. From the very start, they blended, she trusted him fully. They had ate together, so she only made her some tea, when she arrived home. She immediately got right on her writing. The people she was closest to always brought out the creativity in her.  Her writing tired her, she drifted off late in the evening.  She woke startled, she had dreamed of him, she hadn’t dream of Can in a few days. It felt so real, he was leaving with Polen, on their way to the Balkan Mountains, she was laughing as they walked to the plane.  Sanem was calling to him, but he didn’t turn around.  It was like a long tunnel, and they were sucked into it…. Why did she have to remember.  Their time together was always in her mind, sometimes she wished she had lost her memory too. Looking at her phone she saw it was 5:00am, almost time to get up, she thought, that hadn’t been the best nights sleep, but it would have to do.

The replay ran over and over in his head that evening, why couldn’t she just talk to him. Just let him in a little, he regretted everything that was happening and it wasn’t his fault. Can kept her in his thought all night. He had that same dream again, they were fighting on the rocks by the coast, did it have a meaning. He knew he had to find out. The presentation went off without a hitch. The client were very pleased and ready to sign the agreement. The agency was on it’s way, all thanks to Sanem and her cream. The urge to text her won him over, happy to tell the news about the new client. He sent, ” Hi, how are you. Got a new client today, agency doing great. I need to see you, let’s get together.  

She saw the text as she walked home from work. The feeling to go right to the office and see him overwhelmed her.  He sounded so lonely, but she couldn’t give in….She returned. ” I’m glad for you. You all deserve this. I’m fine….I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet, it’s to soon………..

It made her sad, but their problems are still problems, nothing has been solved and it never will be. She needed to get her mind off of him for a while.  Maybe call Maya go to the movies, just anything to escape the constant regret.  They agreed to meet for the early evening show, so they could be back home early. They picked a comedy; she wanted nothing to do with romantic right now…. The laughter helped her but Maya could tell she wasn’t herself. She wanted to help her friend; that’s just what friends do.  She asked her if she needed to talk about it, Sanem shook her head saying, ” Now is not the best time to talk, my feelings are up in the air and i can’t make any sense right now. But thanks for worrying about me.” Maya understood, ” Just whenever you need to talk, I’ll be there. ” she said. They said their goodnights and started home. There would be no writing tonight, a good hot shower, a book and bed…

She checked her phone, she had a text from Can… ” Sanem, when will it ever be a good time? ” I need to see you, don’t shut me out .”   

Sanem texted, ” Can, I never shut you out, YOU shut me out. Maybe not intentionally, but nevertheless that’s what happened. This is all we can have right now. I’m living day to day, still tortured and broken. Take this time to fix yourself.”  

Can read that text over and over, what did she mean, ” This is all we can have right now ” she has to let me in, we can fix “us” together.  

Chapter 10


The next few days were especially busy for Sanem. She was nearing the end of her book, it was demanding all of her spare time.  Although this book was based loosely of her life after Can’s return till present day, she had added different events and scenarios so as not to mimic their lives completely.  It would come with a happy ending, just like the first book, but it was clearly born out of fiction. Her positive outlook on life wouldn’t allow her to end a story of such love on a negative note. Maybe it was in her subconscious mind that she always saw a happy ending for them, so that’s the reason she always put it on paper.  This time it felt so strange, she felt different, more out of touch with Can than ever before. Maybe she did need to meet with him, just to see if he had remembered anything, to talk to him and reconnect with his soul..  He was important to her, he was her life and always would be.  She had her memories of them, but they were of a different Can, so she had to get to know this Can….if she was to move on…..

Even though it had only been a few days since he last texted her, it seemed like a lifetime…His pleas to meet with him was met with rejection.  Had she always been this stubborn, he thought , if so,  how had he handled it before.  He should talk to someone, maybe Emre could shed some light on the relationship they had. He needed  a more personal, day to day account of what they were like together..the book just hadn’t been enough…He went into Emre’s office,  sat down, staring off into space,  Emre waited a minute for him to speak, after a minute Emre asked,  ” Abi, are you ok,  whats going on. ”  Can looked at Emre with confusion in his eyes,  ” I need  you to tell me about me and Sanem, our relationship,  not what was it the book but…us.”…….He just realized that no one had explained to him in detail,  the deep down feelings they had for each other.  Everyone had just glazed over what they had  together, he needed that,  ” in your gut feeling, the feeling that takes your breath away. ”  Did  he have that with her.”   Emre smiled, and said, ”  Your love was indescribable,  you had never been so happy. Even with Polen,  you still were into yourself,  she was a “take it or leave it ”  woman for you.”  But Sanem,  ah,  she brought out the man in you, the part of you that was vulnerable yet the strongest you had ever been. The part that made everyone else envy what you had,  like me. ”  Emre hung his head,  tearing up he confessed,  ” I have always been envious of you,  your ability to command the attention of every situation. ”  You and Sanem, together,  controlled the universe, making everyone believed they could have a love like that too. 

Can was touched by the words from Emre,  he had never experienced that kind of connection with him before.   ” What made it so special though, ” He questioned, ” How did we become that couple that everyone envied. ”  Emre started to explain,  ”  All the problems that happened between you two, her deception, that was caused by me, ”  you forgave them all.  You couldn’t refuse her, she broke down the rigid standards that you had once made for yourself.”  She helped you forgive me for the unspeakable things I did to you out of jealousy. You, Can Divit, that never forgave anyone that lied to you or deceived you, had developed compassion.”  And compassion only comes from loving and being loved. ”  I don’t know what else to say brother,  she changed you, made you better.. But I will say this, you did meet a person that was equal to you in stubbornness.  I believe that’s what you’re facing right now, that trait that you both have mastered. ” You have to find a way to get her to trust you again…

Can stood to leave,  he stopped and looked at Emre,  ” One question, ” Did she make me laugh? ”  I mean, really laugh. I don’t remember ever “really” laughing.  Emre smiled a big smile, ” Brother, I promise you, she made you laugh, she is unique in every way, including the ability to touch your soul.  Can left his office, a little more enlightened about the person he had become the past two years, and the person that had been responsible for that.  The need to see and talk to her face to face was greater, now more than ever.

With her book finished , she was preparing to send to the publishers.  What a relief to have it done.  This seems like a rebirth of her soul,  the story of her that made her stronger,  more able to look past what had been.. but the idea of meeting with Can, seeing him,  letting him in again, it was scary.  But she had made up her mind it had to be,  she had to see him.  The last few texts had sounded sincere and desperate, maybe he had a breakthrough in his memory. ” Would it make a difference?”  She wondered,  ” If he had all their times together,  good and bad,  restored back into his heart, with his memories of their love. ”  How would she feel? Happy for him? Happy for Us?  What would happen?   All the “what if’s” made her head hurt… It was late so she would text him tomorrow.

She made the announcement as she arrived at work the next morning, ” The book is finished. ” She shouted with happiness. ” I dropped it in the mail on my way here. ”   Maya and Selim clapped and danced with her around the shop.  ”  We have to celebrate, ” Maya yelled, ” Friday night at the club, ” everyone will be so excited for you. ” she said. The plans were made….. The day flew by, all the customers were elated and anxious to read the book, written by their friend they had come to love. As she walked home, her thoughts of Can made her smile, she wanted to share the news with him about the book.  She stopped and sent a text, ” Hi, have some news, would you like to meet?  Send……..

Can pickup  his phone, looking to see who was texting……Sanem, she wants to meet!!   He quickly excuses himself from the meeting and goes to the hallway.  

” I would love to, just tell me when and where. ”  he wrote.  Send 

” On Saturday, I’ll send you the time and address, but probably about lunchtime, Ok. ” Send

Great!  He yelled. He returned to the meeting, giddy and overjoyed.  Aicha and the Womanart group had brought a new product and they had been discussing it, but he was ready for the meeting to be over… As the group was leaving, Aicha asked if Can old like to go for drinks on Friday evening. Still in a state of euphoria he accepted. She was elated, telling him she had found a new club and she was sure he would like it…….

He thoughts were, ” Saturday couldn’t get here fast enough….

Hi everyone, hope you’re enjoying the story. The road will get bumpy as their lives move on. Please send your comments and vote. I appreciate all that read..Thank you

Chapter 11

Her day was starting off great. Her spirits were high, she had decided to meet with Can. It felt  good.  The coffee shop was busier than usual, a lot of new customers coming by to deliver their congratulations for the upcoming book.  She took time on her first break to text Can, ” Hi, how are you,  thought we would meet at Caffe Nero not far from the agency, about 12:00. Do you know the place? That is if  you still want to meet….Send…..

Can quickly answered,  ” Yes, I know just where it is,  12:00 is great and I definitely still want to meet..see you then……Send

She smiled, “Good, I hope this is for the best.” she thought.  At the end of her shift Maya confirmed the plans for the night. Selim would be a little late getting there, due to a prior invitations, but would be there before the fun got started. He said.  They agreed to meet at the club at 8:00pm. She hurried home from the coffee shop, took some time to put her feet up for a bit. She read for a while and then fixed her some dinner,  she knew she needed to eat before she went out as not to drink on an empty stomach.  Taking her time to get ready, she was out the door by 7:30 and on her way.  It was a beautiful evening, a little balmy, she loved it..

Maya was waiting for her at he door,  they made their way in and found their table.  Some of the crowd knew them and voiced their “hellos”.   Sanem only drank wine so they both order a glass each and a glass of water.  Maya was busy telling everybody about Sanem’s book, bringing a crowd over to congratulate her.  It was getting busy and loud..a typical Friday night.

Can was making his way home, all the while, thinking about the meeting with Sanem the next day….His phone rang, looking he could see it was Aicha, ” Oh damn,I forgot about having drinks with them tonight.” He answered,  ” Hello Aicha,  whats up. ”  She quickly said, ” You didn’t forget did you, drinks tonight. ”  He scoffed to himself,  ” No of course not. ” I’m just going home to change, will meet you there. ”  Looking at the time, he knew it would be at least an hour before he would get there.  He took a quick shower, dressed and headed back out the door.  Checking the address she had sent, he knew the general vicinity.  He arrived at 8:45, Aicha was waiting at the door. He parked and sprinted across the street, ” Hi, where are the guys,” Are they running late. ”  Aicha smiled. ” No, it’s just us tonight. ” You’re ok with that , aren’t you. ”  She slid her arm around his arm as they walked into the club. It took him by surprise,  they had always been out together with the other guys in the climbing group, he wasn’t sure if he felt comfortable.  He went along with the plan, thinking, I’ll just have a drink and then excuse myself quickly, no big deal.. The place was a little busy but they found a table not far from the door.  The music was loud and really not the music he cared for but, he could endure anything for a little while.  They sat, trying to get accustom to the lighting, the waitress made her way over taking their drink orders..Aicha looked around, beaming, ” This is a great place, vibrant.  She said.  ” Do you like it? ”  Can nodded with a smile, but thinking, ” No not so much.”   He fidgets with his phone, wishing he told someone to call him and rescue him from this situation..

Maya was making a big deal out Sanem and her book, making Sanem a little uncomfortable.  Several people had crowded around their table to talk to Sanem, she thanked them all and a couple of the guys had sent her a drink. Maya was having a blast, she was always the life of the party. She loved it when they were at the center of attention,  finally the crowd dispersed and Sanem could breath.  She was embarrassed with all this attention, but didn’t want to hurt Maya’s feelings. They were just enjoying the music and Maya was telling her some elaborate story when she stopped in mid sentence, ” Whoa, Whoa, Whoa,  Don’t look now but there’s a gorgeous guy shooting  fire at you. ” She blurted..Sanem looked at her saying, ” Where, where is he? ” she started to look around. Maya slapped her on the arm saying, ” Stop jerking around, he’s to your right, the table against the wall.”  She turned, it was like slow motion, she found his face, his eyes staring deep into her’s.  It was like being in a tunnel, she couldn’t see anything around him, just him. It had fell dead silent to her ears.  His eyes were like magnets to her, she was dizzy and felt clammy.  Then she noticed who was sitting at the table with him. Maya keeps slapping her on the arm, ” Sanem, Sanem,” are you ok? ”  What’s wrong.  She jerked and looked at Maya, ” I’m sorry I really have to go, I’m not feeling well.  Sorry.”  She jumped up and started for the door, but Can caught her just before she reached it.  ” Sanem, wait, wait don’t go. Sanem stop.” He grabbed her arm. “What are you doing, just stop.”  She stopped and reeled around, ” What Can, why should I stop, what could you possibly want from me.”  She yelled.  He looked at her begging with his eyes,  ” Just don’t go, you always run away from me. ” She looked past him at Aicha, she had stood and was walking towards Can, beckoning him back to the table.  Locking her eyes with Can’s, she stated,  ” You always give me a reason to runaway.”    

She bolted out the door,  grabbing the taxi that was waiting outside the door.  Can was right behind her yelling,  ” Sanem, wait I can explain, It’s not what you think…

The ride to her apartment was short, she made her way inside before she broke down…..

“Well Sanem, you let your heart open for just a minute and look what happened”..She sobbed, as she threw herself on her bed. I knew it was to soon.  Stay with your plan,  think for yourself,  your life depends on you….

Memories, I guess that’s all I’ll have……..but will that be enough

Chapter 12

Can was left standing there,  his mind reeling as to what had just happened.  She was right there, he touched her, felt her skin, smelled her, then she was gone.  He was living a bad dream, so frustrated and confused, he turned and went back inside. Maya, clearly concerned and worried about Sanem, cornered Can as he entered the club. ” Hey, what ‘s going on, what did you do to my friend. ” She yelled. ” Where is she? ”  Can, still in a state of shock, was trying to understand what she was asking.  Feeling annoyed he waved his arms and said, ” I don’t do anything to her, I just wanted to talk to her.”  Maya shouted,  ” Where is she, and, WHO are you, some weird stalker guy.”  You know Sanem has a lot of friends in this place, if you have done anything to her, you’ll have hell to pay.”  Maya quickly turned and went out the door to look for Sanem.

Aicha was standing with her arms folded, obviously upset at what had just transpired.  Can approached her telling her he was sorry, ” Aicha, I beg your pardon, but I think it best for me to leave right now. I’m truly sorry, but you and this whole evening has totally complicated my life. “May I get you a cab?” He asked.  Huffing she replied, ” Why do you let that simple girl get under your skin like that? ” She obviously is not your type of woman; really need to see that.” Can turned glaring into her eyes, ” And you know my type of woman.” He spewed. ” You are a very brazen woman, to say the least.  The very idea that you would know the slightest thing about my taste in woman is amazing to me.”  That simple girl is more woman than you’ll ever be!! ” He nodded and bowed, as he turned and walked out the door.  Aicha stared with tears welling up in her eyes.  She had never been so humiliated; she would make him pay….

Sanem took a hot shower, made her some tea and went out to the balcony.  What a night, she thought,  Can Divit, the gorgeous, famous and the most infuriating man in the world.  Why had her life become entangled with his, her heart had always been open and free. Constantly searching for her one and only love. She truly believed a person loved only once in their life.  But what happened?  She found her one and only love of a lifetime, but she wasn’t his.  So what does that make her?  Lost, with only memories and no hope for true happiness.  Ok, take this night,  feel it , own it,  let it remain tucked away, in a tiny part of your heart forever. Then tomorrow,  stand up straight , look yourself in the mirror, and  become the person that is in control.  Be that person that is a famous writer, confident, strong and sure, and give up on that impossible love of your life.. She would spent the night sitting there, letting it sink in…..

Maya tried her phone numerous time, but she didn’t answer.  She feared something bad had happened to her when she left the club, what had that man said to her?  She thought.  She sent a text,   

” Sanem I’m worried, are you ok. I’ll come to you if you need me. Please let me know…..Send….

 She heard the ping of her phone, half expecting it to be Can, but seeing it was Maya, she was relieved.  Oh my, she had completely forgotten about Maya,  she’s probably worried sick.  She quickly returned the text. 

” I’m fine, at home. Thanks but I need to be alone tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  Maya was glad to hear from her and to know she was ok, still puzzled about that extremely handsome, gorgeous man that swooped in and ruined their celebration night.. she had to get to the bottom of it…..

Can drove home , but didn’t go to his house, instead he made his way to the boat.  He hadn’t gone there in a while, it made him feel uncomfortable for some reason.  In the book, he read about being gone on this boat for a year. Where had he gone and what had he experienced in that time. All these things were unknown to him.  Did it matter, was it prevalent to their relationship, or was that what caused the end.  Just sitting in the boat, he could feel a sorrow creep in,  a sadness , but not knowing why….He got the feeling that this boat, carried a very strong definition of what had been wrong in his life.  Maybe if he found the reason he had fled Istanbul, he would know the reason to stay…..

The morning found them both in their own surrounding,  they had both sought their solitude as always. They cope separately, one longing to recover what had been and the other longing to forget the best of what had been.  He went home to shower, and eat.  He had a plan, and was determined for it to work.. He know so little, but what he did know was enough, he needed her in his life……

Sanem was lingering, slowly and without enthusiasm for the morning to start.  She managed to get dressed,  have tea, and check her phone.  No messages, well it seems that Mr. Divit  has lost that resounding urge to talk to her.  He seemed so desperate last night.  But that’s Ok,  she a new woman now, that confident Sanem, with her dreams of traveling the world…..alone. She knew with the publishing of the new book, the offers of book signings and interviews would start to come in. She declined many of the offers before, but now, she had no reason to decline. She would welcome the attention and accept what her talents had brought her..

As she lingered in her thoughts of what was to come…..her phone pinged with a text..

” Sanem, I’m here at the Cafe, waiting. We need to talk……..please

” OH, MY GOD.  He went to the cafe…..does he really think I’m going to meet him now…..

” Sorry but I’m not coming, we talked last night…….Send

He looked at the text, thinking,   She is so stubborn, how can I make this work…

” Sanem, I will not leave her until you come to talk…. I swear, I won’t leave…….Send

She sighed,  I might as well get it over with. I have to tell him once and for all..

” Ok, I’m coming but I’m not staying long, we don’t have that much to talk about…..Send

He smiled…………….

Chapter 13

She definitely had reservations about going to meet with Can, but decided to carry out her plan to talk.  She arrived a little after 12:00, and surprisingly the cafe was empty. Can was sitting alone at the table.  He stood as she entered, he reached out his hand but she waved it away, and sat down.  He nodded in acceptance of her decision and sat down as well.  Can quickly started, ” Sanem I’m glad you came, please listen to what I have to say, will you? ”  Sanem looked around saying, ” Can where are all the customers, this place is usually packed at this time of day? ”   He smiled, “ Well I paid for the whole afternoon, so we wouldn’t get interrupted. ”  She squinted her eyes and glared at him, ” You are a little presumptions aren’t you. I told you I didn’t have a lot to talk about. ” Last night said a lot to me.”…He dropped his head and sighed,  ” I am truly sorry about the way that looked,  but I had no idea that it was just Aicha that was coming for drinks, and that is the truth.”  

She knew he was probably telling the truth, he had always been oblivious to the advances from all the women that ran after him.. Nodding her head as in agreement, ” So, is there something specific you wanted to talk to me about.” She asked, seeing  he was totally exasperated with her lack of desire to talk to him… “You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you? ” His eyes searching her face. ” Sanem, I needed to see you, that feeling is still not clear in my head, but nevertheless, it is still there.”  That butterfly feeling hit her stomach, as she tried to not feel the meaning of what he was saying…. This was exactly why she hadn’t wanted to see him, he broke down her defenses, and left her unbalanced.  Just a few little words and she was like putty, melting and dripping everywhere.  What a weak person she was, when it came to him.

She swallowed hard, closed her eyes, and said, ” Can, I regret that I have allowed myself to think  about the past again. I did so in a moment of weakness.”  I hope you understand, that the feelings I have for you will forever be in my heart, but this has always been our problem, the other women.” she sighed, ” I’m simply not ready to be among the many the seeks your attention. I wanted to be the only woman in your life. But, you Can, have lost the desire to love me and the ability to remember me.”   His eyes filled with tears, ” Sanem, the other women mean nothing to me, you know that, and I have that desire to love you, but, you’re right the ability to remember has evaded me.” I have these flashes of memories, and I’m  hoping they will mean something.”  He told her about some of the flashes he had , asking her if they were real or just dreams.  She explained that most of them had been in the book so It would be hard to tell if they were a true memory or not. She could see he was tying so hard to remember, but she had to protect herself.    

Can tried desperately to convince her to allow him in,  but Sanem held on to her decision.  Telling him she was certain what he was experiencing was guilt, and with time it would dissipate. She blinked her eyes trying to keep the tears from forming, and said,  ” Can we need to move on, your heart will forget,  just like your mind. You need to clear your mind and let it rest.” She stood to leave, but he reached for her, begging her to stay,  ” Don’t go, I feel like if you leave now,  I will lose you and a part of myself, a part I might never get it back. ”  His eyes sank into hers, craving and torturing her.  With all her courage, she whispered, ” Our future has already been written Can, I am destined to have only memories of my only love, and you, without memories..”……

She left the cafe, walking, blinded by the tears that fell.  She didn’t remember how she even got back to her apartment, but there she was climbing the stairs, as if she was dragging the weight of the world with her.  She was so tried of hurting and feeling pain, her soul screamed with anguish.  She made her tea, but to swallow was nearly impossible, the sadness gripped her throat and she wept, for hours,  until her body gave in and she slept…..

Can was stunned, and heartbroken. She was gone, all he had now, was to hope she would have a change of heart in the days to come.  He wanted so badly to remember all that they had together,  he knew from the book, their love had been riddled with problems, lies and deceptions. But there was a need that drew him to her, it was entwined around his heart, and he sensed that it would never go away.  Maybe she was right, he was trying to hard, working his brain to much. Just relax for a few days and see what happens..He would take his tent and a few supplies and head to the woods, be alone and think. He called Emre, telling him he would be gone for a couple of days, for him to take care of business.  He would return on Wednesday, in time for the meeting with a new potential client. 

The next day brought the reality of what had happened, she tried to busy her mind with other things. She took a walk around the neighborhood, as she usually did, and stopped to visit with a few of the elderly people that would always wave at her..  But it wasn’t enough, she needed something to completely shut her mind off…..After her walk, she jumped into cleaning mode and cleaned for hours. She scoured everything she could reach. She was exhausted, she showered, ate and finally it was time for bed….Sleep came quickly, but not so calmly, the dreams wandered in and out of the mind.  Bad ones, then good ones, keeping her tossing and turning all night.  When morning came, she felt like she had run a marathon that didn’t have an end.  Getting ready for work, she hoped she would hear from her publishing house soon, maybe getting started on promotions on the new book would take her mind off things. Anything to get her out of town for a while and busy….

Leila came for lunch and surprised her.  Telling her that Can had taken a few day off.  Sanem knew her sister wanted to know what happened between them.  As much as she wanted to forget it all,  she told her all the dirty details.  She also told her she planned to travel abroad to promote the book as soon as the details were made.  Leila was surprised, for she had never wanted to travel before…..With a strong determination in her voice and a smile on her face, she replied: 

” What you see, is the new and improved Sanem, fearless and ready for life……………..

Chapter 14

Can set up his camp, ready to relax, and stretch out under the stars. He made his tea over the campfire, poured a cup and sat back to enjoy. He closed his eyes and tried to remember the last time he had been camping, his last photography adventure,  what was the last thing that made him happy. He shook his head,  shouting out loud to himself, “You aren’t suppose to be doing this, your trying to relax and let your brain rest.. just clear it, don’t think.” Oh my god, how hard that was to do.  He rolled out his sleeping bag and laid down, looking up at the stars. Why had he been dealt this fate, wasn’t the rejection of his mother all these year, enough for him to handle in one lifetime. The silence was deafening, almost to much. It had always been what he preferred, but for some reason, now it made him sad and lonely, as if  a major piece of his soul was missing… He stared at the stars until he fell asleep..

Sanem lounged on the balcony,  wishing the publisher would call her. Her life had so many ups and downs it was hard to keep up with them all. Can was constantly in her mind, she tried to move him out but each thought she had was related to him in some way..The book, which was a story of their life and love, was her focus at the time, so how was she to deal with the emptiness that grew in her heart and soul. All that they were to one another, was recorded and documented into history, and everyone would know the pain that lived inside her. Her only hope was, she could rise like the Phoenix, in renewal and show the world her fiery colors, as she rebuilds her life. She was ready………

He felt restless. He hiked in the woods, exploring the beauty of it. Just anything to occupy his mind, he thought, and find the peace he was looking for and needed.  That smell, it stopped him in his tracks, her smell.  He looked around until he saw the white wildflower bush that held the fragrance that stirred his thoughts. He knelt down, holding the flower gently, he smelled.  He saw her, facing him, smiling and smelling the same flowers.  He closed his eyes, letting the flash of her linger. He had seen this before in a flashback, but it always touched him like it was brand new, just like it was the first time he had seen her.  He knew she was special to him, if he could remembered bits and pieces of something so small as smelling a flower. 

He packed up on Tuesday morning to head home.  The trip hadn’t helped as much as he thought it would, but work was waiting, and called him back to reality.  The thoughts of returning to his old job of photography, had entered his mind. Maybe the diversion would put things in perspective for him. Possibly just some small jobs, not too far away, he could still manage the agency just fine. Emre and Deren would be able to handle things while he was gone… He would make some phone calls and see what was available, definitely something to think about..

Several days had pasted since she sent her transcript to Bedir, her publisher. She was anxious to hear some news. She also hadn’t had a text or call from Can, she wondered if he returned from his camping trip. ” WHY? ”  why was she thinking about him, it makes it so much harder to move on. It was Thursday and work had been busy, she made it home to rest, and was thinking about CeyCey.she hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days, maybe she would call him and touch base..Before she could make the call, her phone rang.  It was Bedir, she quickly answered,  excited and anxious, ” Hello Bedir. How are you? ” she blurted. ” Sanem , hello, I’m fine and you,” he answered. She relayed that she was fine and ready for some news…He informed her they wanted to do a re-release on her first book, just ahead of the launch of the second book. They wanted to make an impact and boost the popularity of the release. It was all going to happen fairly quick. The new release, had a projected date of eight weeks, meaning the re-release would come in less than a month.  The promotion for the re-release would start soon and flow into the launch of the new book. ” This means you are going to be traveling for quite some time, is that going to be a problem, ” he asked. Her dream was coming true, the travel, meeting all the people, putting herself out there, making her life what she wanted it to be…. After a minute, she answered with resounding, ” No, ” It couldn’t come at a better time, you have made me very happy.” She said. He shouted, ” Great, everyone here is overjoyed. It’s going to the event of the year. ” Let me send you the details, but it looks like we will travel to France first, they have shown a great deal of interest in the new book. ” I will send it all in an email.”  He said. She thanked him and told him she would watch for the mail.  

” WOW! ” the event of the year. She was over the moon, and France, did he say France!  I can’t believe it..She had to call her sister.  She delivered the news to Leila, and it was met with a lot of screams and jumping up and down…The whole office was watching and listening, as she reveled in the joy of her sister.. ” I’m so happy for you Sanem, I can’t believe it,….France, Wow. ” Deren and Can were just coming out of a meeting, they stopped, noticing the commotion. Can listened as Leila delivered the news to their friends,  ” Yes, ” Leila babbled,  ” a re-release and a new launch at he same time.” And she starts her promotional tour in France!!  Everyone clapped and was hugging Leila, telling her to wish Sanem good luck from them…Leila started back to her office and met Can, she stopped, his eyes met hers, she saw the pain and regret.  This was going to be hard, no doubt, but she would stand by her sister and the choice she had made…

Can walked into his office, shut the door.  She’s doing it, she’s moving on…..

Where did that leave him……still lost and alone.  Not able to move on, and going back, well it just didn’t have the same appeal as it did before…..He picked up his phone. 

” Why didn’t you tell me your new book is being published? ” …….Send

Sanem was surprised at the text….

” I was going to, but things got in the way. ” …..Send

Can replied:  ” I’m happy for you, and proud. Will you keep in touch,… please. ” …..Send

Sanem:  ” Thank you, I will try, I’m going abroad and my schedule is going to be hectic. “…Send

Can:  ” Sure, I understand……..Send

Sanem didn’t reply. She was doing the right thing…..she hoped.

Chapter 15

All the details for the promotional tour came in an email, with all the events and coverage planned, it had taken on the characteristics of a major entertainment gala. Every advertising avenue had been used, and the most important promotional outlets had been booked. She was in awe of what they had developed in such a short time.  She packed her everyday and lounging clothes, but all other clothes, such as evening gowns and business attire for the interviews and booking signings would be there waiting for her when she arrived. She took a day and went to visit her mom and dad before she was to leave. Mom showered her with her favorite food, and the whole neighborhood came to wish her well.  The tears that fell were those of joy as they watched their little girl embark on the journey of her dreams.

The goodbyes at the coffee shop turned out to be a blubbering mess. All the regulars came to say goodbye and good luck.  She laughed a said, ” You know I’m not gone forever, just for a month or so. ” Maya cried, wiping her tears she said, ” I know,  but you won’t be back her to work, you’re a famous author that’s going to travel the world, right.”  Sanem hugged everyone, promising to be back to visit.  Her plane was leaving the next day,  was she ready to start her new life. A part of her was clinging to that amber stone necklace, praying for it to reunite her with her true love,  the other part knew it would never happen. So move on, rise again from the ashes and conquer.  

The last updates on the Womanart file were done and the notes to Emre and Deren had been filed..Aicha made her almost daily trip to the agency, humiliating herself with a display of a broken heart that Can was leaving, begging him to take her with him… Can assured her that their company’s account would be in good hands. Can politely ignored the attention she lavish on him, knowing they couldn’t afford to lose their most important account..He still harbored ill feeling towards her for the fiasco at the club.  His plane went out the next day so he left early to gather his things.  Leila knew that Sanem had left that day flying to Marseille, but hadn’t mentioned it to Can. The less known the better she thought, let their lives move on…

He always opted on traveling light, he could always buy what he needed when he got there. Just the basics stuff.  He would close up the house so Mihriban didn’t have to worry about it.  As he was going through his nightstand looking for the extra phone charger, he came across a scarf. “What is this,  a pink and white bandana scarf ,  It’s definitely not mine.”  Can’s heart stutters a bit, ” It’s Sanem, this is her bandana.”  He holds it in his hand and the feeling of  relief crept over him.  He automatically stuffs it in his travel bag.  For some reason it had lighten his heart, he knew the meaning of it had to be significant. He went about taking care of what had to be done….his mind consumed with the pink and white bandana in his bag….

As he makes his way to the airport the next morning, his mood is lighter, and more optimistic.   The bandana worries him, being in the bag, he needed to feel it, so he takes it out of the bag before he puts the bag in the over head, sticking it in his pocket.  He settles in for the long flight.  Knowing the scarf is there, he feels like it had traveled with him before.  He lets his mind wander,  where had he been with this scarf.  He takes it out of his pocket, holds it, touches it,  and on instinct he puts it to his nose. He closed his eyes, there it was, a slight smell of her. That smell he knows,  but yet doesn’t .  Wherever had been with this scarf, he knew it had helped him through a tough time. He smiled and tucked the bandana back into his pocket,  it meant something, and he was going to find out what…

” This city is beautiful, ” she exclaimed.  ” I still can’t believe I’m here.”  Her assistant also spoke Turkish, so her fear of the language problem was solved…. She a young woman, probably 32 or 33. Very detailed and efficient, her name was Suna.  She whisked Sanem away in a taxi, on their way to the hotel. Talking nonstop, giving Sanem the itinerary for the next day. Sanem chuckled, she already had the entire trip copied in her mind, but she would let her do her job.  The city was large and dynamic, her head turned from side to side, trying to catch everything.  They arrived at an elaborate hotel, something you might see in a brochure, it took her breath. Wow, she would have to call Leila as soon as she got settled in.  Her rooms were spectacular, and food already there waiting for her.  She was famished. Suna gave her all the details on paper so she wouldn’t forget, giving her instructions to get some rest and the car would pick her up at 10:00am.   And then she was gone. Leaving her phone number in case she needed anything.

Wow, that was quite the performance, she thought…..

Tired and hungry, she changed into her PJ’s and fixed a plate. She called Leila, filling her in on the fabulous hotel and all the food… finally she could relax. Well, I’m here, she thought, the first step to moving on. She missed sharing her joy with him, it had been a long time since she had. It seemed their happiness was either preceded by problem or caused a problem.  They had so wanted to be together, supporting each other, but something or someone always got in their way……In a way their love story was the reason for them both to move on…

He once asked her if she believed in fate,  ” Yes, ” she answered.  The answer is still ” Yes” 

Can is waiting for a connecting flight, sitting there with a multitude of flashes flooding his mind.    There was these awful tasting raw meat cutlets, so hot they were almost impossible to eat. She was smiling,  so beautiful and sweet. Telling him how she made these just for him, but they where terrible….he smiled…

Her phone pinged:  A text from Can………..Wow it’s been a while,  she held her breath….

” Sanem, sorry to bother you, but did you make me some awful tasting raw meat cutlets once? ”   

Chapter 16

Her phone pinged;  A text from Can…….She held her breath…

” Sanem, sorry to bother you, but did you make me some awful tasting raw meat cutlets once? ” 

Sanem:  ” Yes, ” did you remember or did someone tell  you? ”  

Can: ” I remembered, I’ve had a couple of flashes. 

Sanem: ” OH, that’s great. Are you home

Can: “No” I’m on my way to Africa on assignment. When does the book get published 

Sanem: ” In the next couple of weeks. I’m in Marseille, France now starting the promo tour.

Sanem is shocked he is back to his old job, guess he’s moving on too.  Guess he had nothing to stay in Istanbul for, she thought.  Her thoughts are with him and hopes this is the beginning of his recovery.  He just needed time..

Her first day of activities is like a whirlwind , cameras, interviews and the endless smiling.  She is dizzy and exhausted. Ready for her room and some rest.  Bedir had arrived late in the afternoon, taking over part of the interviews , that was  relief.  This was a lot more than what she bargained for.  She wished Can was with there to experience this with her. She half expected to see him at every turn. For so long now, her joy and fulfillment had been enhanced by Can being in her life.

Can can’t believe that Sanem is in France , she didn’t even tell  him, but she didn’t tell him about her book either.  The need for her is growing more and more, he misses her but knows she needs this time…She has worked so hard for this, he’s proud of her…

Can arrives and meets up with the group.  The trip to the village takes another few hours,  He tried to keep his mind off of Sanem, but is unsuccessful. There are endless photo opportunities as they make their way to the village, his camera is constantly clicking. The  work begins immediately as they arrive at the village.  It’s grueling work but the outcome will be worth it….although the rewards are great, he still grieves for the life he left behind….This is the type of assignments that always gave Can that sense of pride in what he did. Even with the heavy workload, and the exhaustion at the end of the day, his thoughts of Sanem filled him, making sleep at times evade him. The memories now coming as if they where a rerun of a movie, delighted him. He welcomed his solitude at night, to take his time and relive what he was remembering. 

The next stop on the tour, Bordeaux, France, it was beautiful authentic French district. The tour was a bit more laid back there, relaxed and informal, she loved it. They treated her like royalty, it was like a fairytale. The book re-release had caused quite a stir, allowing the sales to double from what they had expected. But the main launch was coming next in Paris, the major market.  By the time they got to Paris, she was nervous wreck. Every night see would call her sister, just to calm down. Can had always been her rock and had the ability to keep her grounded.  She wished she could call him……

They had a huge party planned for after the launch and book signing, quite formal. There were these lavish gowns for her to chose from. Her team of personal care experts, did there job to the fullest, she looked and felt beautiful. She was living a Cinderella story now, but without her prince. The evening was special, to say the least. Just being in the city of love and there launching her new book, made her head swim. Her life was the fullest it had ever been, or was it.

Why was Can ever so present in thoughts, this was the time for her to stand alone, time for her to rise from the burning ashes. Had her memories of them changed. As the evening came to a close, and she returned to her hotel room, she got ready for bed. He hadn’t even texted her in a few days, maybe his flashbacks have stopped, you’re getting ahead of yourself. Those texts didn’t mean anything. Stay the course, even if all of this isn’t making you the happiest you’ve ever been. You have to do this for YOU…

She had planned to leave the next day, but decided to stay an extra day just to take in the city. They changed their plane tickets and extended the stay at the hotel. Suna had been gracious enough to agree to stay with her, for an interpreter and also a companion. She knew more about the city than Sanem did, since she use to live there.  The next morning, they started early, out to a cute little cafe on the sidewalk for breakfast.  It was all so very French, just as she imagined as a child. She would dream of places like this, romantic and charming. Back then, this is what she thought of for herself, but now , her heart was filled with the thoughts of a family, of a world tour on the boat or just simply laying in the arms of her one and only love, looking at the moon.

Can and the group had finished the last of the assignment and the plans for travel had been made. His last night, alone in his tent, his thoughts are of Sanem, not of the events of the last few weeks, they just didn’t seem as important. His memory was sketchy, but he knew the things he had remembered were true, he felt them in his heart. At one time, this life was all that mattered to him, but now the vague memory of a naive young woman, had entered his heart and soul. It had happened, had someone touched him, changing his whole outlook on life and what it meant to be happy and content. He had to be sure and not rush. Let his thoughts and memories catch up with his heart. 

Her day was happy, she lived her dreams, but now it was time for to go back to herself. Go home, reconnect with your inner voice. This life was grand and fabulous, but the girl from the mashalla district was homesick or maybe it was heartsick. Whichever it was, she knew it was at home……….

Chapter 17

Can still had another week before he could make his plans to go home. There was turning in the finished work to the publishers office, then there would be a dinner party and a showing. This was the protocol, he couldn’t say he particularly fond of that part of the business, but that’s just the way it was. The humanitarian group had really done a lot of good work in the villages they visited. And Can captured it all for the world to see.  He hoped Sanem would call or text him before she left again to go to Switzerland.  His memory was well improved, which left his heart begging to see her, but he knew she would need time. Remembering about his fathers sickness had been hard, possibly even harder than the first time.. IT would be so good to be  home and be able to talk to Emre and Leila about what had been going on with his memory. He had missed his brother, which had never been the case before, this was a whole new characteristic for him and he had to admit, he kinda liked it. Finding her bandana was definitely the turning point for him. The party was dull and boring, with his mind dwelling on the past, but it was raising awareness and that’s what they wanted. The thought of Sanem and his return home was all that had gotten him through this final segment of his journey.

After the day of touring the city of Paris, she was past exhausted, and ready to call it a day. She wanted to order room service, curl up in her PJ’s and read. She had morning flight, but it wasn’t to early. She would be back in her little apartment, in her nice little neighborhood by nightfall.  The food and the curling up part, she did, but reading, that didn’t happen. She was out by 7:30.   With her good nights sleep, she was up, packed and ready to go an hour early.  She so wanted to get home, she just felt out of sorts being away from home that long. Not wanting  to admit it, even to herself, it made her feel closer to Can when she was home..

Her flight was calm, she was able to read and take a nap. They landed and she took a taxi home. Maya had opened up her apartment for her, stocking her fridge with some staples and making sure she had her tea…What would She do without her friend. She texted her thanking her and telling her she would call her tomorrow.  She unpacked, thinking how she would be doing this again in a few days, was she ready for that..she was steadily beginning to realize, that she wasn’t the jet setting type. She called her sister informing her she was home, if even for a little while. Then her mom, promising her she would come to visit in a day or two.  The coziness of her home recharged her, lifted her spirits, it allowed her to be her. The woman doing all the interviews and posing for all the pictures, that wasn’t really her. An imposter had invaded her body, and faked their way through all of that.

The time home was so short. She was to fly out again in two days. She had visited her parents the day before, so this morning she was going to the agency. She knew that Can wasn’t there, so she could take the time to see her old friends. Leila and Emre wanted to know every detail of her trip, especially Leila, it had always been her dream to go to France. Emre told Sanem that Can had been getting some of his memory back and was desperate to see her. She told him she would be texting him when she left for Switzerland. They were excited to learn all about the trip to Geneva. She gave them a quick rundown of her itinerary, saying she would be there about two weeks. Emre was excited to know when she planned on getting together with Can to talk. Sanem was vague, she didn’t want to expect to much to soon. She said, ” We really don’t know what state he’s in right now, so we really shouldn’t push him.” Emre disagreed, ” He is so excited, I think he remembers a lot more than what he’s letting on.”  Sanem tried to defuse the subject, saying she would get in touch with him before she left, and they would go from there. She had a long visit with her friends and she went to eat with Leila, Emre and CeyCey, before saying her goodbyes.

Can maneuvered the around the room, Stopping on occasion to explain a certain photo or take a picture. This stuff could really get old, he thought. He could be anywhere else in the world and it would be better than here, but preferably Istanbul. He was getting nervous that she hadn’t text or called. ” She better not blow me off.”  He thought, ” Or I will have to take drastic measures.”  He wouldn’t be home for another 3 or 4 days. And from what he understood she would be leaving tomorrow. They had to make a plan to see each other. 

Sanem took her bags down to the taxi, locking the door to her apartment, she knew she couldn’t put off texting Can any longer……” Can I’m heading to the airport. Text me when you get home and maybe we can set a time to talk…..Send

The ping of his phone startled him, as he sat on the balcony of his hotel room. …It’s Sanem”……Finally,…Ok, she still wants to talk, that’s good….

He replies:   “I will definitely do that. I really need to talk to you..Have a safe trip, and good luck…

Sanem smiles at his reply, and sends  ” Thanks, and I’m going to need it…….Send

Sanem texts again…..”Oh Can, how’s your memory………Send

Can answers…..”We’ll talk about that when we meet, ok…….Send

Geneva, was again a beautiful city, the hotel was spectacular and the VIP treatment was unsurpassed.  All the events that where planned had been beautiful the response to her books had taken her by surprise. This would have been a perfect experience,…..if only…

Can rushed home from the airport, anxious to see Emre and Leila. They sat and listened to Can tell his incredible story about finding her bandana, and the effect that It had on him. All the memories started invading my mind, he explained.  ” It was almost like a sci-fi movie, it was mind blowing. The happiness flowed out of him, and the three laughed and rejoiced together. Emre quickly asked,  ” When do you plan to see Sanem?”  Why don’t you go to Switzerland.”  That would be great.”  Can said, ” I don’t know where she’s staying or anything”  Or believe me I would….Leila screamed,  ” Can we have all her information, ” You just book a flight and we’ll get everything down for you. ”   Can quickly booked a flight out for early the next morning, he would be there in time for the closing party…..

He was taking a big risk, but their love was worth it…….

Leila book him a room, while he unpacked and repacked, He grabbed his tux and a few casual clothes.  He took a nap, but was to excited to sleep, was up and to the airport by 7 am.  

He arrived at his hotel with 3 hours to spare before the party. He tried to relax, but was again, to excited. He showered, groomed his beard, it had grown a bit shaggy while he was gone, and headed to the gala room of her hotel. The hotel was only two blocks but he took a taxi.  When he arrived….people were still filing in, it looked like a huge event. His feelings for her beamed like a light, so bright he was sure he would blind everyone. He stood in the back my the door, waiting for her to take the stage. “THERE SHE WAS, ”   So poised and in command.  Beautiful…

She took the stage to say a few words,  she fumbled through the papers on the podium. She smiled, looking around, she said,  ” Well it seems I’ve misplaced my speech, ” Forgive me while I try to remember what I was going to say”  Everyone laughed and applauded.  She delivered a flawless and heartfelt speech and everyone was captivated by her…  She walked into the crowd to shake some hands and except their well wishes. 

As she mingled through the crowd a familiar feeling came over her,……She knew he was there, she felt him, his eyes, spreading a warmth over her. But how, she wondered, how did he find her, as the field of butterflies fluttered through her body. She  trembled as the unforgettable aroma of his scent wrap around her. She turned, slowly, almost afraid it was going to be a dream. But it wasn’t,  HE was there. His dark eyes glistened, so full of love, they blinded her, she waved her hand in front of her face, as if to swipe him away, but he was still there, smiling at her. He took her hand, and whispered,  ” Sanem, you were magnificent. ” She smiled.  She quickly introduced him to the group around her. Can proceeded to tell them, ” He had once witnessed a beautiful and talented young woman give an exceptional speech such as the one he had just heard. And, it also, was from the heart. She smiled knowing he was remembering the Compass Sports speech.  One of the gentlemen ask if he had know Ms. Aydin long.  

Can replied with love, as his eyes held her captive, “Forever” I have memories to last a lifetime

Her eyes rimmed with tears….he was back, the love of her life….

“Her Albatross”…. 

One thought on “Memories… Some Last A Lifetime”

  1. I have enjoyed all your stories from the very beginning of having access to them. I continue to enjoy all your writing. You are very gifted. Thank you for keeping Can and Sanem’s Love alive for us. I look forward to reading more.

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